Well, Coffee Date Number One happened on Sunday evening. This one only lasted three hours and the woman had very nice teeth so that was a plus. And she was a minute or two early (I was like 10 minutes early because that is how I am with everything, except work for some reason....anyway....), so she definitely got bonus points for that.
But, (you did you know there would be a but coming didn't you?) there just wasn't a spark for me. I wasn't left wanting more. It was just eh, like chatting with someone you'll never see again while you're waiting for a train or a plane or the dentist. And while I didn't want to run screaming from Starbucks I also was not left wondering what kind of impression I'd made on her and whether or not she'd want to see me again and what kind of china we'd pick out when we moved in together....
Don't get me wrong she was very nice and decent looking (although it seemed like she was born with unfortunately tight dirty blond curls that she doesn't really know what to do with, but it was hard to tell what with her hair being pulled back into a very tight pony tail). I'd venture to say she was attractive even, but I was not attracted to her. So even though the conversation was fun I have no desire to go for round two with her. Even with the possibility that we might talk more about how Satan controls the temperature in Hell. Yes, you read that right. That was one of the things we talked about on Sunday.
But how do I tell her that I pass on round two? Because, this is me we're talking about and this is hard for me. And also because she e-mailed me later Sunday night to say that she'd had a good time and wants to get to know me better. I know that honesty is the best policy and I know that I should just tell her "hey it was great talking with you, but for me at least friends is as far as it might ever get." It's not that hard to type those words out. I mean I just did it right? And it's not as though she'll be heartbroken and never get over me. We don't even know each other. Why do I find this so hard??? So, I am doing what I seem to do so well at times which is avoid responding for a while. I like to think I'm just taking my time to formulate an appropriate and well thought out response. But I can call a spade a spade when need be and in this case I am avoiding pure and simple.
It was hard for me to figure out what lyrics to post with this entry. How do you find a song that describes an "eh" coffee date? So instead of lyrics about that I'm going with lyrics that describe my day at work. Well sort of at least....
So I present to you Crazy by Gnarls Barkley.
Come on now who do you
who do you who do you who do you think you are
ha ha ha bless your soul
you really think you're in control
but I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
just like me
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
Anxiety or did I bite of more than I can chew or holy crap how did I get myself into this or BREATHE, just BREATHE!
I'll get to the lyrics for this post at some point. I promise. I'll work them in, I will. After all that is my theme right? But right now I have to remember to breathe. Deep, calming breaths so I don't freak out.
Because I'm trying the online dating thing again. It worked last time with FMHW so why not try again right? I mean the whole thing is kind of weird (paying money to find Ms. Right, or Ms. Right Now? kind of strange really) and I try to think of it as a social experiment and fodder for future writing endeavors, but at the same time deep down I still want to meet my soul mate. I think that's what most people want deep down really. And since I don't do the bar or club scene and most of my friends (love you guys!) are straight with straight friends of their own it's really really hard for me to meet potential love interests just casually.
Except I have this problem when it comes to online dating. See, when it comes to actually MEETING the people I start e-mailing with I freak out. Panic sets in and I don't know how to act or what to do. I am BAD at this part. I am BAD at social situations where I don't know anyone. I am uncomfortable and don't know what to say or how to act or any of that stuff so I basically sit there and quietly observe. Which is totally fine in a big group or even in a smaller group, but so not fine when there are just two of you. Because I will have to talk at some point and try not to sound stupid. Or stumble over my words. Or accidentally make a reference to something painful in their past that I have no way of knowing about but will feel stupid and guilty for referencing anyway.
For almost all of my adult life I have been in one relationship or another and haven't really ever just dated so this stuff is all new to me. My first coffee date ever (which was a year ago) lasted five long hours because I didn't know how to make it stop. Seriously, I could not end the damn thing. And she had orange teeth, more like burnt sienna teeth really, thanks for that color description Koshie. And her definition of smoking occasionally was a cigarette every few hours which does not match up with my definition of occasionally which matches the dictionary's definition of occasionally which is "done irregularly or infrequently" and NOT in fact "done first thing when you get up in the morning, and then again on your way to work and then a couple times while you're working and then of course in the car on the way home, and again a time or two before you go to bed." And I am NOT into smokers. And then burnt sienna teeth girl text messaged me less than an hour after we parted ways to tell me that she had a good time and "PS I find you aesthetically pleasing." Fantastic! My next coffee date about two months later (so, at the beginning of last March) ended up in a five month relationship (FMHW). And that brings us back to today. Quick recap in case you weren't following along. I have had TWO coffee dates in all of my 33 years. I have spent about 16 of my 33 years in relationships of one kind or another. You do the math.
And as of today I have not one, not two, not three, but FOUR freaking women who all decided in the last three days that NOW would be a great time for us to meet. I panic at the thought of doing this whole thing once, but FOUR times. OH MY FUCKING GOD! Please sedate me or give me a glass and a half of wine (which is enough to get me really really tipsy, yes I am a lightweight thank you very much) or something, anything to make me feel a little less freaked out.
I of course dealt with this in the appropriate grown up way. I put off e-mailing all of them until the weekend was over and it would be potentially be harder for us to get together quickly so I have a little time to deal with reconciling all this in my head. Because I do not just jump into things. I like to have a plan and I am a control enthusiast in a lot of ways. And in addition to the avoiding of the e-mailing I also made sure to make plans for two nights this week (maybe even three!) so I could be busy and make it harder to meet people. Normally I make plans for two nights a month at the most. Because avoiding meeting people is exactly how you make new friends and find your soulmate. I told you I am BAD at all this.
Oh and here I can work in lyrics! Today's song is The Diner by Ani DiFranco. The lyrics:
I'm calling from the diner
the diner on the corner
I ordered two coffees
one is for you
the cups are so close
the steam is rising
in one stream
how are you
So, why are these dates always for coffee? And why are they at Starbucks? Is it simply because Starbucks are so prevalent? Is it because people are supposedly in love with Starbucks? I don't really drink a lot of coffee (read like a cup or two a month, and then usually decaf) and I don't drink coffee at night or in the evening if I can help it because if I do I will be up ALL night. And if I'm going to be up all night I'd rather be doing something else if you know what I mean, not just feeling my heart race because I had coffee too late for my body. And honestly, I don't love Starbucks coffee. I don't like the way it tastes at all. Even loaded down with sugar and cream it's still kind of yucky in my opinion. So, why Starbucks and why coffee? Is that just a lesbian thing? Does the same thing happen in the straight online dating world?
And now I head up to bed where I have a feeling I'll have an anxiety dream tonight. Fun times. I have finally replied to everyone who wants to meet and we'll see what happens. One has already replied to my response and is all gung ho to meet this week! EEK! Perhaps I'll post about these meet ups (dates? meetings? get togethers?). And who knows maybe it'll be love at first sight and a year from now I'll be writing about how blissfully happy I am with some woman I met for the first time at a Starbucks. A girl can dream right?
Because I'm trying the online dating thing again. It worked last time with FMHW so why not try again right? I mean the whole thing is kind of weird (paying money to find Ms. Right, or Ms. Right Now? kind of strange really) and I try to think of it as a social experiment and fodder for future writing endeavors, but at the same time deep down I still want to meet my soul mate. I think that's what most people want deep down really. And since I don't do the bar or club scene and most of my friends (love you guys!) are straight with straight friends of their own it's really really hard for me to meet potential love interests just casually.
Except I have this problem when it comes to online dating. See, when it comes to actually MEETING the people I start e-mailing with I freak out. Panic sets in and I don't know how to act or what to do. I am BAD at this part. I am BAD at social situations where I don't know anyone. I am uncomfortable and don't know what to say or how to act or any of that stuff so I basically sit there and quietly observe. Which is totally fine in a big group or even in a smaller group, but so not fine when there are just two of you. Because I will have to talk at some point and try not to sound stupid. Or stumble over my words. Or accidentally make a reference to something painful in their past that I have no way of knowing about but will feel stupid and guilty for referencing anyway.
For almost all of my adult life I have been in one relationship or another and haven't really ever just dated so this stuff is all new to me. My first coffee date ever (which was a year ago) lasted five long hours because I didn't know how to make it stop. Seriously, I could not end the damn thing. And she had orange teeth, more like burnt sienna teeth really, thanks for that color description Koshie. And her definition of smoking occasionally was a cigarette every few hours which does not match up with my definition of occasionally which matches the dictionary's definition of occasionally which is "done irregularly or infrequently" and NOT in fact "done first thing when you get up in the morning, and then again on your way to work and then a couple times while you're working and then of course in the car on the way home, and again a time or two before you go to bed." And I am NOT into smokers. And then burnt sienna teeth girl text messaged me less than an hour after we parted ways to tell me that she had a good time and "PS I find you aesthetically pleasing." Fantastic! My next coffee date about two months later (so, at the beginning of last March) ended up in a five month relationship (FMHW). And that brings us back to today. Quick recap in case you weren't following along. I have had TWO coffee dates in all of my 33 years. I have spent about 16 of my 33 years in relationships of one kind or another. You do the math.
And as of today I have not one, not two, not three, but FOUR freaking women who all decided in the last three days that NOW would be a great time for us to meet. I panic at the thought of doing this whole thing once, but FOUR times. OH MY FUCKING GOD! Please sedate me or give me a glass and a half of wine (which is enough to get me really really tipsy, yes I am a lightweight thank you very much) or something, anything to make me feel a little less freaked out.
I of course dealt with this in the appropriate grown up way. I put off e-mailing all of them until the weekend was over and it would be potentially be harder for us to get together quickly so I have a little time to deal with reconciling all this in my head. Because I do not just jump into things. I like to have a plan and I am a control enthusiast in a lot of ways. And in addition to the avoiding of the e-mailing I also made sure to make plans for two nights this week (maybe even three!) so I could be busy and make it harder to meet people. Normally I make plans for two nights a month at the most. Because avoiding meeting people is exactly how you make new friends and find your soulmate. I told you I am BAD at all this.
Oh and here I can work in lyrics! Today's song is The Diner by Ani DiFranco. The lyrics:
I'm calling from the diner
the diner on the corner
I ordered two coffees
one is for you
the cups are so close
the steam is rising
in one stream
how are you
So, why are these dates always for coffee? And why are they at Starbucks? Is it simply because Starbucks are so prevalent? Is it because people are supposedly in love with Starbucks? I don't really drink a lot of coffee (read like a cup or two a month, and then usually decaf) and I don't drink coffee at night or in the evening if I can help it because if I do I will be up ALL night. And if I'm going to be up all night I'd rather be doing something else if you know what I mean, not just feeling my heart race because I had coffee too late for my body. And honestly, I don't love Starbucks coffee. I don't like the way it tastes at all. Even loaded down with sugar and cream it's still kind of yucky in my opinion. So, why Starbucks and why coffee? Is that just a lesbian thing? Does the same thing happen in the straight online dating world?
And now I head up to bed where I have a feeling I'll have an anxiety dream tonight. Fun times. I have finally replied to everyone who wants to meet and we'll see what happens. One has already replied to my response and is all gung ho to meet this week! EEK! Perhaps I'll post about these meet ups (dates? meetings? get togethers?). And who knows maybe it'll be love at first sight and a year from now I'll be writing about how blissfully happy I am with some woman I met for the first time at a Starbucks. A girl can dream right?
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Dining and sleeping and numbness
Todays' song is Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd. And the lyrics for today are:
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
When I first moved into my house it would be kind to say the place was a shit hole. It smelled. Reeked really. So badly in fact that I swear you could almost see the blue haze in the air from the stench. The smell was from the dog urine (at least I pray to god it was dog urine and not people urine) from the previous owners dog which thoroughly soaked the carpet in the master bedroom and the family room. And it probably soaked the carpet in the living room and dining room judging by the stains on the hardwood floor in those rooms, but that carpet was ripped out before I moved in (although the carpet could be seen in the photos of my house online when I was looking at listings).
The cabinets in my kitchen were sticky inside and out. The floors were filthy and there were mouse droppings every where (yes, even in the kitchen). My mother worked really hard to clean the kitchen out so that it was sanitary and usable and ready for the appliances that were going to be delivered in a couple days. My dad and I worked on pulling the carpets up and getting them out of the house and to the dump.
The first night in my new house, the one I moved into after the torturous 18 month breakup with Ms. Ex, I had to sleep in my dining room because of the urine soaked carpet in my master bedroom. In fact I didn't sleep in my master bedroom until five months after I moved into my house because of the damage to the floors. But that first night my parents were in my guest room on an air mattress and I was in my dining room on an air mattress. Not the most auspicious start to a new chapter in life that's for sure.
I was sort of numb for the first few weeks or maybe even months after I moved into my house. I don't think I'd say I was comfortably numb, but numb indeed. The end of my relationship with Ms. Ex still didn't feel quite real and I felt completely lost and while I don't think I wanted to get back together with her because even then I knew that the end of our relationship was for the best, I think I still wanted her to come crawling back begging for me to take her back, to forgive her, saying she'd seen the error of her ways.
I threw myself into making this house I'd bought first inhabitable and second my home. And for a while the numbness and the projects kept the deep depression at bay. But that only lasted so long. Actually I think it lasted just short of four months. I believe the depression really started the day that Ms. Ex told me she'd started seeing someone new. She chose to do this six days before Christmas after they'd already been seeing each other for over a month. Ms. Ex has great timing, no?
Somehow I managed to get through the holidays okay and even the first couple weeks of January. Then I did something stupid. I took a week of vacation and stayed home to work on house projects. Alone. By myself. Without people. This is NOT the best thing to do when your mental state is extremely fragile and you're feeling down and alone already. This is when the numbness completely wore off and I was finally able to get in touch with my inner pain. And there was a lot of pain. A LOT of pain.
But now it's nearly a year later. And I've had quite a long stretch of time off, not nine days straight like last January, but enough, and I haven't had all that much interaction with people one on one. And you know what? I'm fine. I've spent a lot of time over the last three days repainting my living room and dining room. Lots of uninterrupted time by myself and its all good. I'm perfectly okay. I don't have the urge to burst into tears every other second. I don't feel like I'm in this black hole with no way out. I don't feel the terrible pain of depression. The physical pain which makes you feel as though you're carrying 100 pound weights on your shoulders. Instead my only pain is from the soreness in my arms from all the painting and my neck which is all out of whack and desperately needs someone to rub it.
And my dining room, the room where I spent the first night in my house, doesn't even look like the same room now. I still have a ways to go (like painting all the trim, and ripping out and replacing the *horrible* fireplace mantel), but it's on the right track now, just like me. I love my formerly disgusting and smelly house. I love my home. And I love myself, something that I don't think I could have honestly said a year ago. It's amazing how much can change in a year. I wonder where I'll be this time next year?
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
When I first moved into my house it would be kind to say the place was a shit hole. It smelled. Reeked really. So badly in fact that I swear you could almost see the blue haze in the air from the stench. The smell was from the dog urine (at least I pray to god it was dog urine and not people urine) from the previous owners dog which thoroughly soaked the carpet in the master bedroom and the family room. And it probably soaked the carpet in the living room and dining room judging by the stains on the hardwood floor in those rooms, but that carpet was ripped out before I moved in (although the carpet could be seen in the photos of my house online when I was looking at listings).
The cabinets in my kitchen were sticky inside and out. The floors were filthy and there were mouse droppings every where (yes, even in the kitchen). My mother worked really hard to clean the kitchen out so that it was sanitary and usable and ready for the appliances that were going to be delivered in a couple days. My dad and I worked on pulling the carpets up and getting them out of the house and to the dump.
The first night in my new house, the one I moved into after the torturous 18 month breakup with Ms. Ex, I had to sleep in my dining room because of the urine soaked carpet in my master bedroom. In fact I didn't sleep in my master bedroom until five months after I moved into my house because of the damage to the floors. But that first night my parents were in my guest room on an air mattress and I was in my dining room on an air mattress. Not the most auspicious start to a new chapter in life that's for sure.
I was sort of numb for the first few weeks or maybe even months after I moved into my house. I don't think I'd say I was comfortably numb, but numb indeed. The end of my relationship with Ms. Ex still didn't feel quite real and I felt completely lost and while I don't think I wanted to get back together with her because even then I knew that the end of our relationship was for the best, I think I still wanted her to come crawling back begging for me to take her back, to forgive her, saying she'd seen the error of her ways.
I threw myself into making this house I'd bought first inhabitable and second my home. And for a while the numbness and the projects kept the deep depression at bay. But that only lasted so long. Actually I think it lasted just short of four months. I believe the depression really started the day that Ms. Ex told me she'd started seeing someone new. She chose to do this six days before Christmas after they'd already been seeing each other for over a month. Ms. Ex has great timing, no?
Somehow I managed to get through the holidays okay and even the first couple weeks of January. Then I did something stupid. I took a week of vacation and stayed home to work on house projects. Alone. By myself. Without people. This is NOT the best thing to do when your mental state is extremely fragile and you're feeling down and alone already. This is when the numbness completely wore off and I was finally able to get in touch with my inner pain. And there was a lot of pain. A LOT of pain.
But now it's nearly a year later. And I've had quite a long stretch of time off, not nine days straight like last January, but enough, and I haven't had all that much interaction with people one on one. And you know what? I'm fine. I've spent a lot of time over the last three days repainting my living room and dining room. Lots of uninterrupted time by myself and its all good. I'm perfectly okay. I don't have the urge to burst into tears every other second. I don't feel like I'm in this black hole with no way out. I don't feel the terrible pain of depression. The physical pain which makes you feel as though you're carrying 100 pound weights on your shoulders. Instead my only pain is from the soreness in my arms from all the painting and my neck which is all out of whack and desperately needs someone to rub it.
And my dining room, the room where I spent the first night in my house, doesn't even look like the same room now. I still have a ways to go (like painting all the trim, and ripping out and replacing the *horrible* fireplace mantel), but it's on the right track now, just like me. I love my formerly disgusting and smelly house. I love my home. And I love myself, something that I don't think I could have honestly said a year ago. It's amazing how much can change in a year. I wonder where I'll be this time next year?
Saturday, December 27, 2008
2008 Year in Review
Once again, thanks to Jacqueline for this idea (and for most of the categories), I humbly present to you my 2008 Year in Review awards "show."
Song of the Year:
• 1963 - Rachel Yamagata
• fuck was I – Jenny Owens Youngs
• The entire soundtrack from the musical Rent
And the winner is: This is a difficult category for the voters to decide this year. Music has played a huge role in Jess’s life over the course of the last 12 months, even inspiring her to start blogging when the song quoting just would not stop. The song “1963” sums up Jess’s spring and summer. The song “fuck was I” sums up a very specific episode during the month of September which still makes Jess cringe in humiliation when she thinks about it. The soundtrack from Rent has been played continually for the last four months and contains some excellent quotes and is therefore the winner in this category this year. Jess would like you to remind everyone to “forget regret or life is yours to miss.” She also states that she is “looking for baggage that goes with mine.” And she would also like to apologize for getting Rent songs stuck in so many people’s heads, thank you all for putting up with her.
Book of the Year:
• Drunk Divorced and Covered in Cat Hair – Laurie Perry
And the winner is: Drunk Divorced and Covered in Cat Hair, the only nominee in the category this year, is the winner. Jess says this book made her laugh out loud and helped her realize that no matter how horrible she might feel at any given moment in time, it always gets better, especially if you have a little wine and some feline companionship to help you through. Jess recommends this book to anyone who’s ever had their heart broken. She also says that this book was the impetus for her to begin her illustrious knitting career. Look for lopsided scarves in garter stitch at a homeless shelter near you!
Broadway Show of the Year:
• The Color Purple
• Mamma Mia!
• Rent
And the winner is: Mamma Mia! Jess imagines you’re all surprised by the winner in this category. It was a very close vote, but seeing her mother laugh so hard she cried tipped the scales in favor of Mamma Mia! The Color Purple was a very distant third and was only nominated because it was one of the three shows Jess saw on Broadway this year. Rent, though not the winner, will always hold a special place in Jess’s heart.
Movie of the Year:
• The film version of the musical Rent
• Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog
• Juno
And the winner is: Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog takes the award this year. Who doesn’t love Neil Patrick Harris? And Neil Patrick Harris singing? Even better! With lines such as “Oh, look at my wrist!” and “What a crazy, random, happenstance!” Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog made for stiff competition for the other nominees.
Work Accomplishment of the Year:
• Surviving the PeopleSoft upgrade
• The search to fill the 4th DM position
• Jess continuing to learn how to work with her new boss
And the winner is: While learning to work with a new boss is a repeat nominee (and winner in this category in 2007) it is not a two time winner. The search for the 4th DM position takes this category this year. The search to fill this position took nearly 8 months. Jess had her first choice stolen from her by her boss to fill another position in the department (Hi Courtney!). The next candidate accepted another position on campus. The third time was not the charm as that candidate dropped off the face of the planet. The fourth choice turned the position down because she felt it was not the best fit for her and her family at that time. Finally, after months and months of frustration the person Jess had been waiting for walked through her office door for an interview. This fifth and final candidate accepted the position and has been a most welcome addition to Jess’s staff.
Phrase of the Year:
• I find you aesthetically pleasing. – Heather
• I feel so lucky to be here. - Sara
• I’ll just wait for him to pull out - Francesca
• Hey Jessie, ever do something crazy? Want to rent a car and drive to Florida to swim with the manatees with me? – Scary Lori
And the winner is: Again this was a hard category for the voters to decide, but the award this year goes to Francesca for “I’ll just wait for him to pull out.” This phrase allowed the inner 15 year old boy in Jess’s head to come out of hiding and made the trip to Bar Harbor that much more fun. And as clarification, it was said in reference to waiting for the guy in front of us at a gas station to move his vehicle. The “aesthetically pleasing” phrase comes in a close second however due to the fact that it was received as a P.S. in a text message.
Meal of the Year:
• Lobster from Nunan’s Lobster Hut, Cape Porpoise, ME
• Chicken and veggies cooked over a camp fire, Hancock, NH
• Brazilian food at a restaurant who’s name I don’t think I ever knew, NYC, NY
And the winner is: While Nunan’s is a repeat nominee from last year, it does not win this category for the second year in a row. The Brazilian food was excellent (as were the drinks) and the company for that meal was also fantastic, but this year the award goes to the meal cooked over a campfire. The inventiveness and flavor of this meal coupled with the company of the folks Jess shared it with make it the most memorable of 2008.
Scariest Moment of the Year:
* Coming home from work and finding Maggie unable to walk
And the winner is: Jess says there can only be one nominee in this category this year and thus the winner is Maggie being unable to walk. The two weeks before her surgery had to be one of the absolute worst times of Jess’s life. Thankfully this story has a happy ending with Maggie being completely pain free and able to walk on her own. For a while Jess was not sure that would ever happen and she was envisioning how to make her split level house user friendly for a dog in a cart. Jess would like to thank everyone for their support and encouragement as she has gone through this ordeal with Maggie, it has meant more to her than she can ever find the words to express. She thanks each and every one of you from the bottom of her heart. Thank you.
Storyline of the Year:
• The Poison Ivy Saga of June – where was Jess getting it from and would it ever go away?
• Jumping back into the dating world – after almost 10 years would Jess even remember how to get to know someone new and how to go about this thing called dating? Would she find love in the process?
• The push to get published – would Jess be able to muster the courage to send her work to literary journals for consideration?
And the winner is: This was an interesting category for voters this year and unlike last year a hard category to find nominees for. The winner this year has to be jumping back into the dating world. The poison ivy saga lasted a long and very very itchy month and while Jess isn’t certain she found the source of the poison ivy she managed not to re-infect herself with it for a third time and will be far more careful about her gardening this coming spring. The push to get published started off strong after the initial terrifying act of clicking send on her first e-mailed submission, but the push petered out when her dog got sick. Jess hopes to get back to the submitting now that the holidays are behind her. Jumping back into the dating world was an incredibly scary prospect for Jess this past winter. After an eight year relationship starting over is hard to envision. She did have six great months with a woman whom she will never forget (and with whom she did fall in love) and Jess will always be thankful they met, but sadly that relationship came to an end and Jess is starting from square one yet again. This year’s winner may make a repeat appearance in this category next year. Stay tuned…..
Moment of the Year:
• Seeing the sunrise from the top of Cadillac Mountain
• Censored
And the winner is: Seeing the sunrise from the top of Cadillac Mountain is an experience that Jess will never forget. And she has 30 some odd pictures of it to help jog her memory in case it gets fuzzy in the future. However the censored nominee is the award winner in this category. Jess would like to tell you more about it, but suffice it to say it was memorable and worthy of an award this year.
Thank you all for following Jess's Year End awards, we hope you enjoyed this year's presentation. Nominations for the 2009 awards will begin at 12:00:00 on January 1, 2009. Jess says she’s looking forward to seeing what another exciting year has in store for her.
The song lyrics for this post come from one of the nominees in the Song of the Year category. From 1963 by Rachel Yamagata I present to you:
Oh, the days you come around
I feel so good for me
I can take most anything
Cause what you bring
I find it to be magical
I feel like I'm loving you in 1963
Flowers in my hair
Little bitty hearts upon my cheek
Baby, you'll be on my mind
Until I kiss you next time
Song of the Year:
• 1963 - Rachel Yamagata
• fuck was I – Jenny Owens Youngs
• The entire soundtrack from the musical Rent
And the winner is: This is a difficult category for the voters to decide this year. Music has played a huge role in Jess’s life over the course of the last 12 months, even inspiring her to start blogging when the song quoting just would not stop. The song “1963” sums up Jess’s spring and summer. The song “fuck was I” sums up a very specific episode during the month of September which still makes Jess cringe in humiliation when she thinks about it. The soundtrack from Rent has been played continually for the last four months and contains some excellent quotes and is therefore the winner in this category this year. Jess would like you to remind everyone to “forget regret or life is yours to miss.” She also states that she is “looking for baggage that goes with mine.” And she would also like to apologize for getting Rent songs stuck in so many people’s heads, thank you all for putting up with her.
Book of the Year:
• Drunk Divorced and Covered in Cat Hair – Laurie Perry
And the winner is: Drunk Divorced and Covered in Cat Hair, the only nominee in the category this year, is the winner. Jess says this book made her laugh out loud and helped her realize that no matter how horrible she might feel at any given moment in time, it always gets better, especially if you have a little wine and some feline companionship to help you through. Jess recommends this book to anyone who’s ever had their heart broken. She also says that this book was the impetus for her to begin her illustrious knitting career. Look for lopsided scarves in garter stitch at a homeless shelter near you!
Broadway Show of the Year:
• The Color Purple
• Mamma Mia!
• Rent
And the winner is: Mamma Mia! Jess imagines you’re all surprised by the winner in this category. It was a very close vote, but seeing her mother laugh so hard she cried tipped the scales in favor of Mamma Mia! The Color Purple was a very distant third and was only nominated because it was one of the three shows Jess saw on Broadway this year. Rent, though not the winner, will always hold a special place in Jess’s heart.
Movie of the Year:
• The film version of the musical Rent
• Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog
• Juno
And the winner is: Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog takes the award this year. Who doesn’t love Neil Patrick Harris? And Neil Patrick Harris singing? Even better! With lines such as “Oh, look at my wrist!” and “What a crazy, random, happenstance!” Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog made for stiff competition for the other nominees.
Work Accomplishment of the Year:
• Surviving the PeopleSoft upgrade
• The search to fill the 4th DM position
• Jess continuing to learn how to work with her new boss
And the winner is: While learning to work with a new boss is a repeat nominee (and winner in this category in 2007) it is not a two time winner. The search for the 4th DM position takes this category this year. The search to fill this position took nearly 8 months. Jess had her first choice stolen from her by her boss to fill another position in the department (Hi Courtney!). The next candidate accepted another position on campus. The third time was not the charm as that candidate dropped off the face of the planet. The fourth choice turned the position down because she felt it was not the best fit for her and her family at that time. Finally, after months and months of frustration the person Jess had been waiting for walked through her office door for an interview. This fifth and final candidate accepted the position and has been a most welcome addition to Jess’s staff.
Phrase of the Year:
• I find you aesthetically pleasing. – Heather
• I feel so lucky to be here. - Sara
• I’ll just wait for him to pull out - Francesca
• Hey Jessie, ever do something crazy? Want to rent a car and drive to Florida to swim with the manatees with me? – Scary Lori
And the winner is: Again this was a hard category for the voters to decide, but the award this year goes to Francesca for “I’ll just wait for him to pull out.” This phrase allowed the inner 15 year old boy in Jess’s head to come out of hiding and made the trip to Bar Harbor that much more fun. And as clarification, it was said in reference to waiting for the guy in front of us at a gas station to move his vehicle. The “aesthetically pleasing” phrase comes in a close second however due to the fact that it was received as a P.S. in a text message.
Meal of the Year:
• Lobster from Nunan’s Lobster Hut, Cape Porpoise, ME
• Chicken and veggies cooked over a camp fire, Hancock, NH
• Brazilian food at a restaurant who’s name I don’t think I ever knew, NYC, NY
And the winner is: While Nunan’s is a repeat nominee from last year, it does not win this category for the second year in a row. The Brazilian food was excellent (as were the drinks) and the company for that meal was also fantastic, but this year the award goes to the meal cooked over a campfire. The inventiveness and flavor of this meal coupled with the company of the folks Jess shared it with make it the most memorable of 2008.
Scariest Moment of the Year:
* Coming home from work and finding Maggie unable to walk
And the winner is: Jess says there can only be one nominee in this category this year and thus the winner is Maggie being unable to walk. The two weeks before her surgery had to be one of the absolute worst times of Jess’s life. Thankfully this story has a happy ending with Maggie being completely pain free and able to walk on her own. For a while Jess was not sure that would ever happen and she was envisioning how to make her split level house user friendly for a dog in a cart. Jess would like to thank everyone for their support and encouragement as she has gone through this ordeal with Maggie, it has meant more to her than she can ever find the words to express. She thanks each and every one of you from the bottom of her heart. Thank you.
Storyline of the Year:
• The Poison Ivy Saga of June – where was Jess getting it from and would it ever go away?
• Jumping back into the dating world – after almost 10 years would Jess even remember how to get to know someone new and how to go about this thing called dating? Would she find love in the process?
• The push to get published – would Jess be able to muster the courage to send her work to literary journals for consideration?
And the winner is: This was an interesting category for voters this year and unlike last year a hard category to find nominees for. The winner this year has to be jumping back into the dating world. The poison ivy saga lasted a long and very very itchy month and while Jess isn’t certain she found the source of the poison ivy she managed not to re-infect herself with it for a third time and will be far more careful about her gardening this coming spring. The push to get published started off strong after the initial terrifying act of clicking send on her first e-mailed submission, but the push petered out when her dog got sick. Jess hopes to get back to the submitting now that the holidays are behind her. Jumping back into the dating world was an incredibly scary prospect for Jess this past winter. After an eight year relationship starting over is hard to envision. She did have six great months with a woman whom she will never forget (and with whom she did fall in love) and Jess will always be thankful they met, but sadly that relationship came to an end and Jess is starting from square one yet again. This year’s winner may make a repeat appearance in this category next year. Stay tuned…..
Moment of the Year:
• Seeing the sunrise from the top of Cadillac Mountain
• Censored
And the winner is: Seeing the sunrise from the top of Cadillac Mountain is an experience that Jess will never forget. And she has 30 some odd pictures of it to help jog her memory in case it gets fuzzy in the future. However the censored nominee is the award winner in this category. Jess would like to tell you more about it, but suffice it to say it was memorable and worthy of an award this year.
Thank you all for following Jess's Year End awards, we hope you enjoyed this year's presentation. Nominations for the 2009 awards will begin at 12:00:00 on January 1, 2009. Jess says she’s looking forward to seeing what another exciting year has in store for her.
The song lyrics for this post come from one of the nominees in the Song of the Year category. From 1963 by Rachel Yamagata I present to you:
Oh, the days you come around
I feel so good for me
I can take most anything
Cause what you bring
I find it to be magical
I feel like I'm loving you in 1963
Flowers in my hair
Little bitty hearts upon my cheek
Baby, you'll be on my mind
Until I kiss you next time
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
On how to ruin a holiday for someone
Christmas is in two days. I haven't had much Christmas spirit this year. Maybe it's because I didn't get a tree again this year (I do have lights and decorations up). Maybe it's because I didn't really have any shopping to do this year (my parents asked me not to get them anything because of the cost of Maggie's back issues and I don't buy for any other family members and there is no special someone, so very limited shopping was done this year). Who knows why, but the spirit just isn't in me this season. So, since I don't really have Christmas spirit to ruin I figured it was a good time to blog about how this holiday was ruined for me a few years back.
Today's lyrics are from the Rent soundtrack, the song is You Okay Honey and these lyrics really just set the scene and are not from that song.
Christmas bells are ringing,
Christmas bells are ringing,
Christmas bells are ringing,
Somewhere else, not here.
Three years ago Ms. Ex and I had been together for seven years. I had moved to CT six years before to be with her. We'd bought a house together and lived there for over a year breaking our backs to fix it up and make it our own. We'd adopted two dogs. We were a nice little family. That Christmas Ms. Ex bought me a ring. Yup, that kind of ring. The one that implies "forever." The one that is usually followed by a wedding. The one that says "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." That is the kind of ring I got for Christmas in 2005.
Now, in the spirit of complete honesty and full disclosure, getting that ring scared the bejesus out of me. I'm not even sure scared is a strong enough descriptor for what I felt when I opened the box (incidentally, Ms. Ex was not even in the room when I opened the box, she couldn't bring herself to watch me do it, this should have been clue #1...). By this point in our relationship I was not happy and was depressed, or at least I know that now looking back on it all. But I had made a commitment and damn it all if I wasn't going to stay committed to that commitment. I am a loyal person and also incredibly stupidly stubborn about some things. Ms. Ex wasn't perfect, but then neither am I. So, I accepted the ring, said yes, and was actually pretty happy about it all. Somehow the ring signalled to me that she still loved me and that she wanted to be with me and that would make every thing okay. Of course you know the outcome of this story already since I refer to her as Ms. Ex and not my darling wife, or my sweetheart....
So, where were we? Oh right, ring accepted, happy me. Three weeks after Christmas Ms. Ex comes home from work and wants to talk. And she tells me "I don't want this anymore." And by "this" she means our life together. THREE FUCKING WEEKS after she gives me a ring and tells me that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me she comes home from work and tells me she's changed her mind. Seriously? She couldn't have figured that all out BEFORE she gave me the ring? I mean these thoughts (feelings) don't just happen over night. Merry fucking Christmas to you too.
When she told me that I did what any sane and rational woman would have done at that point. I ripped the ring off my finger and threw it at her while yelling something about how she could give it back if she ever made up her frigging mind or something equally as eloquent. It's all a bit of a blur thankfully.
So, Christmas of 2005 was the beginning of the end of my relationship with Ms. Ex. It took another 18 months or so for the last sentence to be written on that chapter of my life. It was a very long, very emotionally draining 18 + months for sure. I certainly don't look at Christmas the same since that time. I don't look at my birthday the same way either, but I'll save that for another post. And sure as shooting (where the heck did that saying come from?) I don't look at Ms. Ex the same either. I don't think she's a bad person, but I think the proposal and then taking it back does speak for the kind of person that she is. And that kind of person is all wrong for me.
Merry Christmas every one. And if Santa brings you a ring, I hope he also brings with the ring the desire of the person giving it to you to actually spend the rest of their lives with you and you know, not just the next few weeks until they change their mind and decide that they don't want "this" anymore. Hopefully this time next year I will have found my Christmas spirit again and have that special someone to buy gifts for. But not a ring, I wouldn't want to ruin the holiday for someone if I suddenly changed my mind....
Today's lyrics are from the Rent soundtrack, the song is You Okay Honey and these lyrics really just set the scene and are not from that song.
Christmas bells are ringing,
Christmas bells are ringing,
Christmas bells are ringing,
Somewhere else, not here.
Three years ago Ms. Ex and I had been together for seven years. I had moved to CT six years before to be with her. We'd bought a house together and lived there for over a year breaking our backs to fix it up and make it our own. We'd adopted two dogs. We were a nice little family. That Christmas Ms. Ex bought me a ring. Yup, that kind of ring. The one that implies "forever." The one that is usually followed by a wedding. The one that says "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." That is the kind of ring I got for Christmas in 2005.
Now, in the spirit of complete honesty and full disclosure, getting that ring scared the bejesus out of me. I'm not even sure scared is a strong enough descriptor for what I felt when I opened the box (incidentally, Ms. Ex was not even in the room when I opened the box, she couldn't bring herself to watch me do it, this should have been clue #1...). By this point in our relationship I was not happy and was depressed, or at least I know that now looking back on it all. But I had made a commitment and damn it all if I wasn't going to stay committed to that commitment. I am a loyal person and also incredibly stupidly stubborn about some things. Ms. Ex wasn't perfect, but then neither am I. So, I accepted the ring, said yes, and was actually pretty happy about it all. Somehow the ring signalled to me that she still loved me and that she wanted to be with me and that would make every thing okay. Of course you know the outcome of this story already since I refer to her as Ms. Ex and not my darling wife, or my sweetheart....
So, where were we? Oh right, ring accepted, happy me. Three weeks after Christmas Ms. Ex comes home from work and wants to talk. And she tells me "I don't want this anymore." And by "this" she means our life together. THREE FUCKING WEEKS after she gives me a ring and tells me that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me she comes home from work and tells me she's changed her mind. Seriously? She couldn't have figured that all out BEFORE she gave me the ring? I mean these thoughts (feelings) don't just happen over night. Merry fucking Christmas to you too.
When she told me that I did what any sane and rational woman would have done at that point. I ripped the ring off my finger and threw it at her while yelling something about how she could give it back if she ever made up her frigging mind or something equally as eloquent. It's all a bit of a blur thankfully.
So, Christmas of 2005 was the beginning of the end of my relationship with Ms. Ex. It took another 18 months or so for the last sentence to be written on that chapter of my life. It was a very long, very emotionally draining 18 + months for sure. I certainly don't look at Christmas the same since that time. I don't look at my birthday the same way either, but I'll save that for another post. And sure as shooting (where the heck did that saying come from?) I don't look at Ms. Ex the same either. I don't think she's a bad person, but I think the proposal and then taking it back does speak for the kind of person that she is. And that kind of person is all wrong for me.
Merry Christmas every one. And if Santa brings you a ring, I hope he also brings with the ring the desire of the person giving it to you to actually spend the rest of their lives with you and you know, not just the next few weeks until they change their mind and decide that they don't want "this" anymore. Hopefully this time next year I will have found my Christmas spirit again and have that special someone to buy gifts for. But not a ring, I wouldn't want to ruin the holiday for someone if I suddenly changed my mind....
Friday, December 12, 2008
Reason Number 852 why I'm glad I'm not still dating Ms. Ex
Starting right off with the song today. Rain by Breaking Benjamin
Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun
It rained yesterday and last night. And when I say rained I mean it poured buckets. And by it poured buckets I mean it was as though someone unzipped the clouds and an ocean fell out of them. I really didn't think anything of all the rain other than "if this were snow there would be feet of it" and "I'm really glad I have no where to go tonight" and "damn it, Maggie won't pee in this weather, I hope she can hold it all night." So, I went to bed as normal and slept through the night peacefully (with the aid of some Nyquil since I still have a cold).
I got up this morning and as expected my back and side yards were (still are) a cross between a swamp and a lake. This did not surprise or concern me. It's just what happens. Someday when I have a little extra money I'll address the drainage issue, until then, it's just swampy. I got ready for work and got Maggie ready to go to hydrotherapy and was about to put her in the car when I decided to take the blankets I'd thrown down the stairs and into my family room last night all the way down to the basement where my washer and dryer is. I have no idea why I decided right then that I needed to do that, but I did. When I flicked on the light in the basement I discovered water. See, my basement leaks. Not horribly, but enough that there will be water on the floor when it rains.
Every house in my town has at least one sump pump in the basement regardless of whether or not the basement leaks. We sit on a high water table. Again, it's just how it is here. My sump pump was not pumping this morning however and the sump well was full and there was water on the floor around the sump well a good three to four feet in every direction. Thankfully it was only enough to just cover the floor but still...this is the first time this has happened to me in this house.
So, I did what any rational person would do, I calmly stepped into the puddle, bent down and lifted the float on the sump pump to see if the pump itself was kaput or if the float had just gotten hung up on something. As soon as I lifted the float the pump kicked on and the water started being sucked out. It took a couple minutes but before long the sump well had been drained and everything was fine. Sure, water was still trickling in, but it wasn't a gushing torrent and I knew it would be fine. So, I dried off my hand, shut off the light, put Maggie in the car and off we went; me to work and her to hydrotherapy.
Now, if Ms. Ex and I were still living together the scene I discovered in the basement this morning would have been cause for utter panic and chaos. I would have had to call into work to say I would be late (even though she works less than 10 minutes from here and I work a half hour from here). Then I would have had to call the vet where Maggie goes to hydrotherapy and say we'd be late and then SIT IN THE FUCKING BASEMENT AND WATCH THE SUMP PUMP. For hours. To be sure it was working. This is of course AFTER we would use every towel in the house to create a barrier around the sump well to contain the water. You think I jest, but I am not joking. Some day I'll have to blog about the great basement watch of 2005. And then again the great basement watch of 2006.
And what pray tell do you think I could do if I sat there and the pump wasn't working? Suck the water out with a straw? Bail it with a bucket? No, all I could do is call some company that would already be flooded (ha!) with calls and get on a list for them to come look at the problem in the spring. Of 2010. There would have been arguing and tension and lots of grumbling under our breaths at each other. And it would have been a shitty day all around. And that is why this blog is titled "Reason Number 852 why I'm glad I'm not still dating Ms. Ex." Because this morning I spent five minutes dealing with the problem and didn't even think about it again until the very end of the day at work. When I got home tonight with Maggie the basement was fine just as I knew it would be. No stress or tension or arguing or time wasted sitting in the fucking basement watching the water come in and the sump pump run. I'd call that a pretty damned good day.
Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun
It rained yesterday and last night. And when I say rained I mean it poured buckets. And by it poured buckets I mean it was as though someone unzipped the clouds and an ocean fell out of them. I really didn't think anything of all the rain other than "if this were snow there would be feet of it" and "I'm really glad I have no where to go tonight" and "damn it, Maggie won't pee in this weather, I hope she can hold it all night." So, I went to bed as normal and slept through the night peacefully (with the aid of some Nyquil since I still have a cold).
I got up this morning and as expected my back and side yards were (still are) a cross between a swamp and a lake. This did not surprise or concern me. It's just what happens. Someday when I have a little extra money I'll address the drainage issue, until then, it's just swampy. I got ready for work and got Maggie ready to go to hydrotherapy and was about to put her in the car when I decided to take the blankets I'd thrown down the stairs and into my family room last night all the way down to the basement where my washer and dryer is. I have no idea why I decided right then that I needed to do that, but I did. When I flicked on the light in the basement I discovered water. See, my basement leaks. Not horribly, but enough that there will be water on the floor when it rains.
Every house in my town has at least one sump pump in the basement regardless of whether or not the basement leaks. We sit on a high water table. Again, it's just how it is here. My sump pump was not pumping this morning however and the sump well was full and there was water on the floor around the sump well a good three to four feet in every direction. Thankfully it was only enough to just cover the floor but still...this is the first time this has happened to me in this house.
So, I did what any rational person would do, I calmly stepped into the puddle, bent down and lifted the float on the sump pump to see if the pump itself was kaput or if the float had just gotten hung up on something. As soon as I lifted the float the pump kicked on and the water started being sucked out. It took a couple minutes but before long the sump well had been drained and everything was fine. Sure, water was still trickling in, but it wasn't a gushing torrent and I knew it would be fine. So, I dried off my hand, shut off the light, put Maggie in the car and off we went; me to work and her to hydrotherapy.
Now, if Ms. Ex and I were still living together the scene I discovered in the basement this morning would have been cause for utter panic and chaos. I would have had to call into work to say I would be late (even though she works less than 10 minutes from here and I work a half hour from here). Then I would have had to call the vet where Maggie goes to hydrotherapy and say we'd be late and then SIT IN THE FUCKING BASEMENT AND WATCH THE SUMP PUMP. For hours. To be sure it was working. This is of course AFTER we would use every towel in the house to create a barrier around the sump well to contain the water. You think I jest, but I am not joking. Some day I'll have to blog about the great basement watch of 2005. And then again the great basement watch of 2006.
And what pray tell do you think I could do if I sat there and the pump wasn't working? Suck the water out with a straw? Bail it with a bucket? No, all I could do is call some company that would already be flooded (ha!) with calls and get on a list for them to come look at the problem in the spring. Of 2010. There would have been arguing and tension and lots of grumbling under our breaths at each other. And it would have been a shitty day all around. And that is why this blog is titled "Reason Number 852 why I'm glad I'm not still dating Ms. Ex." Because this morning I spent five minutes dealing with the problem and didn't even think about it again until the very end of the day at work. When I got home tonight with Maggie the basement was fine just as I knew it would be. No stress or tension or arguing or time wasted sitting in the fucking basement watching the water come in and the sump pump run. I'd call that a pretty damned good day.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
I am sick
I meant to post over the weekend, but I have come down with the cold from hell and so that just didn't happen. In fact the only reason I am posting now is because I left work early today because I am still quite sick. I didn't want to go in to work at all today, but I called out sick yesterday (for the first time in I think two years) and was off on Monday to take Maggie for her re-check appointment at Tufts (they said she looks great!) so off to work I went this morning.
Most of my coworkers where wondering what I was even doing there today. I think I had at least 6 people tell me to go home as soon as I walked in the door. I stayed until just after noon. And if I'm so sick why did I bother to go in at all you ask? Why thank you for asking, let me tell you. There are a variety of reasons for this. In no particular order they are:
1. needed to get out of the house for a while
2. an incredibly strong compulsion to go to work every day
c. my boss came to work horrifically sick every day for two weeks so therefore I must come into work while sick too
4. in this economy I feel like every move at work is being intensely scrutinized
e. just because layoffs are supposedly not on the horizon for us does not mean that they won't happen in the future
6. this is the busiest time of year for me at work and a horrible time to be sick
I'm sure there are other reasons, but because I am still sick they aren't coming to me at the moment. And just a comment on number C above. If my boss had stayed home a day or two when she was sick then I bet I would not have gotten sick and had to be out of work. Nor would three of my employees have gotten sick and been out of work. I'm just saying.....
Oh, and today's song is Right Here Right Now by Jesus Jones. How does it relate you might ask? Well, here are the lyrics:
I was alive and I waited for this
Right here, right now,
There is no other place I want to be
And where I am right now is at home on my couch in warm fleece pants and a hoodie. I'm about to turn on a movie and have some hot chocolate. I can't think of any other place I'd rather be at the moment than where I am right now. I should have just stayed in bed this morning....
Most of my coworkers where wondering what I was even doing there today. I think I had at least 6 people tell me to go home as soon as I walked in the door. I stayed until just after noon. And if I'm so sick why did I bother to go in at all you ask? Why thank you for asking, let me tell you. There are a variety of reasons for this. In no particular order they are:
1. needed to get out of the house for a while
2. an incredibly strong compulsion to go to work every day
c. my boss came to work horrifically sick every day for two weeks so therefore I must come into work while sick too
4. in this economy I feel like every move at work is being intensely scrutinized
e. just because layoffs are supposedly not on the horizon for us does not mean that they won't happen in the future
6. this is the busiest time of year for me at work and a horrible time to be sick
I'm sure there are other reasons, but because I am still sick they aren't coming to me at the moment. And just a comment on number C above. If my boss had stayed home a day or two when she was sick then I bet I would not have gotten sick and had to be out of work. Nor would three of my employees have gotten sick and been out of work. I'm just saying.....
Oh, and today's song is Right Here Right Now by Jesus Jones. How does it relate you might ask? Well, here are the lyrics:
I was alive and I waited for this
Right here, right now,
There is no other place I want to be
And where I am right now is at home on my couch in warm fleece pants and a hoodie. I'm about to turn on a movie and have some hot chocolate. I can't think of any other place I'd rather be at the moment than where I am right now. I should have just stayed in bed this morning....
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