A girl has needs...

A girl has needs. That's all I'm saying. Can you guess what I've been thinking a lot about lately?

A blog in multiple parts

I'm not sure where to even begin this post. Let's start with the good. I bought curtains today. Curtains I've been in love with for months but which I thought were too expensive. I popped into Bed Bath & Beyond today and lo and behold they were on clearance. Guess who has new curtains? Also? When did I become a person who covets curtains?



So the date I was supposed to have Monday night didn't happen. Not only did it not happen I didn't hear from her until today. I think I'm done with her. There have been plenty of chances and for whatever reason we never seem to connect. Okay, no, not for whatever reason, her, she's the reason. And if we can't even meet for a first date then how the heck could you date or have a relationship with someone who keeps flaking? Yeah, done with her.

Yesterday I got an e-mail from the doctor who I had four dates with. The one whom I had written off. The one where I wasn't sure if there was a spark or chemistry or not. The one that I thought I'd never hear from her again since I hadn't heard from her in a month. Yeah. So now I don't know what to do about her. I don't know if I want to see her or if I don't want to see her. I just. Don't. Know.

And then today. Ah yes today. More on that after the lyrics.

I have been obsessed with the song Panic by David Ford this week. I have listened to it on repeat more times than I probably should confess to. I love it. And performed live it's even more powerful than it is on his studio recording. This guy is incredibly talented. Love. Him. Honestly, go see him live if you ever get the chance.

Exactly where should I begin,
Forgive me father I have sinned,
Been caught perpetuating wrongs,
I screamed an accusation,
And yet convinced that still I can
Somehow be better than I am,
If I could only bring myself,
To step in one direction.

But all the progress I've made,
Has left me bitter and afraid,
I bolt the doors and let the
Trappings of my life surround me,
And hope to God nobody calls,
But trust the scratching in the walls
To be my comfort and my shelter
From the world around me.


Okay, more about today. I suggest you tune out now if you'd rather not read me wallowing in self pity. Or whatever it is that I'm about to spew forth since self pity just doesn't seem like the right way to describe what is to follow.

I saw you in the grocery store today. One glance was all it took to suck the moisture from my mouth, to stop my heart while lodging it firmly in my throat before setting it pounding immediately out of my chest, to set my stomach on a roller coaster ride of flips and flops, to send my internal thermostat off the top of the charts. Tears sprung unbidden to my eyes and the memories of you came flooding back. The nights neither of us wanted to end lying in that bed in your kitchen with a fire crackling in the fireplace. The wish that we could stop time and languish in that moment forever. So many moments. Watching a thunderstorm blow through from your porch. Relaxing with a couple beers in my greenhouse just talking.

It's been long enough that I should be over you. I really should be over you. Over and done with you and moved on with my life. I know that. Honestly I do. And I don't pine, I don't wallow in the past. I'm doing my best to move forward with my life. But in that moment today in the produce aisle when my heart was stuck in my throat the only thing I could think was "I still love you."

I never told you I loved you when we were together for those five months. I knew if I did it would scare you off. Frankly, it scared me to be falling in love with you. It didn't matter though, you were scared off anyway. I still remember the moment when I realized how scared you were even if you never voiced your fears specifically. "I don't want you to fall in love with me" you said. By that time it was already too late. But I didn't tell you that. I simply replied that you couldn't control my heart and neither could I.

I compare all my dates to you. How do they measure up to you I ask myself. I look at them across the table and wonder if the chemistry can even come close to what you and I had. And sure, maybe it was just that, good chemistry. Lust not love. I don't know. We never really got a chance to find out. Perhaps the fire would have burned itself out in another month or two or three.

I've heard it said many times that you don't really get over the last love until you fall in love with the next person. And I've tried. God have I tried. There have been plenty of dates. Plenty of chances for me to make a connection with someone, the kind of connection you and I had. But it's just not happening.

And so this weekend, when I got the e-mail from the doctor after a month of silence I started thinking I should give her another shot. She's been the closest I've come to connecting since you. And then I get the e-mail from the other woman, the one who I can't seem to meet no matter how many times we try, and I wonder if maybe it's her that I'm supposed to wait for. And then I see you in the grocery store. Is this the sign I've been waiting for?

But it wasn't you today in the grocery store. It wasn't you. Just some woman who could have been your sister. Or your stunt double. Your doppelganger. And now I really don't know what direction the Universe wants me to travel in. Thank god I don't have to decide today.

Scent

On Friday night I went to a friend's house for an evening of food, drink and board games. Totally my kind of night.

As tends to happen while playing games the topics of conversation were varied and plentiful. Also totally my kind of night. You just never know what might come up.

One of the things we talked about was how big a role smell takes in attraction. As in if you don't like how the other person smells no matter how incredibly perfect they may appear to be for you chances are the attraction just won't be there. And by attraction I do mean physical attraction and compatibility long term.

And damn if that hasn't proved to be true for me. Historically speaking that is since I'm still very much single.

My first girlfriend wore Liz Claiborne perfume. The smell of that perfume can still make me stop in my tracks even now, over a decade later. I'll stop and look around to see if it's her I smell. It never is (thank god! That was a messed up relationship to say the least but my brain will never forget that smell and all the things associated with it).

The funny thing for me looking back is how many times I can remember Ms. Ex telling me she thought I smelled badly. You know, after coming inside from walking the dogs. Or having worked in the yard. Mostly when I'd get sweaty. I can still hear the tone of her voice and see the way her nose would turn up, her lips curl, as she said "god, you stink!" or "ugh, you smell like outside, nasty." If this was a one time thing, or even something that happened on occasion it probably wouldn't be written so indelibly into my memory. But it happened all the freaking time. A match made in heaven we were not.

Then there was FMHW. She smelled great. And she told me I smelled great no matter how sweaty I might have been. Apparently, based on the smell theory, we were very compatible (god knows the attraction was there; my god was the attraction there; on a related note? It's been a very long time. I'll leave it at that.). Too bad we weren't able to spend longer finding out just how compatible we might have been. There are still times when I think I should send her an e-mail and see what happens. But I never do.

And most recently I realized (after looking back on things of course, 20/20 hindsight and all that) that the woman I most recently went on some dates with (four! A new record!) wasn't attractive to me. No matter how great she was. And she is. Great that is. Her head is together. She has a great career path. She's pretty and funny and easy to talk to. She's smart and kind and responsible and lots of other wonderful adjectives. But there was no attraction for me. And now I wonder how much of that might have to do with smell. I'm sure smell isn't all of it, but maybe it is some of it.

Of course on my next date (potentially tomorrow, but no confirmation yet) on top of all the other things that run through my mind upon first meeting someone will be the "do I think she smells good?" question. And really, how do you subtly smell someone? Because asking would be a tad awkward. "Hey, so nice to meet you. Can I just smell you real quick before we sit down?" Yeah, I don't think so. But you can damn well bet I'm going to be taking deep deep breaths (subtly of course) to see if I can smell her across the table as we talk.

For this post the lyrics come from a song that will always remind me of Maine, Far Away by Ingrid Michaelson. I do love a good Ingrid song and this one really fits with the theme of the post. Without further ado:

I will live my life as a lobsterman's wife on an island in the blue bay.
He will take care of me, he will smell like the sea,
and close to my heart he'll always stay.

I will bear three girls all with strawberry curls, little Ella and
Nelly and Faye.
While I'm combing their hair, I will catch his warm stare
On our island in the blue bay.

Far away far away, I want to go far away.
To a new life on a new shore line.
Where the water is blue and the people are new.
To another island, in another life.

Upcoming events

Thursday night:



And:


Sunday night:



And:



It's going to be a great four days!

I am waaaay to tired to come up with a title

I'm obsessed with this song today:



I'm a big fan of the Beatles. I listened to this song on repeat on my way home from work after a very very long day. It really speaks to me as I'm entering into (yet another) introspective phase.

I'll update more on the dating scene when I have a bit more energy. Work has been ridiculously busy the last few weeks and I'm just plain beat. I left work on time yesterday to go to a concert and it felt like I was playing hooky or leaving early. That's not good.

The full moon hasn't been helping me sleep lately either. This week has found me waking up to some seriously odd dreams. Perhaps I'll detail them later. After a few good night's sleep.

As for lyrics, listen to the above song. Those are your lyrics.

Busy and yet not busy...

I've been busy the last few weeks. But not busy at the same time. This time two weeks ago I was preparing for three dates in a row which is a definite first for me for sure. They went as expected which I suppose is a good thing. Date number one was a first date was with a reporter and I felt like I was being interviewed the entire time. And she was late. With no excuse, she was simply late. We will not be going out again even though I think Ms. Reporter would like to. No chemistry for me at all. But at least she was better looking in person than her profile pictures.

Date number three was a first date was with an elementary school teacher. She was also late, but very apologetic and had a very good reason. She was picking up a new car and it took longer than expected. At least on this date I didn't feel as though I were being interviewed. I knew there wasn't a connection though and so did she. So, that was good. At least it wasn't awful since I drove an hour each way to have coffee with her.

Date number two was a second date, one of only three second dates since FMHW. This one went well. Really well. Except for the part where I had wine spilled down my back after someone at the table behind me bumped the waitress's arm. Thankfully it was white wine. No harm done other than a cold, wet back for a while and smelling like stale wine on the drive home. Could have been much much worse.

This second date went well enough for us to go on a third date. It's been two years since I've been on a third date. Nearly two years exactly (yes, apparently I am counting). And the third date went well. We closed the restaurant again and had plenty to talk about which is really important to me.

But then as we were walking in the parking lot came the question "I'd like to know where I stand." What does that mean on a third date? How do you answer that? How do you answer that when you're not sure where you stand or where you want her to stand in your head because you're soooooo guarded and you've suddenly realized right then and there in the parking lot that you've built ginormous brick walls over the course of the past 18 or so months that you didn't realize you were building?

Yeah, so that went well. I was honest and said that I'd like to see her again and see where things go. That I didn't know what the future held but I enjoyed spending time with her. That was the best I could do at the time. And I suppose it was a good enough answer. And at the very least it was completely honest.

What I didn't add, and maybe I should have, was "and you have beautiful eyes." Or something like that. You know, say something which would indicate my interest in her. I think my flirter is broken. Or that I've forgotten how. Good to know. Is there a place to have your flirter repaired? Do they make house calls?

What I also know is that while I may appear to be calm, confident and collected I'm really a shy and anxious mess inside a lot of the time. And this shyness sometimes gets in the way of my just going for something or maybe the better way to phrase it is that it prevents me from living in the moment as much as I should. I'm so freaking self aware, self conscious sometimes, that I can't let go of the doubts and just live in the moment and see where it takes me. The shyness also makes me come off as very reserved which, I suppose I am, but which might also make it hard for people to read me. And perhaps some of the reserve is intentional so I protect myself. Too deep for me to contemplate for tonight.

So, now I have an e-mail in my inbox that I need to respond to from this woman and I feel like I need to explain myself better but I also feel like I don't have the words tonight. I feel like I'm not exactly sure what I want and how can I explain myself if I don't know exactly what I want or what I want to say. Or do I know what I want? Better to sleep on it right? Or maybe not this time. Maybe I should just reply and trust the Universe. I just don't know. How do you explain to someone that you know you like them because of the way your teeth were vibrating? Because that sounds weird right? Even though it's true. What, your teeth don't vibrate when you like someone? No? Just me?

Also, I think having a date on a Monday night has screwed with my body clock. Because all day Tuesday it felt like Friday. And all day today it also felt like Friday. And tomorrow, sadly, is still not Friday.

I've also been staying up way too late watching the Olympics. I haven't turned off the lights and gone to sleep before 12:30 am since before they started, what, 10 days ago? The opening ceremonies were the same night as the night I had wine spilled down my back. Me thinks I'm a tad over tired which might be fucking with my ability to think clearly.

So, yeah. I'm sleepy. And I should be going to bed. No, I should already be in bed and asleep. Instead, here I am on my couch watching the Olympics and hoping I'll know what to write in an e-mail. I can't even think of any lyrics for this post. Go check out this video instead. Melissa Ferrick's fingers are soooooo fast here. How does she play this fast??

Dreaming in Five Acts

My dream last night took place in five different acts. All of which were random and odd (but amazingly enough not terrifying for a change). One thing to note which is relevant to the dream, I was supposed to have a date last night with a woman who I will call H. She has three daughters 10 and under and had to cancel because her sitter was sick.

Act 1. I am at my grandmother's house with my family. I don't have a clue why we are there but my cousins are there and my mom is there and I think maybe aunts and uncles too. There is an incredibly LONG dirt driveway and down the driveway are a couple picnic tables. And by down the driveway I mean like a quarter of a mile or more down the driveway. A couple of my cousins are sitting with my mother at one of the tables and I'm not sure what happens but I can tell that my cousin Wendy is really disappointed in me. I believe she's disappointed in me because I'm dating. This doesn't make sense in real life or in the dream.

Act 2. I am now in my own house, which is soooooo not my house and isn't any place I've ever been before and is rather cluttered. There's stuff everywhere. Not garbage either, just stuff. Someone is at the door so I answer it and there's H with one of her daughters (I'm guessing the oldest because of her height). Now, I've never actually MET H before in real life or in the dream but there she is with one of her kids. They come in and I tell H that I have to go check my OK Cupid e-mail. Um, you tell your DATE that? In front of her daughter? As you can imagine I got quite a look from H in the dream and I put my arm around the kid and made up some random thing about my e-mail and why I had to go check it. I don't know what I said though.

Act 3. Now for some reason someone else is in my house searching it. H is no where to be seen and neither is her daughter. I do not know exactly why my house is being searched but it has to do with dating. Someone is unhappy or worried about me dating so naturally searching my house is the way to address that. I'm following the searcher (who I think is a guy) around the house and we go in the bedroom (which is a total mess and looks nothing like my bedroom has ever looked and the bed is in the middle of the room, not against any wall). He's searching the room, which is also cluttered and has stuff EVERYWHERE and I notice hair sticking out from under the covers of my bed. It's H. Apparently she's hiding under the covers of my bed. No, I don't know why and no I have no idea where her kid has disappeared to. I also can't remember if the guy searching my house sees her.

Act 4. The searcher is gone and now H and I are going away for an over-night trip. On our first date. With my parents. I know, WTF?! right? So, we're in the car and suddenly we're driving into this sporting goods store. Because that happens all the time. We parked inside at the front and got out and started shopping. The clothing racks were literally just outside the car doors. My mother picked out some jacket/shirt thing for me that was perfect for something in my dream but now that I'm remembering it I'm all "WTF?! I'd NEVER wear that and what would you wear it FOR exactly?" I go over to the dressing rooms to try it on and the dressing room monitor guy yells at me. Tells me I have to go over to that big open space over there to get changed. In the middle of the store. With no privacy. I yell back at him and tell him I want to talk to his manager. I yell at the manager. Somehow I am not kicked out of the store but I also never try the ugly shirt/jacket thing on either (which was like a halter that was lined with black fleece but had a windproof baby blue shell, sooooo odd). I walk back over to the car (which is dark chocolaty brown in color and no model of car that I've ever seen before) and H is there with a half smoked, but unlit, cigarette in her right hand and an unlit full cigarette in her left hand.

Act 5. The cigarettes disappear and we're all back in the car again (mom, dad, me and H). Mom is driving and we're again driving in the store trying to find the exit (apparently it moved while we were shopping, hate it when that happens). Instead of turning right to go down the stairs and to the exit, mom turns left and we start driving up the stairs. It's a spiral stair case. And the stairs get really really steep and yet we keep driving up them, like we're in some huge bell tower or something. We're literally sitting in our seats at an 80 degree angle driving up these stairs. I kind of recall thinking that a) we were soooooo going in the wrong direction and b) what happens when we get to the top and can't turn around and c) what if we lost our forward momentum and started to slip backward. We eventually get to a place where the stairs stop (but they continue again after some sort of road block [stair block?]) so we stop and our car has turned into a wooden canoe. Because I often drive a canoe up steep flights of stairs. Happens ALL the time right? Well, when we get out of the canoe to stare stupidly at the end of the stairs no one holds on to the canoe (or set the parking brake? I suppose it's possible that in a dream, my dream especially, a wooden canoe could have a parking brake) and it, of course, starts rocketing back down the stairs we'd just driven the damn thing up. We all watch the canoe go and I can recall thinking that we were going to get in big trouble and also hoping no one got hurt. That's when I woke up.

My subconscious scares me.

I'm not sure how today's lyrics relate to my dream, but I've always loved them so I thought I'd share. They're from a song called I Am Done by Melissa Ferrick.

What I need is completeness
What I need is neatness
I need a messy kind of make it up
As you go along
I need a silence full of nothing
I need to love
Without trying
Without trying to be loving