So, that last blog post kind of threw me for a loop. It needed to be written and I'm still very glad I wrote it. But it left me unsettled and not feeling like myself for days after. When you dredge up things from your past which you've locked away and moved on from (in whatever manner and to whatever degree of success that was possible for you) it's sometimes hard to put them back in their nice locked cabinets in your brain until you've mulled them over for a while. Perhaps a long while. But, rest assured, they are locked up again. As they should be. The past is in the past and it shall stay that way.
My parents came to visit last weekend. That could be a whole other series of blog posts in and of itself, but it was good to see them. It's always good to see them. It was also tiring and I was already tired from all the over thinking I did after writing my last post so that made for a long weekend.
But, I ended the weekend by seeing Ingrid Michaelson in concert for a fifth time this year. It was the opening night of this tour so the set list was a little different than the previous four shows which was a nice change of pace. Although I did LOVE the other shows this year so I'd have been content with that set list too.
It's funny, I get this weird, inexplicable moment of sadness during a concert. Happens nearly every time I see live music, no matter the artist and no matter the venue. And it's not necessarily induced by a sad or maudlin song. It's just a wave of sadness sweeping over me for no identifiable reason. Very odd. This time it wasn't as severe as it has been at other shows which was great. But it was still there for that fleeting moment and as inexplicable as always.
Also great? Ingrid doing her a cappella cover of R.E.M.'s Nightswimming which is, by far, my favorite R.E.M. song. I have been waiting (hoping!) for her to do this in concert and was finally rewarded. It was amazing. Wait, see for yourself (the video is from her show a few days later, can't find a video from the show I was at):
Anyhow, during this song it started. Not the sad which I spoke of above, although there were tears in my eyes because I was so moved and so very happy to finally see this live. No, instead I could feel the music reaching out and wrapping itself around me, embracing me. It was like being completely enveloped in strong and loving arms. A feeling of love and protection and happiness, of everything being right in the world. I could feel the pressure of it surrounding me as I sat blissfully entranced.
It may sound crazy but it felt as though the Universe was hugging me, reassuring me I was right where I was supposed to be in my life. Wrapping it's warm arms around me and assuring me I was, indeed, on the right path. I think this is the sort of feeling that those who believe in God must feel when they say they've been touched by God. I can totally see how they'd think that even though I do not believe in God myself.
I needed that embrace from the Universe. Because sometimes (okay, maybe more than sometimes) I doubt myself. I doubt that I'm doing the right thing(s). And this not so subtle reassurance was very well timed indeed. It helped reinforce my belief that the Universe does indeed provide, we just have to continue to believe it will. And I do believe.
Words, though I adore them, can be so limiting sometimes. I cannot fully describe this feeling using only words. It's like the best hug of your life multiplied by joy and love and peace. Suffice it to say that I hope each and every one of you experiences this feeling at some point in your life. Because it is profound. Funny it should happen to me at a concert in a venue I'd never been to before instead of, oh, I don't know while sitting and contemplating life in Bar Harbor for instance. It's just another example of how amazing life can be. And how full of surprises.
And the night after the hug from the Universe? Well, that next night was awesome in it's own special way. I'm sitting here smiling just thinking about it. Nothing momentous happened that night. There were no earth shattering, mind blowing events. But it was great none the less. There was no place in the world I would rather have been than standing in Stalker's kitchen talking and watching her cook (and trying to stay out of her way).
So, thanks again for dinner Stalker, it was delicious and the company was fantastic as always. You are one of the most beautiful women I have ever met, both inside and out. Which is why (besides the fact that I have never in my life known what to do with my hands) I tend to keep them firmly jammed in my pockets or my arms crossed when we're together. I want to make sure you have the time and the space you need to figure your stuff out and I don't want to fuck it up no matter how smitten I might be (and yes, I am indeed quite smitten) (also? Smitten is an awesome word which totally stops looking like a real word the more times you read it) (also also? I am a bit over tired and rambly now) (but that doesn't change the sentiment, still smitten!). So, while you were there washing dishes or whatever I was leaning against the refrigerator smiling a goofy smile and restraining myself from hugging you from behind.
Also? I'm horrible at making the first move. Just sayin', you know, to get it on record (for the entire world to see. Go me!). (Huh, apparently I get honest and over share when I get tired. Good to know.) Besides, the ball is still in your court and it can stay there as long as you need. All I ask, all I ever ask really, is that you're honest and open with me and I, in return, will be the same with you.
The song for this post is hard for me to choose. I mean obviously I could go with Nightswimming. But there are a couple others which stand out as equally appropriate and I'm going with one of those instead. For quite some time leading up to my trip to Bar Harbor I was rather addicted to this song. It might have been played on repeat for my entire commute to and from work some days. And of course it was one of my selections for the Bar Harbor 2010 playlist. So, I give you, the beginning of Soldier by Ingrid Michaelson (of course).
I don't believe in anything but myself
I don't believe in anything but myself
But then you opened up a door, you opened up a door
Now I start to believe in something else
But how do I know if I'll make it through?
How do I know? Where's the proof in you?
And so it goes this soldier knows
The battle with the heart isn't easily won.
And so it goes this soldier knows
The battle with the heart isn't easily won.
But it can be won, but it can be won...
Friday, October 15, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
It gets better
I've been thinking about this post for days now. What follows later in the post may surprise those of you who actually know me. The point of this post though is, as the title says, that it gets better. Let me repeat that, it gets better. And again, it gets better.
The recent string of suicides by gay teens due to bullying is appalling to me. Tyler Clementi (18), Billy Lucas (15), Asher Brown (13), Justin Aaberg (15) and Seth Walsh (13) didn't have to die. They'd barely even begun to live. I can't believe that our society hasn't put an end to bullying and harassment yet. How can we call ourselves civilized when we still allow this to happen??? It saddens me that these young men thought their only option was to end their lives.
After watching the videos below I knew I needed to share my story too. This is the most difficult and one of the most honest things I've ever written.
When I was a teen I was just about as far from self aware as you could get. In high school I knew I was different, but I never really knew why. Looking back now, I can remember sitting on my bed when I was 16 or 17 and thinking "I don't want to be gay, I just want to be normal." At the time though, this thought seemed completely out of the blue and just plain crazy talk and so I pushed it away and carried on with high school life. I mean, it was preposterous to think that I could be gay! No way! It was a couple more years before I started opening the closet door to myself. And slowly at that.
My freshman year in college was eye opening in so many ways. I left my barely a dot on the map hometown to go to a tiny woman's college where my freshman class was five times the size of my high school class (there were 27, yes twenty-seven, of us in my high school class). I was finally exposed to, among other things, different cultures, different socioeconomic upbringings, different philosophies, different religions, and of course different sexualities.
My coming out story is far from sensational. I am one of the lucky ones and for this I am grateful every day. My family has always been incredibly supportive of me. As have my friends. I was never bullied in school for being different or for being gay (not to say I wasn't teased because I certainly was and I don't think anyone can escape some form of teasing in school, but teasing and bullying are very different in my mind). I've never been scandalously outed. I've lived a very dull gay life, and again, I am grateful for that. I know I am one of the lucky ones.
Those of you who know me in real life know that while I am snarky and cynical I am also a pretty positive person. I can find the bright side in almost anything. I'm a firm believer in every day being a fresh start. My glass is usually more than half full. What you don't know about me is that I didn't always think it would get better (but it does get better, I promise).
I started coming out to myself when I fell madly in love with an upperclasswoman who lived next door to me in the dorm the second semester of my freshman year (we'll call her T). At first I didn't understand my fascination with her. She transfixed me. I was enthralled by her. I'd never before in my short life been so deeply under someone's spell. One night we were in her dorm room and T pushed me up against the wall and kissed me. A very deep, very meaningful kiss. And that was when the light went off for me.
It would be untrue for me to say that moment was when I completely understood myself, because I didn't and I wouldn't for many years yet. But it was a very defining moment in my life, perhaps the defining moment. A point of no return if you will.
T and I embarked on what would turn into about two years of a ridiculously complicated, codependent (on my part) and somewhat emotionally abusive (on her part) relationship. I call it a relationship, who the hell knows what she might call it. I was probably more of a nuisance to her than anything else. She was, after all, straight. And she had a boyfriend. But she still slept with me.
During these two years of my life is when I first started to think about suicide. Yes, that's right I've thought, very seriously, about suicide. I've never attempted it, but I have, most definitely, thought about it many (many) times. Because I didn't think it would get better. Because I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Because I didn't feel like anyone could possibly understand me or what I was going through. Everything was so dark and heavy and my not existing anymore just seemed like the easiest way to deal with it all. You can't hurt if you don't exist right?
As I said earlier, I'm one of the lucky ones. I've been so incredibly lucky to have such wonderful support my entire life and yet I've still contemplated ending it on various occasions. What must people who haven't had this support feel like? How do the kids (and adults for that matter) who are harassed and bullied feel? I can't even imagine. It sends chills down my spine.
In some respects I think those of us who are positive in our outlooks are more at risk for suicide (personal opinion only here, not basing this on statistics or facts, just opinion). We're the ones you'd never suspect are weighing which option for offing ourselves is best as we give you our bright smiles (which don't always reach our eyes). Should I slit my wrists or should I try to drown myself or should I jump out a window, etc., etc., etc... Smile, smile, smile as brightly as possible!
We roll these thoughts over and over in our head until they seem so abstractly concrete they confuse even us as we seek clarity in our muddy muddled thoughts. College isn't the only time I've thought about saying the hell with it all and ending it. During the 18 months it took for Ms. Ex and I to end our relationship I'll admit the thought crossed my mind a time or two. And then the thought came creeping in again when I hit the absolute rock bottom lowest point in my life six months after we were finally through. Once you let the kernel of "it would just be easier for everyone if I wasn't around anymore" into your head it's really hard to let go of it.
You keep suicide in the back of your mind as an option in case it gets worse. And you never know what might make it actually BECOME worse. It's never the big stuff which makes it worse, it's the little stuff like the grocery store being out of your favorite potato chips or not being able to rent the movie you were looking forward to or someone not saying "bless you" when you sneeze at the office. You're trapped inside that incredibly dark tunnel without a light to guide you out. The walls press in on you and though your hands might be stretched out searching for something, anything, to grab hold of, you can't find it. You're there alone in the heavy darkness spinning in circles until it just becomes too much and you crumple to a heap on the ground. There isn't anyone there standing beside you lighting a match or a lighter or holding a candle or a flashlight or the iPhone flashlight app and taking your hand to lead you out.
That's what I think about when I hear about the Tyler Clementis and the Asher Browns and the Seth Walshes. I think about that feeling of hopelessness, helplessness and despair because I've been there. I've been crumpled in a heap on the floor of that dark tunnel unable to see anyway out.
The only difference between us is that I made a deal with myself that I have to sleep on it before I do anything. And if it's not a little bit better in the morning then I can think about it again. It's always been better in the morning. Maybe it's not much better in the morning, but it's always a little better and it's been enough. And it gets better every day. The point is it does get better. It always gets better.
I'm glad I'm still here to experience my life. I have known so much joy. I've gotten to experience so many wonderful things. And I know I have a lifetime's worth of amazing things still to come. I can't wait to live them all. Life IS good no matter how corny that might sound. And for those of you who know me and might be worried, don't. I love my life and I'm in no way, shape or form even standing in that dark tunnel. And if ever I am there again at any point in my life I know now that it gets better. And I know I can reach out and find a hand in the dark to help guide me out.
The tears are rolling down my cheeks as I write this. It's cathartic and yet dredges up all these dark and tangled emotions from my past. Things I've chosen not to think about for years and years have floated to the surface and they still hurt, they still take me back to those dark places in my life, to the inside of that dark tunnel where I felt helpless, hopeless and alone. But even though it still hurts, even though I know these things will be with me forever, I also know that it gets better. And I also know that I had to go through them to become the person I am today. They made me stronger and for that I am grateful.
If you'd sat me down when I was 15 and told me what my life would be like when I was 35 I would never have believed you. No way in hell could it be possible that I'd be a 35 year old lesbian with two cats and a dog living alone in a house I own in Connecticut (of all places!!!) who sits at a desk all day at work dealing with data. None of this was on my radar at all when I was 15 (except maybe the cats, maybe). And I love every last bit of my life now. It's rich and full and all mine to live.
If you're contemplating suicide or just feel isolated and alone there are resources available to you. All it takes is being a little brave and reaching out. There are people there who want nothing more than to help you. There are people there to take your hand in that dark tunnel and walk you toward the light. The Trevor Project is a place to start.
You have too much to look forward to in life to end it. Don't you want to find out what's next? Don't you want to go to college? Or fall madly in love? Or travel around the world? Or find a cure for cancer or AIDS or some other debilitating disease? Or maybe you want to write a novel or a hit song or learn to fly a plane or how to build an ark or whatever it is that you want to do?
There are so many people waiting to meet you, waiting to see your next painting, read your next poem, listen to you sing, watch you dance or score a goal or a touchdown or simply sit down with you and laugh over coffee or tea or hot chocolate. We're there cheering you on as you strive to reach the goals you set for yourself. We are out there. And we love you for who you are. There's only one you and that is an incredibly special thing. Be the best you that you can be because nobody else can be you. Hold you head high, be proud of who you are, be strong. And know you are not alone.
It gets better, trust me I've been there. I know. It gets better.
The recent string of suicides by gay teens due to bullying is appalling to me. Tyler Clementi (18), Billy Lucas (15), Asher Brown (13), Justin Aaberg (15) and Seth Walsh (13) didn't have to die. They'd barely even begun to live. I can't believe that our society hasn't put an end to bullying and harassment yet. How can we call ourselves civilized when we still allow this to happen??? It saddens me that these young men thought their only option was to end their lives.
After watching the videos below I knew I needed to share my story too. This is the most difficult and one of the most honest things I've ever written.
When I was a teen I was just about as far from self aware as you could get. In high school I knew I was different, but I never really knew why. Looking back now, I can remember sitting on my bed when I was 16 or 17 and thinking "I don't want to be gay, I just want to be normal." At the time though, this thought seemed completely out of the blue and just plain crazy talk and so I pushed it away and carried on with high school life. I mean, it was preposterous to think that I could be gay! No way! It was a couple more years before I started opening the closet door to myself. And slowly at that.
My freshman year in college was eye opening in so many ways. I left my barely a dot on the map hometown to go to a tiny woman's college where my freshman class was five times the size of my high school class (there were 27, yes twenty-seven, of us in my high school class). I was finally exposed to, among other things, different cultures, different socioeconomic upbringings, different philosophies, different religions, and of course different sexualities.
My coming out story is far from sensational. I am one of the lucky ones and for this I am grateful every day. My family has always been incredibly supportive of me. As have my friends. I was never bullied in school for being different or for being gay (not to say I wasn't teased because I certainly was and I don't think anyone can escape some form of teasing in school, but teasing and bullying are very different in my mind). I've never been scandalously outed. I've lived a very dull gay life, and again, I am grateful for that. I know I am one of the lucky ones.
Those of you who know me in real life know that while I am snarky and cynical I am also a pretty positive person. I can find the bright side in almost anything. I'm a firm believer in every day being a fresh start. My glass is usually more than half full. What you don't know about me is that I didn't always think it would get better (but it does get better, I promise).
I started coming out to myself when I fell madly in love with an upperclasswoman who lived next door to me in the dorm the second semester of my freshman year (we'll call her T). At first I didn't understand my fascination with her. She transfixed me. I was enthralled by her. I'd never before in my short life been so deeply under someone's spell. One night we were in her dorm room and T pushed me up against the wall and kissed me. A very deep, very meaningful kiss. And that was when the light went off for me.
It would be untrue for me to say that moment was when I completely understood myself, because I didn't and I wouldn't for many years yet. But it was a very defining moment in my life, perhaps the defining moment. A point of no return if you will.
T and I embarked on what would turn into about two years of a ridiculously complicated, codependent (on my part) and somewhat emotionally abusive (on her part) relationship. I call it a relationship, who the hell knows what she might call it. I was probably more of a nuisance to her than anything else. She was, after all, straight. And she had a boyfriend. But she still slept with me.
During these two years of my life is when I first started to think about suicide. Yes, that's right I've thought, very seriously, about suicide. I've never attempted it, but I have, most definitely, thought about it many (many) times. Because I didn't think it would get better. Because I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Because I didn't feel like anyone could possibly understand me or what I was going through. Everything was so dark and heavy and my not existing anymore just seemed like the easiest way to deal with it all. You can't hurt if you don't exist right?
As I said earlier, I'm one of the lucky ones. I've been so incredibly lucky to have such wonderful support my entire life and yet I've still contemplated ending it on various occasions. What must people who haven't had this support feel like? How do the kids (and adults for that matter) who are harassed and bullied feel? I can't even imagine. It sends chills down my spine.
In some respects I think those of us who are positive in our outlooks are more at risk for suicide (personal opinion only here, not basing this on statistics or facts, just opinion). We're the ones you'd never suspect are weighing which option for offing ourselves is best as we give you our bright smiles (which don't always reach our eyes). Should I slit my wrists or should I try to drown myself or should I jump out a window, etc., etc., etc... Smile, smile, smile as brightly as possible!
We roll these thoughts over and over in our head until they seem so abstractly concrete they confuse even us as we seek clarity in our muddy muddled thoughts. College isn't the only time I've thought about saying the hell with it all and ending it. During the 18 months it took for Ms. Ex and I to end our relationship I'll admit the thought crossed my mind a time or two. And then the thought came creeping in again when I hit the absolute rock bottom lowest point in my life six months after we were finally through. Once you let the kernel of "it would just be easier for everyone if I wasn't around anymore" into your head it's really hard to let go of it.
You keep suicide in the back of your mind as an option in case it gets worse. And you never know what might make it actually BECOME worse. It's never the big stuff which makes it worse, it's the little stuff like the grocery store being out of your favorite potato chips or not being able to rent the movie you were looking forward to or someone not saying "bless you" when you sneeze at the office. You're trapped inside that incredibly dark tunnel without a light to guide you out. The walls press in on you and though your hands might be stretched out searching for something, anything, to grab hold of, you can't find it. You're there alone in the heavy darkness spinning in circles until it just becomes too much and you crumple to a heap on the ground. There isn't anyone there standing beside you lighting a match or a lighter or holding a candle or a flashlight or the iPhone flashlight app and taking your hand to lead you out.
That's what I think about when I hear about the Tyler Clementis and the Asher Browns and the Seth Walshes. I think about that feeling of hopelessness, helplessness and despair because I've been there. I've been crumpled in a heap on the floor of that dark tunnel unable to see anyway out.
The only difference between us is that I made a deal with myself that I have to sleep on it before I do anything. And if it's not a little bit better in the morning then I can think about it again. It's always been better in the morning. Maybe it's not much better in the morning, but it's always a little better and it's been enough. And it gets better every day. The point is it does get better. It always gets better.
I'm glad I'm still here to experience my life. I have known so much joy. I've gotten to experience so many wonderful things. And I know I have a lifetime's worth of amazing things still to come. I can't wait to live them all. Life IS good no matter how corny that might sound. And for those of you who know me and might be worried, don't. I love my life and I'm in no way, shape or form even standing in that dark tunnel. And if ever I am there again at any point in my life I know now that it gets better. And I know I can reach out and find a hand in the dark to help guide me out.
The tears are rolling down my cheeks as I write this. It's cathartic and yet dredges up all these dark and tangled emotions from my past. Things I've chosen not to think about for years and years have floated to the surface and they still hurt, they still take me back to those dark places in my life, to the inside of that dark tunnel where I felt helpless, hopeless and alone. But even though it still hurts, even though I know these things will be with me forever, I also know that it gets better. And I also know that I had to go through them to become the person I am today. They made me stronger and for that I am grateful.
If you'd sat me down when I was 15 and told me what my life would be like when I was 35 I would never have believed you. No way in hell could it be possible that I'd be a 35 year old lesbian with two cats and a dog living alone in a house I own in Connecticut (of all places!!!) who sits at a desk all day at work dealing with data. None of this was on my radar at all when I was 15 (except maybe the cats, maybe). And I love every last bit of my life now. It's rich and full and all mine to live.
If you're contemplating suicide or just feel isolated and alone there are resources available to you. All it takes is being a little brave and reaching out. There are people there who want nothing more than to help you. There are people there to take your hand in that dark tunnel and walk you toward the light. The Trevor Project is a place to start.
You have too much to look forward to in life to end it. Don't you want to find out what's next? Don't you want to go to college? Or fall madly in love? Or travel around the world? Or find a cure for cancer or AIDS or some other debilitating disease? Or maybe you want to write a novel or a hit song or learn to fly a plane or how to build an ark or whatever it is that you want to do?
There are so many people waiting to meet you, waiting to see your next painting, read your next poem, listen to you sing, watch you dance or score a goal or a touchdown or simply sit down with you and laugh over coffee or tea or hot chocolate. We're there cheering you on as you strive to reach the goals you set for yourself. We are out there. And we love you for who you are. There's only one you and that is an incredibly special thing. Be the best you that you can be because nobody else can be you. Hold you head high, be proud of who you are, be strong. And know you are not alone.
It gets better, trust me I've been there. I know. It gets better.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Vacation in photos
I have at least three different posts I could write tonight. But it was a long day at work. And then traffic was ridiculous coming home. And I'm too tired to put in the thought and effort that the other posts deserve so what follows is my vacation in pictures.
I've been back from vacation for what feels like months now, but is really only about a week and a half. I spent a wonderful week on Mt. Desert Island in Maine with a couple friends. MDI is home to Acadia National Park and the little town of Bar Harbor. And it's one of my very favorite places. I feel at peace there; there's not much more to say about it than that.
These are only a few of the 700+ photos I took. Yes, I am that person. I totally own it.
YO HO! We started our trip by going to a lumberjack show. Timber Tina was a bit intimidating.
Playing on the rocks and looking back toward Sand Beach. I love this part of Acadia.
Time spent at Wonder Land is time well spent.
We were told of, and found, a very awesome cave. Mr. A shown for scale.
Inside the cave we saw sea anemones, crabs, snails and starfish. And I nearly slide down the rocks which would have caused me to get swept out with the tide. Or maybe just completely soaked.
This year we decided to see sunset on Cadillac Mountain instead of getting up for sunrise.
I put myself to the test this year.
I literally have nightmares about things like this.
But the view was totally worth the fear.
This is where we sat at night to watch the stars.
Until next time Bar Harbor, jazz hands!
I've been back from vacation for what feels like months now, but is really only about a week and a half. I spent a wonderful week on Mt. Desert Island in Maine with a couple friends. MDI is home to Acadia National Park and the little town of Bar Harbor. And it's one of my very favorite places. I feel at peace there; there's not much more to say about it than that.
These are only a few of the 700+ photos I took. Yes, I am that person. I totally own it.
YO HO! We started our trip by going to a lumberjack show. Timber Tina was a bit intimidating.
Playing on the rocks and looking back toward Sand Beach. I love this part of Acadia.
Time spent at Wonder Land is time well spent.
We were told of, and found, a very awesome cave. Mr. A shown for scale.
Inside the cave we saw sea anemones, crabs, snails and starfish. And I nearly slide down the rocks which would have caused me to get swept out with the tide. Or maybe just completely soaked.
This year we decided to see sunset on Cadillac Mountain instead of getting up for sunrise.
I put myself to the test this year.
I literally have nightmares about things like this.
But the view was totally worth the fear.
This is where we sat at night to watch the stars.
Until next time Bar Harbor, jazz hands!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Good things come to those who wait
I do believe the old adage is true. Good things do indeed come to those who wait. I've found that to be quite true in my own life and I've seen it happen with friends as well. What I don't believe is that waiting means sitting around for ages doing nothing.
Waiting really means doing things you want to do, things you enjoy doing and being with friends and family while knowing that the good thing you are waiting for will appear in it's own time. Waiting is making forward progress in other aspects of your life even though the one thing you're waiting for hasn't yet appeared. Waiting is living and being happy while knowing it'll all happen in it's own time.
I think the good thing I've been waiting for for so long has appeared. No, I don't think it, I know it. And I'm happy. Very happy. Which is awesome and kind of freaks me out too because I haven't felt this way in a long time. Mostly it's awesome though with just a small side of freak out.
What this happiness has taught me (or retaught me since I already knew all this, but you know, forgot it. Again.) is that my instincts are always correct. That my gut knows best. That I will know when I know. That you can't force something that isn't there and that you shouldn't force it because that which doesn't have to be forced is a thousand times more enjoyable. And is right instead of maybe just close enough to right not to be wrong.
And what I know also is that nothing has to be rushed. Back in the day when I was a young and foolish girl I had a lot to learn about life and about myself. I was constantly trying to fit square pegs into round holes because I thought, well who the hell knows exactly what I thought really. Pretty sure I didn't even know what I thought back then. But those square pegs never really fit into those round holes but I'd pretend they did anyway. All in the name of being "happy."
I'm done with that kind of forcing something to fit. I'm done trying to make things work that won't work. I'm done with wasting my time on something or someone I'm not sure about. So, if you see me often or interact with me in some other way often you can rest assured that I like you. If I didn't I would somehow disappear from your life. Why waste either of our time right?
Sometimes things just feel right. Like everything has finally clicked into place and it's cozy and comfortable and just right. That's an amazing feeling. The older I've gotten the more I believe that the line from Jerry McGuire "you complete me" is a huge crock of Hollywood bullshit which has probably scarred a generation of women. I don't need anyone to complete me, I'm complete on my own. What I do need is someone who complements me and who makes those things click into place for me. It's been feeling very right lately for me. I adore that feeling.
All this to say that I met someone I really like. We'll call her Stalker since everyone on this blog must have a nickname apparently. Hopefully Stalker won't mind her nickname since I find the stalking quite endearing really. I like a woman who does her homework and who keeps up with it. Stalker has read/reads my blog so everyone, *wave* and say hi to Stalker! Oh god, where was I? Right, Stalker makes those things click for me, a feeling I haven't had in years. Which is both incredible and terrifying at the same time. But one day at a time right? Focus on the good and not on the "holy shit!"
So, Stalker, I don't care if you're messy right now. I don't care that you have work issues to deal with or a schedule/job which forces you to stay close to home a lot. I don't care who does the driving to see whom or who buys dinner or whatever. I just want to spend time with you. And it doesn't have to be anything more than simply spending time together until you want it to be more than that or are ready for it to be more than that. If you do want it to be more than that. I shouldn't make assumptions should I? I'm not going anywhere either way. I'll follow your lead. Just know I'm content to be spending time with you whether it's only a couple hours or half a day (literally half the day, as in 12 hours, or more even) (why I felt the need to clarify that I have no idea) (just go with me on it okay?) (thanks). If you want more than that, well, I'm not going to turn you down. ;-)
Now, I'm not writing this to freak you out Stalker. I really don't think there's anything you should be freaked out by. If I'm wrong there and I have freaked you out please let me know. I'm writing this because I'm happy and I promised myself that I'd blog not only when I'm feeling morose but also, and most especially, when I'm happy. And I am. Happy that is. Apparently I'm also rambling now. Wonderful. Moving on. Still happy though!
The lyrics for this post are from a song which I love for the ridiculously happy feeling it exudes. I have a wee bit of trouble with one of the words in it though since it's also the name of my big orange cat, Sunshine. If you replace the happy image of that word with the image of my cat it TOTALLY changes the meaning of the song. Hi, tangent, so nice to see you again!
Anyway, I give you Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves. And, Stalker, don't take this to mean anything other than I'm happy okay? Don't read into it. ;-)
I used to think maybe you loved me now baby I'm sure
And I just can't wait 'til the day when you knock on my door
Now every time I go for the mailbox, gotta hold myself down
'Cause I just can't wait 'til you write me you're coming around
I'm walking on sunshine, wooah
I'm walking on sunshine, wooah
I'm walking on sunshine, wooah
And don't it feel good!
Hey, alright now
And don't it feel good!
Hey yeah
I used to think maybe you loved me, now I know that it's true
And I don't want to spend my whole life just waiting for you
Now I don't want you back for the weekend
Not back for a day, no no no
I said baby I just want you back and I want you to stay
Oh yeah now!
I'm walking on sunshine, wooah
I'm walking on sunshine, wooah
I'm walking on sunshine, wooah
and don't it feel good!
Hey, alright now
And don't it feel good!
Yeah, oh yeah
And don't it feel good!
Walking on sunshine
Walking on sunshine
I feel alive, I feel the love, I feel the love that's really real
I feel alive, I feel the love, I feel the love that's really real
I'm on sunshine baby oh
I'm on sunshine baby oh
I'm walking on sunshine wooah
I'm walking on sunshine wooah
I'm walking on sunshine wooah
And don't it feel good!
All right now
And don't it feel good
I'll say it again now
And don't it feel good!
And don't it feel good!
Waiting really means doing things you want to do, things you enjoy doing and being with friends and family while knowing that the good thing you are waiting for will appear in it's own time. Waiting is making forward progress in other aspects of your life even though the one thing you're waiting for hasn't yet appeared. Waiting is living and being happy while knowing it'll all happen in it's own time.
I think the good thing I've been waiting for for so long has appeared. No, I don't think it, I know it. And I'm happy. Very happy. Which is awesome and kind of freaks me out too because I haven't felt this way in a long time. Mostly it's awesome though with just a small side of freak out.
What this happiness has taught me (or retaught me since I already knew all this, but you know, forgot it. Again.) is that my instincts are always correct. That my gut knows best. That I will know when I know. That you can't force something that isn't there and that you shouldn't force it because that which doesn't have to be forced is a thousand times more enjoyable. And is right instead of maybe just close enough to right not to be wrong.
And what I know also is that nothing has to be rushed. Back in the day when I was a young and foolish girl I had a lot to learn about life and about myself. I was constantly trying to fit square pegs into round holes because I thought, well who the hell knows exactly what I thought really. Pretty sure I didn't even know what I thought back then. But those square pegs never really fit into those round holes but I'd pretend they did anyway. All in the name of being "happy."
I'm done with that kind of forcing something to fit. I'm done trying to make things work that won't work. I'm done with wasting my time on something or someone I'm not sure about. So, if you see me often or interact with me in some other way often you can rest assured that I like you. If I didn't I would somehow disappear from your life. Why waste either of our time right?
Sometimes things just feel right. Like everything has finally clicked into place and it's cozy and comfortable and just right. That's an amazing feeling. The older I've gotten the more I believe that the line from Jerry McGuire "you complete me" is a huge crock of Hollywood bullshit which has probably scarred a generation of women. I don't need anyone to complete me, I'm complete on my own. What I do need is someone who complements me and who makes those things click into place for me. It's been feeling very right lately for me. I adore that feeling.
All this to say that I met someone I really like. We'll call her Stalker since everyone on this blog must have a nickname apparently. Hopefully Stalker won't mind her nickname since I find the stalking quite endearing really. I like a woman who does her homework and who keeps up with it. Stalker has read/reads my blog so everyone, *wave* and say hi to Stalker! Oh god, where was I? Right, Stalker makes those things click for me, a feeling I haven't had in years. Which is both incredible and terrifying at the same time. But one day at a time right? Focus on the good and not on the "holy shit!"
So, Stalker, I don't care if you're messy right now. I don't care that you have work issues to deal with or a schedule/job which forces you to stay close to home a lot. I don't care who does the driving to see whom or who buys dinner or whatever. I just want to spend time with you. And it doesn't have to be anything more than simply spending time together until you want it to be more than that or are ready for it to be more than that. If you do want it to be more than that. I shouldn't make assumptions should I? I'm not going anywhere either way. I'll follow your lead. Just know I'm content to be spending time with you whether it's only a couple hours or half a day (literally half the day, as in 12 hours, or more even) (why I felt the need to clarify that I have no idea) (just go with me on it okay?) (thanks). If you want more than that, well, I'm not going to turn you down. ;-)
Now, I'm not writing this to freak you out Stalker. I really don't think there's anything you should be freaked out by. If I'm wrong there and I have freaked you out please let me know. I'm writing this because I'm happy and I promised myself that I'd blog not only when I'm feeling morose but also, and most especially, when I'm happy. And I am. Happy that is. Apparently I'm also rambling now. Wonderful. Moving on. Still happy though!
The lyrics for this post are from a song which I love for the ridiculously happy feeling it exudes. I have a wee bit of trouble with one of the words in it though since it's also the name of my big orange cat, Sunshine. If you replace the happy image of that word with the image of my cat it TOTALLY changes the meaning of the song. Hi, tangent, so nice to see you again!
Anyway, I give you Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves. And, Stalker, don't take this to mean anything other than I'm happy okay? Don't read into it. ;-)
I used to think maybe you loved me now baby I'm sure
And I just can't wait 'til the day when you knock on my door
Now every time I go for the mailbox, gotta hold myself down
'Cause I just can't wait 'til you write me you're coming around
I'm walking on sunshine, wooah
I'm walking on sunshine, wooah
I'm walking on sunshine, wooah
And don't it feel good!
Hey, alright now
And don't it feel good!
Hey yeah
I used to think maybe you loved me, now I know that it's true
And I don't want to spend my whole life just waiting for you
Now I don't want you back for the weekend
Not back for a day, no no no
I said baby I just want you back and I want you to stay
Oh yeah now!
I'm walking on sunshine, wooah
I'm walking on sunshine, wooah
I'm walking on sunshine, wooah
and don't it feel good!
Hey, alright now
And don't it feel good!
Yeah, oh yeah
And don't it feel good!
Walking on sunshine
Walking on sunshine
I feel alive, I feel the love, I feel the love that's really real
I feel alive, I feel the love, I feel the love that's really real
I'm on sunshine baby oh
I'm on sunshine baby oh
I'm walking on sunshine wooah
I'm walking on sunshine wooah
I'm walking on sunshine wooah
And don't it feel good!
All right now
And don't it feel good
I'll say it again now
And don't it feel good!
And don't it feel good!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Rainy Sunday
When I sat down to blog tonight I thought I was going to write a different post than the one that follows. I'll save that post for another time.
Today is a rainy Sunday. As in it's pretty much rained non-stop all day today. Which is wonderful because it hasn't rained to speak of in probably months. My lawn was very crunchy when I walked across it yesterday. Grass shouldn't crunch. I can almost hear my neighbor's garden sighing in ecstasy from all the rain.
I actually love a good rainy day. I feel like it forces me to slow down and I can actually not feel guilty for relaxing all day. Of course it being Sunday and all I had to run an errand and grocery shop, but that never takes long (as an aside, how the hell can I spend $75 on groceries and come home with hardly any food??) so I've had pretty much the entire day to just do nothing.
Back when Ms. Ex and I were together we'd spend days like this watching bad movies or bad TV or football in the fall. And days like today I miss having someone on the other side of the couch watching bad movies with me. I'm not missing Ms. Ex mind you, just missing having that someone special here with me relaxing the day away.
Someone who might decide to bake some cookies or make some brownies for us to enjoy as a mid afternoon snack. Someone who will enjoy a good cheesy chick flick with me while I knit and she, well, does whatever sort of thing she enjoys doing while watching a movie. Someone who wants to read in bed for a while after first waking up.
It's those little things that I want. And miss. I love living alone most of the time mind you. In fact I pretty much adore it. But there are times, there are days like today, when the quiet comfort of the company of someone you love and who loves you would just make the day a little better. A little more full.
And poor Maggie didn't get a walk today. In fact she asked to go out at one point and when I opened the door for her she went out onto the step, saw how hard it was raining and turned around and wanted to come right back inside. Good thing we took an extra long and tiring walk/hike yesterday or she'd be very restless today.
All in all it's good that today was a day for relaxation and doing nothing. I've got a busy week ahead of me at work and I'm anticipating being rather tired in the evenings. I'd love to be wrong about that, but I don't think I will be.
No song for this post. I just plain don't feel like figuring out something that fits. Because I'm relaxing, watching a movie and listening to it rain. Not a bad way to spend a Sunday evening if you ask me.
Today is a rainy Sunday. As in it's pretty much rained non-stop all day today. Which is wonderful because it hasn't rained to speak of in probably months. My lawn was very crunchy when I walked across it yesterday. Grass shouldn't crunch. I can almost hear my neighbor's garden sighing in ecstasy from all the rain.
I actually love a good rainy day. I feel like it forces me to slow down and I can actually not feel guilty for relaxing all day. Of course it being Sunday and all I had to run an errand and grocery shop, but that never takes long (as an aside, how the hell can I spend $75 on groceries and come home with hardly any food??) so I've had pretty much the entire day to just do nothing.
Back when Ms. Ex and I were together we'd spend days like this watching bad movies or bad TV or football in the fall. And days like today I miss having someone on the other side of the couch watching bad movies with me. I'm not missing Ms. Ex mind you, just missing having that someone special here with me relaxing the day away.
Someone who might decide to bake some cookies or make some brownies for us to enjoy as a mid afternoon snack. Someone who will enjoy a good cheesy chick flick with me while I knit and she, well, does whatever sort of thing she enjoys doing while watching a movie. Someone who wants to read in bed for a while after first waking up.
It's those little things that I want. And miss. I love living alone most of the time mind you. In fact I pretty much adore it. But there are times, there are days like today, when the quiet comfort of the company of someone you love and who loves you would just make the day a little better. A little more full.
And poor Maggie didn't get a walk today. In fact she asked to go out at one point and when I opened the door for her she went out onto the step, saw how hard it was raining and turned around and wanted to come right back inside. Good thing we took an extra long and tiring walk/hike yesterday or she'd be very restless today.
All in all it's good that today was a day for relaxation and doing nothing. I've got a busy week ahead of me at work and I'm anticipating being rather tired in the evenings. I'd love to be wrong about that, but I don't think I will be.
No song for this post. I just plain don't feel like figuring out something that fits. Because I'm relaxing, watching a movie and listening to it rain. Not a bad way to spend a Sunday evening if you ask me.
Monday, August 9, 2010
On the subject of nothing really...
I sat down to blog not knowing what I wanted to write about. I still don't really, but when in doubt make a list!
1. I cannot wait to go back to here:
Picture it at night with what seems like billions of stars twinkling in the sky and a cocktail in your hand and friends at your side. It's a slice of heaven.
2. I realize I often blog when I'm most introspective instead of when I'm just content or happy. Changing that today, not introspective at all. Happy and content and still blogging!
3. Yesterday I met a little girl named Isabella Abbie. She was probably about three years old. She totally denied knowing her mother or her little brother even though we saw the whole family walk into the park together. Her father explained that we were talking to her alter ego named Millie. Yeah. I would love to meet this girl again in a few years. And then like every five years to see how she progresses in life. I wonder how long Millie will stay around. Also? Her mom (the one who busted out little Isabella Abbie's full name to try to get her attention on more than one occasion)? Might have been mortified when Isabella Abbie announced to us that she had a poopie problem. You just never know what you're going to see in a park in Northampton, but I wouldn't change that for the world. It was an excellent and very fun way to spend an afternoon.
4. Refer to number one above. I don't want to wish the summer away at all. In fact I wish we had another month or two of it. It's already getting dark earlier than I'd like it to. But I am so ready to go on vacation. I cannot wait to hop in the car and head back up to Bar Harbor.
5. Why haven't I bothered finishing the hats I knit that are literally 9/10ths or more done and just sitting waiting for me to finish them?
6. Huh. I thought I had more to say when I started writing.
7. There are a lot things going on in my head right now but none of them need to be blogged about.
8. My friend Kim and I e-mail quite frequently. A while back when we were both a little down I suggested that at the end of every e-mail we list three things we're grateful for on that particular day. We've been really good about doing it so far. Some days it's harder to think of things than others, but you know what? When you think of those little things that you're grateful for (like a piece of chocolate or a good cup of coffee or even that the bill you got in the mail was for less than you expected) it really helps turn your perspective from negative to positive. There are sooooo many wonderful things in this world (life really is good when you boil it all down). We take a lot of the good things for granted at times. By acknowledging them it's easier to see all the good in the world. Focus on the positive and the positive finds you. I'm glad Kim and I started doing this. I hope we can keep it up. I know it's been really helpful for me.
9. Life is full of little surprises. I've been smiling a lot lately (smiling's my favorite! Gratuitous Elf reference, sorry.). And smiling just makes your whole being feel good, head to toe, mind, body and soul. Thank you for making me smile. And laugh. And for just being you. (Why hello vagueness, how nice to see you again.)
10. I have been extremely social lately. Sooooo unlike me (who is a classic introvert) and I think it's been exactly what I needed. So, a big thanks to everyone who has been social with me. You're all collectively awesome. And you matter to me. Thanks for being in my life.
11. And because I can, a gratuitous Maggie picture:
You may think this picture is all "the better to eat you with my dear" but it's really "I'm not a big fan of that thing you stick in front of your face which might or might not steal my soul so I'm going to try to make you calm down by licking my lips." At least she doesn't run and hide from the camera anymore. Only took four and a half years. I'd say that's progress.
So, I was hoping by the time I got to this point I'd have figured out the song for this post. Yeah, not so much with that. Firing up the iTunes now, putting it on shuffle and seeing what I get. I'd just like to point out that iTunes tells me it would take 49 days to listen to all my music. Interesting. Also? I have a HUGE urge to go iTunes shopping right now. Time for new music for sure. One can never own enough good music.
Right then. Lyrics. Shuffle wasn't my friend tonight. Unless you all want Suzanne Vega's Luka stuck in your head for the rest of the night. No? Then you're welcome. And since I can't come up with anything on my own, You get Get Out The Map by the Indigo Girls instead. Because shuffle made me do it. Or led me to it. Both sort of apply.
The saddest sight my eyes can see
Is that big ball of orange sinking slyly down the trees
Sitting in a broken circle while you rest upon my knee
This perfect moment will soon be leaving me
Suzanne calls from Boston the coffee's hot the corn is high
And that same sun that warms your heart will suck that good earth dry
With everything it's opposite enough to keep you crying
Or keep this old world spinning with a twinkle in its eye
Get out the map, get out the map and lay your finger anywhere down
We'll leave the figuring to those we pass on our way out of town
Don't drink the water there seems to be something ailing everyone
I'm gonna clear my head, I'm gonna drink that sun
I'm gonna love you good and strong while our love is good and young
Joni left for South Africa a few years ago
And then Beth took a job all the way over on the West Coast
And me I'm still trying to live half a life on the road
I'm heavier by the year and heavier by the load
Why do we hurtle ourselves through every inch of time and space
I must say around some corner I can sense a resting place
With every lesson learned a line upon your beautiful face
We'll amuse ourselves one day with these memories we'll trace
Get out the map, get out the map and lay your finger anywhere down
We'll leave the figuring to those we pass on our way out of town
Don't drink the water there seems to be something ailing everyone
I'm gonna clear my head, I'm gonna drink that sun
I'm gonna love you good and strong while our love is good and young
1. I cannot wait to go back to here:
Picture it at night with what seems like billions of stars twinkling in the sky and a cocktail in your hand and friends at your side. It's a slice of heaven.
2. I realize I often blog when I'm most introspective instead of when I'm just content or happy. Changing that today, not introspective at all. Happy and content and still blogging!
3. Yesterday I met a little girl named Isabella Abbie. She was probably about three years old. She totally denied knowing her mother or her little brother even though we saw the whole family walk into the park together. Her father explained that we were talking to her alter ego named Millie. Yeah. I would love to meet this girl again in a few years. And then like every five years to see how she progresses in life. I wonder how long Millie will stay around. Also? Her mom (the one who busted out little Isabella Abbie's full name to try to get her attention on more than one occasion)? Might have been mortified when Isabella Abbie announced to us that she had a poopie problem. You just never know what you're going to see in a park in Northampton, but I wouldn't change that for the world. It was an excellent and very fun way to spend an afternoon.
4. Refer to number one above. I don't want to wish the summer away at all. In fact I wish we had another month or two of it. It's already getting dark earlier than I'd like it to. But I am so ready to go on vacation. I cannot wait to hop in the car and head back up to Bar Harbor.
5. Why haven't I bothered finishing the hats I knit that are literally 9/10ths or more done and just sitting waiting for me to finish them?
6. Huh. I thought I had more to say when I started writing.
7. There are a lot things going on in my head right now but none of them need to be blogged about.
8. My friend Kim and I e-mail quite frequently. A while back when we were both a little down I suggested that at the end of every e-mail we list three things we're grateful for on that particular day. We've been really good about doing it so far. Some days it's harder to think of things than others, but you know what? When you think of those little things that you're grateful for (like a piece of chocolate or a good cup of coffee or even that the bill you got in the mail was for less than you expected) it really helps turn your perspective from negative to positive. There are sooooo many wonderful things in this world (life really is good when you boil it all down). We take a lot of the good things for granted at times. By acknowledging them it's easier to see all the good in the world. Focus on the positive and the positive finds you. I'm glad Kim and I started doing this. I hope we can keep it up. I know it's been really helpful for me.
9. Life is full of little surprises. I've been smiling a lot lately (smiling's my favorite! Gratuitous Elf reference, sorry.). And smiling just makes your whole being feel good, head to toe, mind, body and soul. Thank you for making me smile. And laugh. And for just being you. (Why hello vagueness, how nice to see you again.)
10. I have been extremely social lately. Sooooo unlike me (who is a classic introvert) and I think it's been exactly what I needed. So, a big thanks to everyone who has been social with me. You're all collectively awesome. And you matter to me. Thanks for being in my life.
11. And because I can, a gratuitous Maggie picture:
You may think this picture is all "the better to eat you with my dear" but it's really "I'm not a big fan of that thing you stick in front of your face which might or might not steal my soul so I'm going to try to make you calm down by licking my lips." At least she doesn't run and hide from the camera anymore. Only took four and a half years. I'd say that's progress.
So, I was hoping by the time I got to this point I'd have figured out the song for this post. Yeah, not so much with that. Firing up the iTunes now, putting it on shuffle and seeing what I get. I'd just like to point out that iTunes tells me it would take 49 days to listen to all my music. Interesting. Also? I have a HUGE urge to go iTunes shopping right now. Time for new music for sure. One can never own enough good music.
Right then. Lyrics. Shuffle wasn't my friend tonight. Unless you all want Suzanne Vega's Luka stuck in your head for the rest of the night. No? Then you're welcome. And since I can't come up with anything on my own, You get Get Out The Map by the Indigo Girls instead. Because shuffle made me do it. Or led me to it. Both sort of apply.
The saddest sight my eyes can see
Is that big ball of orange sinking slyly down the trees
Sitting in a broken circle while you rest upon my knee
This perfect moment will soon be leaving me
Suzanne calls from Boston the coffee's hot the corn is high
And that same sun that warms your heart will suck that good earth dry
With everything it's opposite enough to keep you crying
Or keep this old world spinning with a twinkle in its eye
Get out the map, get out the map and lay your finger anywhere down
We'll leave the figuring to those we pass on our way out of town
Don't drink the water there seems to be something ailing everyone
I'm gonna clear my head, I'm gonna drink that sun
I'm gonna love you good and strong while our love is good and young
Joni left for South Africa a few years ago
And then Beth took a job all the way over on the West Coast
And me I'm still trying to live half a life on the road
I'm heavier by the year and heavier by the load
Why do we hurtle ourselves through every inch of time and space
I must say around some corner I can sense a resting place
With every lesson learned a line upon your beautiful face
We'll amuse ourselves one day with these memories we'll trace
Get out the map, get out the map and lay your finger anywhere down
We'll leave the figuring to those we pass on our way out of town
Don't drink the water there seems to be something ailing everyone
I'm gonna clear my head, I'm gonna drink that sun
I'm gonna love you good and strong while our love is good and young
Monday, August 2, 2010
Lilith Fair
I'm going to cheat for this post and copy an e-mail I sent to someone about my experience at Lilith yesterday. It's everything I want to talk about and it's already written. Be forewarned, it's kind of long. I will at least change names to protect the innocent. ;-) Without further ado:
Hi,
I realized last night as I was driving home from the show that I have plans tonight after work so I figured I'd e-mail you my Lilith adventures rather than try to squeeze in a rushed phone call while driving. The length of this e-mail shows why I couldn't possibly text it all.
So, Francesca and I arrive a little after 4:30 (show started at 3 or 3:30 I think, but she had a family obligation and neither of us were real keen on the first couple performers). We were walking around and were already chatting about how we're probably being viewed as a couple even though we aren't a couple. There was joking about how she needs a sign that says she's straight, but, you know, open minded and also single and I needed one that says I'm gay and single. Or signs that say "we're together, but not, you know, together."
We wandered around trying to figure out who was playing on what stage and when and where exactly the second stage was set up. We'd figured that part out and headed over to catch the very last song Beth Orton was playing. As we're standing there I look over and I see someone I recognize which usually doesn't happen. She sees me at the same time and came over to chat. It was Ms. Ex's friend Jen from college who lives in upstate NY. Needless to say I was confused at why she was there and I hadn't seen her in at least three and a half years (but I kid you not when I say she looks EXACTLY the same).
After introducing her to Francesca I asked her if she was there alone and she said no and waved over the women she was with. And wouldn't you know it one of the women she was with is a woman I'd been out on two dates with last fall named Judy. Jen proceeds to introduce me to Judy and we do the smile and nod awkwardly at each other thing. I have NO idea what the names of the other two women are because all I'm thinking about now is how to get out of the awkward Judy situation and am starting to wonder if perhaps Ms. Ex is there and Jen was just being polite and didn't mention it to me knowing we broke up.
Since Beth Orton's set was now over Francesca and I were like "well, we want to walk around and look at vendors since we just got here, bye!" and we walked away. Now, on my first date with Judy I ran into Francesca while waiting for Judy to arrive. She sat down to chat with me while I waited and so was there when Judy got there. So, Judy and Francesca met then. Then, after I sent Judy the "it was fun, but I think we'd be better friends than girlfriends" e-mail after our second date (to which I got no response) Francesca and I ran into her again at a Roller Derby bout. It was awkward, very awkward. Pretty sure Judy thinks Francesca and I are dating since this is now three times I've seen her and have been with Francesca. I can only imagine what the conversation was like with Judy and Jen after Francesca and I walked away. AND I have NO idea how Jen and Judy even know each other because Judy is firmly in the CT lesbian scene and Jen is from NY even though she used to spend a lot of time down in New Haven. I'm still confused by all that.
Anyway, I am now totally on the lookout for anyone else I might know (meaning mostly Ms. Ex). We find the little stage where Nneka is doing a couple songs and we listen to her perform then walk around for a little while (and get a drink so I can shake off the awkwardness of running into Judy. Again.) as we wait for Missy Higgins to come on. At some point we walk by one of my co-workers (and who I assume is her girlfriend from what I've heard through the grapevine) but she doesn't see me in the crowd.
We watch Missy Higgins as I'm studiously avoiding running into Jen again so as not to awkwardly run into Judy. We head up to the main stage to see Ingrid Michaelson. Ingrid is amazing of course (as are Bess Rogers and Allie Moss, part of her band). I wanted her set to go on and on. I saw my co-worker and her girlfriend come in and take seats while Francesca and I are standing as close as us folks with lawn seats can get. After Ingrid was Sara Barellis who was also fantastic. After Sara we went to find a bathroom at which point I saw someone else I knew from work and stopped to chat for a minute.
When we came back from the bathroom we noticed that the venue staff who were guarding the gates so us measly lawn ticket holders couldn't get into the empty seats were gone and that people were starting to come down from the lawn and take seats. We of course did the same thing and managed to get decent seats in the front row of the center of the back section. From there we watched Cat Power who was totally wasted on the crowd. It was too bad because she was really good.
By this time I'm feeling pretty good about my chances of running into anyone else. I mean, we've been there for hours and have been walking around and I feel pretty confident if I was going to run into anyone else it would have happened already. And also I'm not horribly sunburned like I was at Lilith in 1997 and this is an amazing thing (oh the tan lines from that day!). During a break my co-worker who was seated in front of us was looking around and I got her attention and waved, but we didn't chat.
About halfway through the Indigo Girls set I get a text message. From Ms. Ex. It basically said "So I heard you're here. What's going on with Dish Network?" I told you about my two hours on hold with them on Friday right? I replied "Yes, I am here" and from there ensued the where are you sitting, do you want to see me texts. Apparently she had also run into her friend Jen who told her that I was there.
For reasons I could not understand at the time the directions to where I was sitting confused the hell out of Ms. Ex. I had my eye out for her figuring she'd make her way down since people were pretty much walking around freely regardless of what kind of ticket they had. Francesa was feeling weird about meeting my ex and was on the lookout for her even though she doesn't know what she looks like. We had the "I wonder if Jen and Judy told her we were a couple" conversation.
Meanwhile I'm still texting with Ms. Ex to explain where we were sitting. She finally "got it" and told me she was on the sidewalk. There are a ton of sidewalks so I told her I'd find her after the set. She told me she was wearing, and I do indeed quote verbatim here, a "strip shirt." As though 1) I wouldn't remember what she looks like and 2) it would help me find her because clearly I don't remember what a women I lived with for 9 years looks like and 3) really? a strip shirt?? She meant striped of course, but still.
I got up (leaving Francesca safely in her seat) and found Ms. Ex after the set. There's an awkward hug which she wants to last longer and I don't and I can smell the cheap beer oozing out of her. I should point out here that I am stone cold sober and have been allllll day even after the one drink I had eariler. The drunkness explains why she couldn't understand my directions to where we were sitting. We then proceed to "catch up" for a few minutes.
She hasn't changed a bit (other than the weight gain) and it's wonderful to have that reinforced. I never liked the way she got when she drank. Smarmy is the only word I can think of to describe it. I can tell she wants me to tell her everything about me and my life and I won't/don't. She gets a few details about my cats and dog and she tells me how my former dog is doing. We chat about my Dish Network issues and family and that's about it. I say I have to get back and she says "they" are about to leave and she doesn't want to miss her ride (god I really hope she wasn't driving after all the drinking). She tells me I look good, I say thanks and walk back to Francesca.
Luckily that ended my run ins for the night. We watched Sarah McLachlan's set in peace and really enjoyed the final encore where Sarah brings the other artists on stage to sing with her. They did a cover of "Because the Night" which was amazing and worth staying for. Traffic was a breeze so we were able to get out of there pretty quickly. And that, apparently, is what it's like to go to the Lilith Fair with me. It honestly never occured to me that I would see so many people I knew there (and I'm sure there were more that I missed).
Also, see why I couldn't text all that? Hope you had a good (and less eventful) Sunday and that your Monday is off to a good start. And thanks again for the anti-rain dance. It was a gorgeous day.
Jess
Here's a recap video of Lilith. My favorite part is the end where Sarah McLachlan needs the lyrics to sing with the Indigo Girls.
Also watch this video. Not as awesome as last night's version, but still pretty good.
I guess since this is a Lilith Fair post it's only right to post Sarah McLachlan lyrics. From I Will Remember You (or the "puppies are DYING because you aren't adopting them you bad BAD person" commercial song as it's now known):
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one
Hi,
I realized last night as I was driving home from the show that I have plans tonight after work so I figured I'd e-mail you my Lilith adventures rather than try to squeeze in a rushed phone call while driving. The length of this e-mail shows why I couldn't possibly text it all.
So, Francesca and I arrive a little after 4:30 (show started at 3 or 3:30 I think, but she had a family obligation and neither of us were real keen on the first couple performers). We were walking around and were already chatting about how we're probably being viewed as a couple even though we aren't a couple. There was joking about how she needs a sign that says she's straight, but, you know, open minded and also single and I needed one that says I'm gay and single. Or signs that say "we're together, but not, you know, together."
We wandered around trying to figure out who was playing on what stage and when and where exactly the second stage was set up. We'd figured that part out and headed over to catch the very last song Beth Orton was playing. As we're standing there I look over and I see someone I recognize which usually doesn't happen. She sees me at the same time and came over to chat. It was Ms. Ex's friend Jen from college who lives in upstate NY. Needless to say I was confused at why she was there and I hadn't seen her in at least three and a half years (but I kid you not when I say she looks EXACTLY the same).
After introducing her to Francesca I asked her if she was there alone and she said no and waved over the women she was with. And wouldn't you know it one of the women she was with is a woman I'd been out on two dates with last fall named Judy. Jen proceeds to introduce me to Judy and we do the smile and nod awkwardly at each other thing. I have NO idea what the names of the other two women are because all I'm thinking about now is how to get out of the awkward Judy situation and am starting to wonder if perhaps Ms. Ex is there and Jen was just being polite and didn't mention it to me knowing we broke up.
Since Beth Orton's set was now over Francesca and I were like "well, we want to walk around and look at vendors since we just got here, bye!" and we walked away. Now, on my first date with Judy I ran into Francesca while waiting for Judy to arrive. She sat down to chat with me while I waited and so was there when Judy got there. So, Judy and Francesca met then. Then, after I sent Judy the "it was fun, but I think we'd be better friends than girlfriends" e-mail after our second date (to which I got no response) Francesca and I ran into her again at a Roller Derby bout. It was awkward, very awkward. Pretty sure Judy thinks Francesca and I are dating since this is now three times I've seen her and have been with Francesca. I can only imagine what the conversation was like with Judy and Jen after Francesca and I walked away. AND I have NO idea how Jen and Judy even know each other because Judy is firmly in the CT lesbian scene and Jen is from NY even though she used to spend a lot of time down in New Haven. I'm still confused by all that.
Anyway, I am now totally on the lookout for anyone else I might know (meaning mostly Ms. Ex). We find the little stage where Nneka is doing a couple songs and we listen to her perform then walk around for a little while (and get a drink so I can shake off the awkwardness of running into Judy. Again.) as we wait for Missy Higgins to come on. At some point we walk by one of my co-workers (and who I assume is her girlfriend from what I've heard through the grapevine) but she doesn't see me in the crowd.
We watch Missy Higgins as I'm studiously avoiding running into Jen again so as not to awkwardly run into Judy. We head up to the main stage to see Ingrid Michaelson. Ingrid is amazing of course (as are Bess Rogers and Allie Moss, part of her band). I wanted her set to go on and on. I saw my co-worker and her girlfriend come in and take seats while Francesca and I are standing as close as us folks with lawn seats can get. After Ingrid was Sara Barellis who was also fantastic. After Sara we went to find a bathroom at which point I saw someone else I knew from work and stopped to chat for a minute.
When we came back from the bathroom we noticed that the venue staff who were guarding the gates so us measly lawn ticket holders couldn't get into the empty seats were gone and that people were starting to come down from the lawn and take seats. We of course did the same thing and managed to get decent seats in the front row of the center of the back section. From there we watched Cat Power who was totally wasted on the crowd. It was too bad because she was really good.
By this time I'm feeling pretty good about my chances of running into anyone else. I mean, we've been there for hours and have been walking around and I feel pretty confident if I was going to run into anyone else it would have happened already. And also I'm not horribly sunburned like I was at Lilith in 1997 and this is an amazing thing (oh the tan lines from that day!). During a break my co-worker who was seated in front of us was looking around and I got her attention and waved, but we didn't chat.
About halfway through the Indigo Girls set I get a text message. From Ms. Ex. It basically said "So I heard you're here. What's going on with Dish Network?" I told you about my two hours on hold with them on Friday right? I replied "Yes, I am here" and from there ensued the where are you sitting, do you want to see me texts. Apparently she had also run into her friend Jen who told her that I was there.
For reasons I could not understand at the time the directions to where I was sitting confused the hell out of Ms. Ex. I had my eye out for her figuring she'd make her way down since people were pretty much walking around freely regardless of what kind of ticket they had. Francesa was feeling weird about meeting my ex and was on the lookout for her even though she doesn't know what she looks like. We had the "I wonder if Jen and Judy told her we were a couple" conversation.
Meanwhile I'm still texting with Ms. Ex to explain where we were sitting. She finally "got it" and told me she was on the sidewalk. There are a ton of sidewalks so I told her I'd find her after the set. She told me she was wearing, and I do indeed quote verbatim here, a "strip shirt." As though 1) I wouldn't remember what she looks like and 2) it would help me find her because clearly I don't remember what a women I lived with for 9 years looks like and 3) really? a strip shirt?? She meant striped of course, but still.
I got up (leaving Francesca safely in her seat) and found Ms. Ex after the set. There's an awkward hug which she wants to last longer and I don't and I can smell the cheap beer oozing out of her. I should point out here that I am stone cold sober and have been allllll day even after the one drink I had eariler. The drunkness explains why she couldn't understand my directions to where we were sitting. We then proceed to "catch up" for a few minutes.
She hasn't changed a bit (other than the weight gain) and it's wonderful to have that reinforced. I never liked the way she got when she drank. Smarmy is the only word I can think of to describe it. I can tell she wants me to tell her everything about me and my life and I won't/don't. She gets a few details about my cats and dog and she tells me how my former dog is doing. We chat about my Dish Network issues and family and that's about it. I say I have to get back and she says "they" are about to leave and she doesn't want to miss her ride (god I really hope she wasn't driving after all the drinking). She tells me I look good, I say thanks and walk back to Francesca.
Luckily that ended my run ins for the night. We watched Sarah McLachlan's set in peace and really enjoyed the final encore where Sarah brings the other artists on stage to sing with her. They did a cover of "Because the Night" which was amazing and worth staying for. Traffic was a breeze so we were able to get out of there pretty quickly. And that, apparently, is what it's like to go to the Lilith Fair with me. It honestly never occured to me that I would see so many people I knew there (and I'm sure there were more that I missed).
Also, see why I couldn't text all that? Hope you had a good (and less eventful) Sunday and that your Monday is off to a good start. And thanks again for the anti-rain dance. It was a gorgeous day.
Jess
Here's a recap video of Lilith. My favorite part is the end where Sarah McLachlan needs the lyrics to sing with the Indigo Girls.
Also watch this video. Not as awesome as last night's version, but still pretty good.
I guess since this is a Lilith Fair post it's only right to post Sarah McLachlan lyrics. From I Will Remember You (or the "puppies are DYING because you aren't adopting them you bad BAD person" commercial song as it's now known):
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one
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