Yeah, soooo

I had one of those drives home from work today. No, I wasn't stuck in traffic. And it wasn't even precipitating which can cause havoc as people forget how to drive from one season to the next. No, I had the drive where a song popped up on my iPod which started me thinking and when I'm over tired, like I am today, the thinking is not a good thing. There are so many songs which would be fitting for today's blog, but I decided I might as well go with the one that got the whole ball rolling by popping up in my shuffle. Ladies and gentleman I give you another Sarah McLachlan song, this one is called I Love You.

Just you and me
on this island of hope
A breath between us could be miles

Let me surround you
My sea to your shore
Let me be the calm you seek

These lyrics started me thinking about the last woman I dated, she of the five months of happiness. One of the things she said to me at some point was just how calm she always felt around me and in my house. She said there's just something about me that has a calming, soothing, peaceful effect. So the "let me be the calm you seek" line really struck me tonight and I started to really miss her. And I had a break down. In my car. As I was driving home from work. Because clearly, if you're going to have a breakdown doing it while driving home is the absolute best time to do it. Who needs to see pesky things like the cars in front of them or traffic lights or lines on the road??? Apparently I have not moved on as much as I thought I had. Good to know.

And of course listening over and over and over again to a song that's making you cry while you try to drive isn't enough, no there has to be more to the story right? Well, every day on my way too and from work I drive by the place where FMHW now works (where she now works with a good friend of mine I might add). And since she started working there I've wondered sort of off handedly (is that a word?) whether I'd ever see her driving into or home from work. Part of me hoping I'd see her and part of me not. Our commuting paths cross for all of like maybe two tenths of a mile at the most, the distance between two stop lights.

You know what's coming next right? Who's car should I see in the left hand lane ahead of me? None other than FMHW herself as I am wiping away tears with a napkin I found in my glove compartment. What perfect timing! And of course I HAVE to look in her car and try not to look in her car and try not to hit the big SUV in front of me as I drive by her. And just that split second glance of her profile outlined in the dark with the ambient light from the headlights and tail lights around us was enough to get the water works going again.

The only plus I guess is that my life is not a true romantic comedy. Because you know, if this was a movie, my cell phone would have started to ring just as I turned the corner at the light and it would have been her. "Hey, I just saw you drive by and thought I'd call and say hi!" Thankfully that did not happen.

What did happen next is that my iPod thought it would be funny to play Falling for the First Time by the Barenaked Ladies. Have you heard it? It starts like this:

I'm so cool, too bad I'm a loser
I'm so smart, too bad I can't get anything figured out
I'm so brave, too bad I'm a baby
I'm so fly, that's probably why it
Feels just like I'm falling for the first time

Because when you're having a break down and feeling really shitt about yourself those first couple lines will totally help turn your frown upside down. And of course the song ends with the lines:

Anything loved can be lost
Maybe I lost my direction
What if our love was the cost?

Yeah, that didn't help all that much. Thanks iPod. You can go back to playing Rent every other song now, that would be great. Or even Christmas music. Or the Ani that you seemed to think I needed to hear all day at work today. Any of those would be great. Thanks.

Really what I need to do is just go upstairs right now and go to bed (at 7:30 pm on a Monday nigth) and hope I don't dream about alligators and foster children who mug social workers again tonight. Perhaps I also shouldn't eat oreos right before going to bed....

What I will do instead is play around online, probably e-mail FMHW and say "Hey, guess who I saw on my way home from work tonight?" because I am a glutton for punishment and try to figure out what to do about the situation I now find myself in with a woman I've been chatting with on the dreaded online dating site. Who I'm not interested in in that way who has now sent me her phone numbers. Ugh! I am so not cut out for this stuff.

Oh and Kim? The ghost stories will be forthcoming, just have to find the right song.....