Saturday, June 19, 2010


In case you were wondering, I decided to live in the present and let the past stay in the past. It was the right thing to do and I'm glad I did. I guess in the land of the Bard I would have chosen "to be" over "not to be." But again, that was someone else's question, not mine.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Coincidence or a sign?

Last night I had a dream about FMHW (who is, for those new to the blog, my last girlfriend and somewhat the reason I started baring my soul on the interwebs). I use those initials (which are not her initials) to protect her anonymity. Because I'm thoughtful like that. And because really, the point is not who she is exactly, merely that she is at all.

Right then, the dream. Last night I dreamed I was with a couple friends on vacation. We stopped in to this tiny little mom and pop restaurant (I'm talking like 5 tables total) for dinner. We were seated and low and behold but who should be at the next table, the one directly beside me? Yeah, FMHW. She was wearing a white t-shirt with a light green cardigan over it. The cardigan was the same color as her car in real life. My dreams are all about the details (like this one, and this one)

She and I talked. I don't know about what, in fact I'm not sure we even really talked in the dream or if I just had the impression that we did. Time passed and I guess we all ate, but in the way of dreams I couldn't tell you what we all had or how the service was or anything like that. All I can remember is that she excused herself to do something (bathroom? talk to the cook? I don't know) and my friends had now morphed into my parents (because really, that totally happens in real life). And my parents were ready to leave. I told them I'd meet them at the car and I went searching for FMHW because we hadn't finished talking. There was this total sense of something not being finished.

And in the way of dreams the little mom and pop restaurant was now undergoing construction (mostly in the kitchen area) and was also now a post office. And apparently I was interfering with the distribution of the mail by looking for FMHW because the workers were very displeased with me. I looked all over for her, but I couldn't find her. She just seemed to have disappeared into thin air (or escaped out the back). And so I left, walked outside to meet my parents feeling that feeling you feel when you know there was supposed to be more of something but that didn't happen (how many feels can you use in a sentence??). Disappointment, a little frustration, confusion for sure with a touch of hurt mixed in.

And then I woke up in a full on, full body sweat. It was 3 am, no where near time for me to be getting up for work, so I peeled the covers off a bit to cool down, rolled over and went back to sleep where I proceeded to have another strange dream of which I remember fewer details, but I know it was work stress related. There was yelling at a cashier involved when the greeting card I was buying morphed into a $48 piece of jewelery. I think it was a necklace. But that's all I really remember about it now.

So, I went off to work this morning thinking "boy, that was a strange night. So much for going to bed early so I get a good night's sleep." And that was that. I had a busy day at work, as they all are this time of year and didn't give my dreams another thought as I raced from meeting to problem solving to meeting to answering questions and putting out fires to another meeting to answering e-mails and voice mails and so on and so forth.

Not another thought, that is, until I was driving home and drove by FMHW. I haven't driven by her since the fall sometime I think. And I pass where she works twice a day five days a week while driving to and from work. And today, the day after the night where I dreamed about her (wearing a sweater the same color as her car) I drive by her. WTF? Is this a coincidence? Is it a sign? Is the universe fucking with me? Again? I don't know what to make of this really. Because what is the probability of that happening statistically speaking? No really, I'm serious. What are the chances?

So, now I'm sitting here wondering if I should e-mail her to say hello or if I should leave the past completely in the past. The last time I dreamed about her (two times in like a week or something crazy) I said to myself "Okay, if it happens again then you write her." Well, I'd call this happening again. Do I listen to myself or not? Stay in the present or fall back to the past? To be or not to be, that is the question. Wait, no, that's someone else's story sorry. Back to me.

I don't know what I should do. And when you don't know what to do the best thing to do is nothing. Or is it? Rock, Jess, Hard Place. Or something like that.

The lyrics for this post are from Rachael Yamagata's Be Be Your Love. This is a song I'll probably always associate with FWHM. Not for the obvious reasons of falling in love and not being able to be with the person you fell in love with. More so because at the time we were dating it was on both of our Top 25 most played songs playlists in our each of our iTunes. And it, of course, came up on shuffle on my iPod on my way home from work. WTF Universe? Is all this a coincidence or is it a sign? And if it's a sign what am I supposed to do with it?

If I could take you away
Pretend I was queen
What would you say
Would you think I'm unreal
'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel

Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Want to be your everything


Everything's falling and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you

Saturday, June 5, 2010


I'm feeling nostalgic tonight. This weekend is reunion weekend at my alma mater, Wells College. A school I loved with all my heart and soul. A small woman's college that sat directly on a lake.

The above is our boathouse and the dock I spent many an hour watching the stars from. I would love to be there now.

I arrived at Wells in the fall of 199X and didn't leave for four solid years. I stayed in town during the summer and worked at the college. I knew the school inside and out. It's the place where I discovered myself and grew so much as a person and where I learned so many valuable life skills (and also I sometimes went to class and learned there too). It was home to me. When coming into town you see the bell tower before you see anything else. I always knew I was home when I could see the bell tower.

But the college of my memories is no longer. Five and a half years ago alumnae got the notification that the following fall the college would be going co-ed. And as if that wasn't bad enough it was going co-ed under the leadership of a fellow alumna. A sister. I am still bitter.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not against co-education. I'm against my school being co-ed. Because by going co-ed it lost it's niche. See, down the lake there's a very large very prestigious university (ahem, I'm looking at you Cornell) and a larger co-ed liberal arts college (and now I'm looking at you Ithaca College). Up the lake there is another large university (known as the home of the Orangemen). Across the lake another co-ed liberal arts college (yeah, you might never have heard of this one so never mind). Not to mention the countless other institutions of higher learning in a pretty small radius. What made Wells unique, being a woman's college, is now no more.

And the reason we were told it was going co-ed was because it was going to bring in more money. Bring in the revenue to save the school. That hasn't happened. The future for the college looks bleak (perhaps the most bleak it has ever looked) and the alumna president, a fellow sister, is still at the helm of this sinking ship. And this makes me sad and angry but mostly sad.

The Wells of my memories will live on forever. But the Wells of today, well, I wouldn't be surprised to see it's doors closed for good in the next five years. Thankfully I've been out of school long enough that my work experience speaks for itself on my resume. But imagine having a degree from a school that just shut it's doors in this job market or when trying to get into grad school? Wow. I imagine that would suck.

Through the miracle that is Facebook I understand that the president's address at reunion was more of the same line of bullshit the administration has been feeding us for as long as I can remember. How can people not see that a regime change is in order? How can the board of trustees not see the downward spiral the college has taken since madam alumna has been president? Madam completely fucking unqualified alumna that is. One likes to be accurate when one is referencing professional titles. It's is beyond infuriating. Particularly so for me because working at a college I've seen first hand how much good a change in leadership can do for a school that's having financial difficulties.

And the sad thing is that there are so many talented alumnae, so many of us with skills and know how to help. But no one will listen. They don't want to hear what we have to say. Instead they force through a "strategic plan" that's more of the same old same old (which has been oh so effective for the last decade or so). They can't go co-ed again, but I'm sure if they could they'd be doing it in a heartbeat.

Anyhow, I'm feeling nostalgic for my time at Wells tonight. Nostalgic for the fun (and sometimes not so much fun) I had with the beautiful, talented, strong, funny, intelligent, kind, caring, generous, you name it women, no not just women, sisters, that I spent those four years with. They are some of the most incredible and amazing people I have ever met. And though it's not my reunion year I know many of my friends are in Aurora this weekend. Listening to the bullshit coming from the administration. But also reliving their time there (and if I know my sisters having a drink or five down at the Fargo). I imagine those four years had a profound impact on all of us. I know they certainly did for me.

And yes, I know, everyone's college experience is special in it's own way. But I can guarantee you that no one else's experience was like ours. There was just something so special about it. And that's another thing which makes me sad. The generations of young women who won't get to experience that specialness like we did. Henry Wells is rolling over and over and over in his grave right now I imagine. If he'd intended to start a co-ed school he'd have done so. Or better yet, just gone to work at Cornell with his buddy Ezra. But no, he had a vision and that vision was a woman's college. And an alumna destroyed it.

I could go on and on and on about this. Seriously, for like days and days I could go on. I try not to think about it at all most of the time because I get so sad and so angry. But sometimes you just gotta let it out. Sometimes you swim in the dark waters of your anger and nostalgia and long for the days when you could walk out your dorm room door at any time of the day or night and always find someone to talk to. And yeah, you might still have been lonely, but you were never ever alone. Long for the days when you were still hopeful that this still new alumna president would be good for the college you loved so dearly. When your rose colored glasses were still firmly planted on the bridge of your nose instead of lying shattered and broken on the floor.

There are two songs for this post. First up is the alma mater. The REAL alma mater, not the one they're using now with the words changed. That song will NEVER be my alma mater.

Fair Wells with loyal hearts
Thy DAUGHTERS ever sing
And to the name we love
Thy joyous tributes bring

And Wells, dear Wells we shout in singing
To thee our songs we raise
Thee would we ever praise
Our alma mater, dear alma mater!

To thee our songs we raise
Thee would we ever praise
Our alma mater, Beloved Wells!

And here's the one we sang to congratulate one of our sisters for something, for anything really.

Oh (name) we sing to you
You are so good and true
We'll all be loyal to you
We raise your name
And praise you to
And so we sing to dear old Wells
And you! Hey!

Both songs end in a fist pump by the way. Because we're classy like that.