Wednesday, April 29, 2009

A few days late on this post

I meant to post on Saturday and then on Sunday and also on Monday and Tuesday. Now it's Wednesday and I finally have the time. So, I had a date on Saturday. Another strike out. But that's perfectly okay. I realized as I was sitting there across from this perfectly nice woman that I just didn't want to be there. Even if I had really wanted to be there, there wouldn't have been a love connection. It's a simple as that.

I also realized something I think I've known all along (so would that be re-realized?), I am perfectly okay being single. I'm perfectly happy with my life. I have a good life, a great life. I own a house, have a great dog, fantastic friends, a good job, my health, goals and dreams. What more can a person ask for really? Would it be nice to share all this with a special someone? Of course that would be nice. But that's really just the icing on the cake.

Until I meet that special woman I'm content with life as it is. And knowing this about myself is a great thing. I am happy alone which is something that a lot of people will never be able to say about themselves. I've already done the equivalent of marriage and divorce and come out the other side a stronger person. Will my heart get broken again in the future? Maybe, and if that happens I'll deal with it. But I won't run right out and try to find someone to mend it for me. No one else can fix you, only you can fix yourself. And I'm very good at fixing things.

Spring is here, the flowers are in bloom, the days are longer, the weather is warmer, life really is good.

The lyrics for this post are from a song called Clean by Depeche Mode. I'm pretty sure the song is about overcoming a drug addiction and in that way it is not apropos to me in the least, but I think when you listen to the song you can also relate it to being able to let go of the past and overcome a difficult time in your life.

The cleanest I've been
An end to the tears
And the in-between years
And the troubles I've seen

Now that I'm clean
You know what I mean
I've broken my fall
put an end to it all
I've changed my routine
Now I'm clean

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

How it all started

As I was driving home from work tonight I happened to be listening to what I used to consider "our song." That is "our song" for my college girlfriend and I. And the song was being sung by another friend of mine since I was listening to an album of one of my college's a cappella groups, Henry's VIII. As I was singing along at the top of my lungs I drove by FMHW. And while there was a moment of quickened heartbeat when I saw her car and as I sped past, that was it. Nothing else. No welling of tears, no yearning for the past, no what ifs or if onlys, just more singing at the top of my lungs because it's great to be alive. And that's when I decided it was finally time to post about the inspiration for this blog, the Great Song Quoting Incident of 2008. After all, how likely is it that I would drive by one ex-girlfriend while listening to the song that another ex-girlfriend and I considered "our song?"

Back in late September I was feeling really down. I am a sensitive person and very emotional to boot (whether I appear that way or not, I really am). FMHW had broken up with me for what I know intellectually to be excellent reasons (for her) but which I could not yet grasp emotionally. I have never been one to let go easily. One night in September I was an absolute mess. And then, of course, there were the hormones on top of it all (oh the joys of being a woman!). And over the course of the last year or so my hormones cause me to be just barely this side of certifiably crazy during that time of the month. This is when I decided it would be a good idea to e-mail FMHW some things that I was thinking and wondering about. You know the typical stuff like hey how are you, what have you been up to, why did you break up with me and why haven't you contacted me and OH MY GOD someone should have just taken my laptop away from me. That's the problem with living alone. There's no one here to prevent me from doing crap like that.

Apparently I turn into a 13 year old girl when I've been broken up with. I mean, I guess it's good to know that about oneself, but really it's rather embarrassing. I cannot think of that e-mail and not cringe a little inside. What must she think of me now? I mean I was this pretty smooth (for me at least) and rational and normal woman and then I go and do that? But the worst part? Oh the worst part is that I added a P.S. to the e-mail and in that P.S. I admitted to being a complete emotional/hormonal wreck and acting like a 13 year old girl. That alone would not have been bad. I mean it might just explain where my head was for the previous paragraphs. But I could not stop there could I?

Nope, I do not know how to quit while I am ahead. I then proceeded to quote song lyrics. Oh yes I did. And I did not just quote a lyric or two. I quoted the whole damn song. I am SUCH an idiot! And in addition to the quoting I apologized for it not being a song from the 70s because she loves 70s music. And you know what? It is a song from the 70s, I just quoted the cover (which can be heard here). Again I am an idiot. Who does something like that? Wait, don't answer that.

After I clicked send I knew I'd made a huge mistake. But what can you do? I apologized the next day and asked her to please chalk it up to something akin to a drunk dial. I was thoroughly mortified by my actions the next morning. Of course as I was writing the e-mail it seemed like the perfect thing to do (see my post here about the perfect e-mail). I mean I am this brilliant, witty, beautiful catch of a woman and obviously if I quote song lyrics to you that will take away all the reasons (valid reasons) for ending our relationship. Clearly lyric quoting is the answer for everything! I have discovered the biggest secret of all! Get fired? Quote song lyrics to your boss and you will be rehired instantly! Get pulled over for speeding? Quote song lyrics to the cop and you'll get off scot-free! Being mugged? Quote song lyrics and the perp will drop his knife and run in the other direction leaving you unharmed and unfazed!

I will repeat, I am SUCH an idiot.

So, that incident was the inspiration for this blog. I thought perhaps if I blogged about song lyrics then just maybe I would not quote song lyrics in e-mails at inappropriate times (or EVER again when e-mailing an ex). So far, so good. My good friend Francesca shared a song with me in the week following the Great Song Quoting Incident of 2008. I cannot think of a more appropriate song for this blog post or in reference to that incident. Without further ado, I give you fuck was I by Jenny Owen Youngs.

and there's always a big mess left over
What did you do?
What did you say?

Skillet on the stove is such a temptation
maybe I'll be the lucky one that doesn't get burned
what the fuck was I thinking?

Monday, April 13, 2009

Sitting in...

A friend sent me a forward last week that I actually printed out and taped to the wall of my office. It was a handbook for 2009. It's got lots of good things to remember like eating healthy and being good to yourself (and others) among other things. One of the things that sticks in my mind the most is the one that says to "sit in silence for 10 minutes every day." I do my fair share of that I suppose. I read every night before bed and even though I do listen to my iPod a fair amount at work sometimes I forget to turn it on and sometimes after I've turned it off to take a phone call or something I forget to turn it back on.

So, I'm perfectly capable of sitting in silence. I have no problems with it. I don't need the TV on while I'm cleaning the house or making dinner. I don't have to have music on to fill the silence either. But when it is quiet and the only sounds are those from outside or from my pets (or the fountain I bought them to drink from) my mind isn't quiet. And I wonder, when I'm supposed to be sitting in silence if my mind is supposed to be silent too. Because it's not. It rarely ever is even when I'm sleeping.

There's usually a song stuck on repeat (oh who am I kidding it's usually just a few lyrics that are stuck on repeat) or perhaps I'm replaying a memory or maybe I'm composing a blog in my head or a story or a poem or an essay that I want to write. So, am I supposed to try to turn all that off while I'm sitting in silence? And if so can someone tell me where the off switch is? Because I think someone forgot to install the off switch when the wired my brain. Or if they did install it they hid is somewhere that makes it really hard to find.

I'm not complaining, I mean it's normal for me for my mind to be constantly thinking about something, anything, everything. I'm just wondering how people do things like meditate because I find it very difficult to do that without thinking about what groceries I need or thinking of an artist I want to check out on iTunes to see if I've missed any of their music or maybe even what I want to make for dinner tomorrow or the work I need to do at work or the book I'm reading or whatever pops into my head.

I'm very capable of self entertaining and being alone. I'm a loner at heart after all (which I suppose makes the whole dating thing a tad harder). I don't mind the quiet, in fact I prefer it to the cacophony of sounds that often surround us in this world. It seems as though sometimes we just can't escape from all the noise. And I suppose reminding people to "sit in silence for ten minutes every day" was a the way for the person who wrote the handbook my friend sent me to remind everyone to step back from the hustle and bustle of our every day lives.

And that leads me to my lyrics for today. I give you Enjoy the Silence by Depeche Mode.

All I ever wanted
all I ever needed
is here in my arms
words are very unnecessary
they can only do harm

Enjoy the silence

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Hodge Podge

Today's blog is going to be in list form; because I like lists. They help keep me organized and on task; and there's that huge sense of satisfaction when you're able to cross something off your list once you've done it. Sometimes I add things to a list that I've already completed just so I can cross them off. And in honor of today's list I give you Santa Claus is Coming to Town written by J. Fred Coots and Haven Gillespie. Yes, I do know it's April. But this song is now stuck in my head so I'm going to get it stuck in your head too.

You better watch out
you better not cry
better not pout
I'm tellin' you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
he's making a list
and checking it twice
gonna find out who's naught and nice

1. Today is garbage day. Tuesday has been garbage day for me for the past four and a half years. I did not put out my garbage last night when I got home from work because it was pouring. This was a change in my routine and thus I forgot to put it out this morning before I left for work (because in my head it was already out and I was really really tired; still am). Of course I didn't remember that I forgot to put it out until I drove up to my driveway after work and wondered A) who stole my garbage can and then when I realized that was crazy talk B) why the trash collectors had taken it (and my recycle bin); I'd just paid my bill after all. Needless to say the garbage and the recycling were safe and sound in my garage right where I left them yesterday evening. I am not the sharpest tool in the shed today.

2. I found a gray hair today; I promptly yanked it out. I have always said I would grow old gracefully, not dye my hair or try to cover up my age. The gray today made me wonder if I'll be able to stick to my guns on my resolve to age gracefully. I did not like it. At all. We shall see.

3. I would be willing to bet that before Maggie was rescued from the streets of Memphis, TN she was in a pack of hunting dogs. She, however, must have been the Ferdinand the bull of her pack and thus a failure in the eyes of her owner. How can you know this you might ask? Well, tonight after work I saw her sniffing in the back yard; 30 ft to her left was a rabbit (which I might add was nearly as large as she). Instead of chasing her prey (or even noticing it for that matter) Maggie continued to sniff around and then decided to poop. The rabbit as you might have guessed hopped away completely unnoticed by Maggie. I love my girl with all my heart, but if I were a hunter and she were in my hunting pack I might have been tempted to just let her loose too. She's a lover not a fighter; unless that is you get between her and her dinner...

4. Today is Ms. Ex's birthday; it's also the birthday of one of my writer friends, my cousin and FMHW's oldest daughter. I was reminded of today's significance when I got home from work and had a message from a car dealer where Ms. Ex bought a Jeep three (?) years ago. They "wanted to be one of the first to wish her a Happy Birthday." They called and left a message last year as well. I will be calling them this time to ask them to remove my phone number from whatever database they have it in; I will also be giving them her cell phone number. For next year you know. Why doesn't my car dealer call me on my birthday? How come I don't rate like she does?

5. I think there was a number five when I started this list. But the aging process has started and I'm finding more and more lately if I don't write it down or do it exactly when I've just thought of it, I will forget to do it.

6. Maybe my number five was going to be the fact that I don't have to go back to the vet with Maggie or the boys for six months. I have been to the vet in one way, shape or form at least once a week since the beginning of October. This is such a relief. I'm not sure what I'll do with my free time.

7. Am I crazy? Here's the situation: The Talker e-mailed me late late late on Thursday night. I did not respond on Friday or during the weekend. On Monday VERY early in the morning she e-mails me again to see if I'd gotten the first e-mail. Now, I was going to e-mail her while I was at work on Monday, but her second e-mail pissed me off and made me not want to. So, I e-mailed her last night saying I'd been busy and was trying to limit my online time on the weekends since I spend all week plugged in. I also said that this week wasn't great to get together but next week should be good. In response I get a message (again VERY early in the morning) that it seems like it's going to be hard to schedule a time to get together again since I'm not a phone person and am limiting my online time. Really? That's going to make it hard? What's making it fucking hard is she's not even suggesting days or times that would be good. If I say next week should be good don't you think someone would look at their calendar and then suggest times that week that would work for them??? I mean if I'd gotten the message I wrote her I would have said "Tuesday and Wednesday would work for me. Maybe Thursday as well. Let me know what works best for you and I'll see you then." Especially since I know her schedule is pretty much wide open. So, now I'm really frustrated and am sort of regretting even saying I had a good time last week. Because it was just kind eh for me, but a better eh than the other dates have been so I thought I'd give her another shot. Argh! Women are so frustrating!

8. I am very hungry and I have to pee. I'd say that's a clue for me to stop blogging and start eating.

9. Apparently I go through blogging spurts. I am on a spurt recently. Wonder how long it will last?

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Yeah, sooooo

Just a quick post to say that the candle I was trying to use up was not in fact a magical candle. Shortly after I posted last night I was in my kitchen and I heard a pop and something make a sort of jingling noise.

Ice cream scoop in hand I went to investigate and found that the jar that the candle was in had, um, exploded on top of my grandmother's antique bookcase. The jingling noise being, of course, glass hitting the hardwood floor. I cleaned up the mess right away (hot wet wax puddled under what was left of the jar and a few scattered shards of glass) and then finished scooping my ice cream. No real harm done thankfully.

Also, you might be interested to know that by the time the candle has burned low enough to make the glass jar explode most if not all of the good smell of the scented candle has been used up and it is replaced by this stench of burning something that is rather unpleasant. Just wanted to share that with you all for future reference. In case, you know, you were thinking of seeing just how long the candle would in fact burn.

And you might want to be a tad careful just like the label on the candle says and do not burn the candle unattended. That is my PSA for the evening. You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming.

Lyrics for this post.....hmmm....oh!!! I give to you Eternal Flame by the Bangles.

Close your eyes, give me your hand, darling
Do you feel my heart beating, do you understand?
Do you feel the same, am I only dreaming?
Is this burning, an eternal flame?

I believe it's meant to be, darling
I watch you when you are sleeping, you belong to me
Do you feel the same, am I only dreaming
Or is this burning an eternal flame?

Saturday, April 4, 2009

No title, please make up your own

I haven't been able to fully wake up all day. I don't know if it's because I'm just plain tired or if it's because I went back to bed for three hours after I got up this morning. I guess that would be considered a nap. And I don't nap well. It takes me forever to fall asleep when I nap and then when I wake up I feel all woozy and actually worse than before I feel asleep. There's no woozy feeling today, but there is the "I really just want to go back to sleep" feeling. And I've had it all freaking day.

Today I managed to build a step for Maggie to be able to get up on the couch herself and take her for a walk. That is the sum total of what I've done today. I can't even summon the energy to read. And I want to read because I have three or four books that I wish I could hold up to my head and just know them from beginning to end.

Feeling like this on a weekend is better than feeling like this all day at work I guess. But I still feel like my weekend is being wasted. I have a laundry list of things to do that I feel looming over my head and because I set such high standards for myself I feel as though I'm letting myself down when I'm not able to cross something(s) off my list on a weekend. I bet there's a support group for people like me. I will have to put looking for one on my to do list.

I feel like I had something else to say when I started this post and it is now gone into the black hole of my memory. I bet I'll remember what it was as soon as I publish this post. And on a completely unrelated topic I am trying to use up a candle. The damn thing which looked as though it wouldn't even light has been burning for hours. Many many many hours over the course of three days. I am beginning to wonder if it's some sort of magic candle.

Hmmmm, a song for this post.....we'll go with Candlelight by Imogen Heap.

I am alone, surrounded by
the color blue
inside a poem, the only
words I ever knew
washing my hands, of the
many years untold
for now I am banned, my
future is to unfold

would you take my
would you take my
would you take my
away from me

Friday, April 3, 2009


I had another coffee date on Wednesday night. This one went better than the one on Sunday. At least it wasn't awkward the entire freaking time like the one on Sunday. Because that one? Way awkward. At least on Wednesday night there were no awkward silences where I had to search for conversation.

Nope, I don't believe there were any silences at all. And the reason for that? Well, the Talker made sure there weren't any. If you recorded the time each of us spoke and totaled it at the end of the evening the total would have been Jess 5% and the Talker 95%. And I am not even exaggerating. But I might see her again. Because it wasn't awful and she was intelligent, educated, well spoken, enjoys reading and is self sufficient. All things which are on my list of must haves. I didn't even know I had that list until comparing my two dates this week. I suppose that's a good thing to know though.

Another thing that was cemented for me this week is that I need to trust my instincts. I mean, I already know that, but sometimes I need reminders. I could tell within the first few minutes that Sunday's coffee date was not "the one" or even "the one for right now" for me. I really don't think the Talker is "the one" for me either, but she could turn into a friend. Well, that is if she stops talking enough to let me get a word in edgewise. I mean seriously I know people who love to talk and she could out talk all of them.

But I guess these experiences are good for me. They help put a finer point on what it is I am looking for in "the one." They also put into focus the fact that I had a good thing going last year, a really good thing, and that I will be comparing future "things" to that one for a long time. But that's okay, because even though my heart was broken (again) last year it was worth it. I wouldn't change a thing. And who knows what may happen in the future. As a good friend told me one time "just because you break up doesn't mean you can't get back together." I like to hold on to those words and think that perhaps that could happen for me. At the same time however, I'm not holding my breath or sitting around waiting or pining for something, someone, which may never appear.

I'm not really sure what today's lyrics have to do with this post. I'll leave you all to interpret that for yourselves. I will say though that this is one of my favorite songs at the moment. And since my fantastic friend Kim taught me how to make words into links (I know, I know, it's just a simple click, but I didn't know that!) you can listen to this song on youtube by clicking here and here. Oh, right the song is Sky by Joshua Radin and featuring Ingrid Michaelson (love her! seriously love her).

I woke, dreaming we had broke
dreaming you left me
for someone new
and you cried, drying those brown eyes
crying you're sorry
sorry won't do, but
this is the way I need to wake
I wake to you
and you never left me, all that I dreamt had been untrue
open my eyes, I see sky