Monday, September 28, 2009

Happy Place

Originally uploaded by My Life Through Lyrics
Bar Harbor is my happy place. I would like to be there now. I feel like I'm even more of a hermit now than I was before I went on vacation. Perhaps this nesting, cocooning instinct which seems so strong in me right now is just a reaction to the change in seasons, at least that's what I hope it is. I'm feeling the need to be alone a lot, but not necessarily wanting to spend all my time alone and then being kind of lonely while I am alone. I know, it makes no sense, but then again when do feelings make total sense?

I hate that it's getting dark so early even though I do love the crispness in the air not to mention that the leaves are starting to change bringing their beautiful autumnal rainbow to New England. But that of course means the season of long dark nights is quickly approaching.

And I do have this niggling thought in the back of my mind that I need to get out more, meet more people and all that. That thought was hammered home again today after receiving an e-mail about the death of a first year student at the college where I work. You have to live for now and not tomorrow and I'm trying but it's not always easy.

Also, I'm (still) looking for my motivation and my sparkle. Every once and a great while I feel a tiny spark, a prick at my creativity which taunts me into thinking my motivation is returning. I think I'm stuck in a rut that I just need to kick myself out of (in more ways than one). The hard thing though is figuring out how to kick myself out of that rut.

Until then I just ride the wave and try to figure out just exactly which direction I want my life to take. I'll watch a lot of Charmed on DVD. I'll watch all my regularly scheduled TV shows. I'll feel bad about how much TV I watch but not do anything to change it. I'll feel bad that I don't exercise more but not do anything to change that. I'll feel bad that I'm not writing or that I'm not taking more photographs but I won't do anything to change it. And then one day I'll wake up and I won't feel like this anymore. I'm looking forward to that day.

I think this post deserves a Sarah McLachlan song so I'm going with Fear.

Morning smiles
Like the face of a new born child
Innocent unknowing
Winter's end
Promises of a long lost friend
Speaks to me of comfort

But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
Here in this lonely place

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


So, I haven't posted in a while. Work blew up at the beginning of the month and then there was the second bout of car trouble the day before I was leaving for vacation. And then a much needed week's vacation during which I had hoped to find my sparkle. Sparkle wasn't exactly found, but vacation was restorative and frankly I wish I could have stayed there longer. Maybe forever. And of course this weekend I am having house guests and have been busy getting ready for them.

All this to say that I know I've neglected this blog. I'll get back to regular posting soon, I just need things to settle down a little bit first. And for my sparkle to at least show me a brief glimpse of itself. That'd be nice. Very nice.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Are we all Pavlov's dogs?

Some people evoke visceral reactions in us. These reactions run the gamut from love to hate, from passion to agony. And certainly not every person we know or meet or see evokes these visceral reactions. A physical response often accompanies these emotions. That flutter in your stomach as you catch the eye of the woman (or man) you love from across a crowded room. Or the rending pain you feel when you unexpectedly run into an ex after a bad breakup. Our bodies respond with a physical memory of emotions, feelings, thoughts, etc.

These physical responses linger. The mere thought of FMHW for instance causes the corners of my mouth to rise in a slight smile which might not even be seen by the casual observer. But I can feel it, I know it's happening. She evokes other physical responses in me as well. I can still hear her saying certain things (saying isn't exactly the right word here, but it'll do) and it's almost as if my body doesn't know she's not right here next to me.

Conversely, Ms. Ex evokes a gut wrenching feeling of loss and tears. No matter that it's been years since we've been together. No matter that even before we went our separate ways we weren't in love and we weren't happy. No matter that I'm pretty sure I was unhappy and depressed for about half of our relationship, give or take a year. No matter that I do not want to be with her. The tears still flow freely when it comes to her. And not just the kind that barely leak over your eye lids before slowly trailing down your cheeks. Nope, not those. Instead she induces the flood of tears that cause your vision to swim and leaves you gasping for breath and feeling like you've been punched in the stomach.

What I don't understand, and perhaps I am not meant to, is why I still react this way to Ms. Ex. I'm sure there's a lesson to be learned from it and perhaps when I do the feeling of being punched in the gut will go away. She e-mailed me yesterday, Ms. Ex, wanting to let me know she'd been "thinking about this a lot" and asking me to get together to "catch up" over "coffee, a meal or a hike." I had an immediate flashback to the end of our relationship when we were having "talks" that lasted forever, went nowhere, and where the same things were said over and over and over by her, words that were just lip service in the end. And Ms. Ex nearly always wanted to have these "talks" over dinner which is bad enough to do in the privacy of your own home let alone when you're out to dinner as was nearly always the case with us. A restaurant is the LAST place I want to have a talk about a failing relationship. So, needless to say I don't want to "catch up" with her over a meal.

Honestly, her e-mail ruined my afternoon and evening (great way to kick off a holiday weekend). I replied to her message tonight and told her (again) that I did not want to get together. I'm hoping this time I was clear enough that she gets the hint (how many different ways can you say "no, I don't want to get together, I'm good with the way things are and all the not talking we're doing"?). I've been telling her this for over 18 months now so we'll see if it sticks this time. I expect I'll get another e-mail from her in the next few months trying again. I think she hates not knowing what's going on in my life. She was in control for so many years. Now that she's not I don't think she knows how to handle it.

In the meantime I choose to hold onto the memories that make me smile. The thoughts and people who evoke the good responses from my body. The ones that make me tingle, my heart flutter and my mood lighter. And sometime soon I'll be lucky enough to have a woman in my life with whom I'll be making new memories and who will evoke new, happy, physical responses from my body. I'm formally putting in my order to the Universe for this woman right now. The specifics of this order I won't relay here, but I know what they are and so does the Universe. Now, I wonder how long shipping will take? Do you think the Universe uses UPS, FedEx or the US Postal Service?

I had a hard time picking lyrics for this post. How do you pick lyrics that relay in words the visceral reactions of our bodies? How do you pick lyrics that apply not only to the tears you shed over an ex you're so much better off without but also to the ex that some part of you still wishes wasn't an ex? It's not easy. I decided to go with Baby Can I Hold You by Tracy Chapman. I think in some ways it really does apply to both Ms. Ex and FMHW. And the lyrics also fit with my deep seated feeling that if only I could say or write the perfect words....

Is all that you can't say
Years gone by and still
Words don't come easily
Like sorry like sorry

Forgive me
Is all that you can't say
Years gone by and still
Words don't come easily
Like forgive me forgive me

But you can say baby
Baby can I hold you tonight
Maybe if I told you the right words
At the right time you'd be mine

I love you
Is all that you can't say
Years gone by and still
Words don't come easily
Like I love you I love you

(And I'd like to take this opportunity to say to FMHW, if you ever stumble across this blog and recognize yourself please know that I'm not some obsessive stalker who can't let go of the past, just know you had a profound impact on my life. I wish you all the love and happiness in the world. You're very capable of it and you most certainly deserve it.)

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Horoscopes and Dreams and Signs and I may read into things too much while also overthinking

I enjoy reading my horoscope. I think it's fun and some days I think it's spot on (and others it's just a bunch of hooey). I usually read it in the morning after I get to work. I don't read the newspaper and I don't turn on the radio, TV or computer before I leave the house in the morning. I'm inundated with enough technology as soon as I get to work, I cherish my quiet time in the morning. Also, I am not a morning person. In case you're wondering I am an Aries, the fiery ram (does it say that in my profile somewhere? I feel like it does). Personally I don't believe I'm overly ramish or fiery, but then again I might be a little too close to myself to really be objective.

This morning as I settled into my work routine I pulled up my horoscope and as I read it I was all "wait, what? Really? WTF does that mean?" Here's the part that elicited that reaction: "A dream, a story or a symbol bears a message about your love life now. Consciously cultivate your ability to see connections, interpret signs and understand your world as an interconnected whole."

Now, I know what it means, but what does it mean? And I ask that question because I remember one thing and one thing only from my dream last night (which is unusual in itself for me since I typically have such long and involved and vivid dreams about things like Ms. Ex trying to frame me for a murder she committed or me bringing my cats to my college reunion where I find that the dorm we're staying in is also being used by some southern college football team, but I digress). And the one thing I remember from last night's dream is that FMHW was in it and not in a bad way but not in a way like we were living the Hollywoodized happily ever after of the movies. But she was definitely there and there were definitely feelings on both our parts and they were very strong and there was a strong feeling of longing on both sides as well.

So, what does the dream mean in relation to my horoscope? What message does this dream bear about my love life? Am I supposed to contact her? I haven't seen her in over a year. I haven't heard from her in over 8 months. And why am I dreaming about her? Why her and not Ms. Ex who I spent nearly 9 years of my life with? Why can't I just let this damn relationship or fling or summer fun or whatever you want to call it go?

It's not as though I don't know there are other fish in the sea. It's not as though I'm not actively seeking out said other fish. I am not sitting here pining for her every night, feeling sad and lonely and incomplete. I'm perfectly happy to be quite honest. So why this dream? Why last night? And what am I supposed to interpret from the dream? Because clearly this dream is the sign about my love life to which my horoscope is referring, what else could it be?

I just don't know what to do with this information. I cannot process it. I cannot reach a logical conclusion. Half of me is saying "oh what the hell, just send her a quick e-mail saying hi" and the other half of me is saying "NO! Don't do that because what if you DON'T hear back from her? How will that make you feel? Crushed right? So just ignore the sign, don't do anything, you're better off that way."

Which half should I listen to? I believe that the Universe will continue to provide the signs and that they'll continue to pop up until you listen to what they have to say. And honestly? This isn't the first dream I've had that she's been a part of in some way, shape or form recently. It's like the third or fourth. I just chose to ignore the first few. Is that a sign in itself or is my subconscious just trying to work some shit out? Needless to say I'm pretty deep in my own head right now trying to figure all this out.

Perhaps I should listen to a different part of my horoscope which states "Don't be rushed. When things are unclear, it's best to stop and ask questions." But ask questions of who??? And it also tells me my "intuition should be a good guide." But I feel as though my intuition is on vacation. So, I just don't know what I'm supposed to make of all this. That seems to be the story of my life. But that's okay, I will learn something from this. I just don't know what that'll be.

Today's lyrics come from the song Hello by Schuyler Fisk. She's a new discovery for me and I rather like her.

I wonder who you're loving now
I'm guessing we won't work things out

you know what they say
you can't have it so you want it back
I'm way past that
believe me
if you could be in my life
like you've been on my mind
it'd be so easy

it's me again
it's three days now
that you've been in my dreams
and i don't know, i guess
you've just been on my mind
i don't know, i guess
i think about you all the time