Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I had a good streak going....

A good streak of dreamless nights that is. Or maybe I should say with nights where I didn't have a disturbing dream, because I think I dream most nights I just don't always remember them. Last night's dream broke my streak. I cannot even begin to try to explain the dream so I'm not going to bother. What I can describe is how badly it fucked with my emotions.

It was one of those dreams that stays with you all day. And not in a good way. If you want to get right down to it I'm pretty sure I know why I had the dream (I am generally pretty self aware). But just because you know why you had a certain dream doesn't make the feeling like you've just had your heart broken, again, go away easily. I guess you could slot last night's dream into the "woe is me" category. Also? In case you were wondering, having your heart broken in your dream hurts just as much as it does when it happens in real life. I don't recommend it. Having year heart broken in your dream by someone who has broken your heart in real like really sucks.

I spent a lot of today feeling sorry for myself. For no reason other than the dream mind you. That's not a good way to spend the day. It was one of those days where I didn't want to be at work, but I didn't want to be home and I couldn't think of any place I'd actually rather be. Honestly I'd have liked to curl up in a little ball and hidden away from the world until I started feeling better. Instead I sat at my desk going through the motions and hoping tomorrow would be a better day. What's the likelihood that I'll have my heart broken again tonight in my dream? I'm really hoping it's slim to none. Because I do not want to wake up tomorrow feeling like I did when I woke up today.

Yesterday I also got the news that someone I knew and had worked with peripherally for nearly nine years had died. I didn't even know he was sick. He didn't look sick the last time I saw him (over the summer? September? I can't remember now which makes me sad). Needless to say that news was a huge shock. I take comfort in knowing no one knew he was sick other than his boss. He'd been diagnosed with inoperable cancer earlier this year, how much earlier I don't know. And I have no idea what kind of cancer either. Gerry was the kind of guy who went the extra mile and a half for you. And he was genuinely nice. Never had a bad word to say about anyone. And his wanting to keep his illness private was very much a Gerry thing to do. He wanted to help you, not for you to help him. Gerry was only 53. Too young. Way too young. There's a memorial service for him on campus this week. I am, of course, going to go.

I'm sure that news didn't help with the dream last night. There was a distinct and palpable feeling of loss in it. A feeling of loss which carried over into my waking life today. And though Gerry and I weren't close and didn't see each other often I do feel like I have lost something. Gerry was one of the good ones.

Last night I spent an hour an a half searching the interwebs for video of a song. Apparently none exists at this time which is kind of disappointing but since the artist doesn't appear to be that well known I guess it's not too surprising. In fact I can't even find the lyrics to the song online so I'm going to have to transcribe them in order to post them. But that's okay, I think the effort is worth it. The song I'm talking about is called Words You Said and it's by an artist called Ellis. I discovered her last week (thanks iTunes!). I love her voice. And if you watch some of her videos you'll see that she can also laugh at herself which I also love. She's great and I cannot recommend her enough.

I like to imagine that Gerry might have felt this way and might have told his wife and his family something similar. This one's for you Gerry.

Words You Said by Ellis

The walls of our home
Seem to stand out of habit
I am here and you are gone
Like some kind of dark magic
You said don't let days go by
Without a love in your life
Being all alone won't honor us
Your words echo in my mind

I am one spoke in the wheel
One leaf in the tree
I will fall when my time comes
And the snow will cover me

When we were young
We'd wear our hearts in the open
We'd sing out of tune
And we'd dance until morning
We knew we wouldn't have forever
I watched them lower you down
The sky is gray and the ground is white
I say goodbye to my lover

I am one spoke in the wheel
One leaf in the tree
I will fall when my time comes
And the snow will cover me

I met someone new
And I am confused by it
She is not you
And I won't ever forget it
We dance and we sing
We laugh and we cry
I remember the words you said
And as always you were right

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


I haven't been very good about blogging lately. I haven't been very good about doing anything creative lately. But I'm not overly sad about it and I don't feel bad either. I have learned to just go with the flow and when the words are flowing I write them. When the words aren't flowing I don't force them. You should never force things. If you're lucky whatever it is you're forcing won't break. If you aren't lucky then you're likely to snap something in half by trying to force it to do something it wasn't meant to do.

Instead of being creative I've been immersing myself in TV and movies. Yes, perhaps this is escapist behavior, I'll give you that. But I prefer to think of it as recharging my batteries. Figuring out my priorities. And frankly a lot of it is just needing mindless entertainment after long days at work. The end of the calendar year is a crazy time for fund raising which means long days tiring days for me. Right now I'd rather be working on my photography than my writing anyway.

I've also spent some time decorating my house, both for the holidays and just to make it more homey. I want it to be warm and inviting when you step inside. I want you to ignore the hell hole that is the kitchen and the retro pink and gray cartoon poodles in the bathroom and focus instead on the good energy, warmth and love which fill the house. Also, in my head homey equals candles. Just sayin'.

And honestly during this time, I think I've come to terms with the possibility that I will grow old alone. I'm okay with it. I really am. Who cares if I'm a spinster with a couple of cats and a dog or two? So long as I have my friends and am able to do things I enjoy what does it matter if I come home to a house filled with only four legged companions? I've done the long term relationship thing. I've been through the equivalent of a divorce. I've loved and been loved. To have had those experiences was amazing. Now, I'm not saying I'll never love again. Because that's silly. You never know what will happen. What I'm saying is that if I don't love again I'm good with that. Being okay with the thought of spinsterhood won't prevent me from looking for love, because really who doesn't love a good horrible first date story every now and then? But it also frees me from feeling the need to find someone, anyone, to be with. And being free means feeling less negative about not being able to find someone. And being less negative about that allows me to be more positive and being more positive attracts more positive energy and that's a good thing. You know, the law of attraction and all.

Because ultimately it's not about finding just anyone to be with. It's about finding the one to be with. Finding that person who makes your heart skip. Finding that person who makes you smile for no reason when you think about them. Finding that person who you will love no matter what and who will love you no matter what. It's not about forcing a relationship or settling because you don't think you can do any better. If I could give my younger self some advice it would be not to force it. Don't stay in a relationship just because you're too scared to leave or because you don't think you'll survive on your own or you don't think anyone else will love you. Love yourself and they will love you too. I think that's a key thing which we all forget at times. You really do have to love yourself first.

And really just love in general. Love your friends, love your family, love your job or your car or your neighbors or your dog or cat or pony or lizard. Just send out love and love will come back to you. Don't force it. As the Beatles so eloquently put it "all you need is love." And while that would be a fitting song for this post, I'm going in a different direction. Instead I give you Echoes by Dar Williams.

Every time you love just a little
Take one step closer, solving a riddle
It echoes all over the world

Every time you opt in to kindness
Make one connection, used to divide us
It echoes all over the world

Send out your own echoes and you might be amazed at what comes back to you.