Sunday, January 31, 2010

Some days

I love weekends. I really do. Who doesn't? Weekends are our chance to sleep in or get up early and do what we want to do instead of going to work. Weekends we can sit in front of the t.v. all day and eat potato chips in our pajamas if we want. Or take a long walk in the middle of the day just to be outside. Or watch 3 movies and then read for the rest of the night.

Weekends are also when most of us run around doing all the errands we don't get a chance to do during the week because we are working. I can't think of a weekend when I've been home where I didn't at least need to go grocery shopping.

But weekends can also be lonely. There are days when the only person I talk to on the weekends is the cashier at the grocery store. Sure, I text with my friends and I e-mail and check Facebook and that's great. But the loneliness is still there, beneath the surface, threatening, looming, waiting for just the right moment to start seeping into my soul.

It's not the crushing loneliness of two years ago. And that's great. It's more the "it would be great to have someone sitting on the other side of the couch" kind of loneliness. The "I wish someone would make dinner for me occasionally" kind of loneliness. The "I really should have gone out and done something more today" kind of loneliness.

But when you're still recovering from an odd kind of cold that has left your right ear clogged for days and your right sinus filled to the brim it's hard to want to go out. Because frankly my hearing kind of sucks right now. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration. I feel like my hearing sucks so that makes me reluctant to want to go out and socialize. Really I can hear just fine.

I know (now at least, although it was a different story 2 years ago) that the loneliness is only temporary. It comes and goes in waves and mostly now it goes. I enjoy, nearly covet at times, my alone time. I honestly like living alone. I love the quiet of my house, or conversely I love being able to blast my music or turn up the volume of the t.v. as loud as I want it. And I love being able to watch or listen to whatever I want to watch or listen to.

But some days, some days the loneliness still comes. Those days are fewer and further between now, but the loneliness is still there, beneath the surface, threatening. Today is one of the lonely days. And that's okay. Because tomorrow won't be. Nor the day after or the day after that.

Today's lyrics come from a song by J.D. Souther. I've never heard the original but I LOVE the cover by Schuyler Fisk. It's called You're Only Lonely.

When the world is ready to fall
On your little shoulders
And when you're feelin' lonely and small
You need somebody there to hold you
You can call out my name when you're only lonely
Now don't you ever be ashamed
When you're only lonely

When you need somebody around
On the nights that try you
Remember I was there when you were a queen
And I'll be the last one there beside you
So you can call out my name
When you're only lonely
Now don't you ever be ashamed
When you're only lonely
You're only lonely
You're only lonely
You're only lonely

When the world is ready to fall
On your little shoulders
And when you're feelin' lonely and small
You need somebody there to hold you
You can call out my name
When you're only lonely
So don't you ever be ashamed
You're only lonely
You're only lonely
You're only lonely

You're only lonely

Oh, it's no crime
Darlin' we got lots of time
No, there's nothin' wrong with you
Darlin' I get lonely too
You're only lonely
You're only lonely

So, if you need me
All you've gotta do is call me
When you're only lonely
You're only lonely
When you're lonely

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


Today I sent the strangest text message I think I've ever sent. It said simply "maybe my eyes are your teeth." Taken out of context I'm sure you're thinking WTF? Teeth, eyes, what?? How would that even work?

The context of the text was me asking a friend if the cold she had (has still?) made her eyes hurt. As in the actual eyeball, not the socket or the muscles surrounding it. Because I'm totally getting her cold (which is fine, I'm not mad at her. No really, I'm not. I honestly don't care.) and I had these weird eye pains. Her response was no, but her teeth did hurt at one point. So, logically (in my mind at least) I replied that maybe my eyes were her teeth, meaning maybe the weird pains in my eyes were how my body was processing this cold and I was getting pain there instead of in my teeth. Context was very very important in this case. Because really? "Maybe my eyes are your teeth?" That makes no sense what so ever.

Context provides so much clarity in life. So many little things that we do or say or text every day would seem so incredibly odd without the context surrounding them. For instance, today a co-worker asked me if I'd resurrected someone. And I answered yes. No, I don't have the power to raise the dead. I do have the power, however, to change errors in our database and therefore I am able to make the "dead" "alive" again.

Without context in our lives I think we'd have a ridiculously hard time functioning in the world. I can't even imagine what that would be like and I hope I never find out.

Lyrics for this post are easy, even if my mind is rather muddled with the cold that's brewing (maybe I'll take a sick day, probably I won't though). They come from the song Fire Door by Ani DiFranco (<-- video link chosen not because it's a stellar performance of the song but because I used to live in Ithaca and Ani and Ithaca go hand in hand for me) (this is a better performance) (also this is one of my top 10 favorite songs of all time) (Could I use any more parenthesis in this paragraph?) (apparently, yes, yes I can).

I opened the fire door to four lips
None of which were mine kissing
Tightened my belt around my hips
Where your hands were missing

Stepped out into the cold, collar high
Under the slate grey sky, the air was smoking
And the streets were dry and I wasn't joking
When I said good bye

And there were magazine quality men talking on the corner
French, no less much less of them then us
So why do I feel like something's been rearranged?
You know, taken out of context I must seem so strange.

I killed a cockroach so big
It left a puddle of puss on my wall
And you know when you and I are lying in bed
You don't, you don't, you don't seem so tall

I'm singing now because my tear ducts are too tired
And my mind is disconnected by my heart is wired

I'd make such a good statistic
Someone should study me now
Somebody's got to be interested in how I feel
Just 'cause I'm here and I'm real and

Oh, how I miss substituting a conclusion
A confrontation with a kiss
And oh, how I miss walking up to the edge and jumping in
Like I could feel the future on your skin
I opened the fire door to four lips
None of which were mine kissing

I opened the fire door

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Insert a title without a curse word here....because I can't come up with one that doesn't include fuck.

On my drive home tonight I decided I'm angry. I stewed and stewed and stewed over something that happened at work and yes, I am angry about it. Perhaps I shouldn't be. In the scheme of things it's not that big a deal, but sometimes it's the little things that push you right over the edge.

And that's what happened today. I was apparently pushed over the edge. By my boss. Who used her mom voice on me and called me by my full name as though to 'discipline' me. She is only a few years older than me by the way. So no where near being my mother's age. Why did she use her mom voice you ask? Because I knew what I was talking about, knew how to do my job, knew the regulations we have to follow and disagreed with what she was trying to say. Which was wrong. W.R.O.N.G. And I wasn't even telling her she was wrong in front of anybody. Just trying to explain why I couldn't, legally (or ethically), do something.

A co-worker heard my boss's end of the conversation and immediately text messaged me to ask me if our boss had just been nasty to me on the phone. So, as much as I'd like to believe I'm being too sensitive and that I was just grumpy obviously I wasn't.

Yesterday I had to tell someone else I work with that my boss was wrong about something else. And again my boss tried to tell me that I didn't know what I was talking about and that we could "trick" the system. Um, no. No we can't trick the system. It's my JOB to know the god damned system. I've known the damn system intimately for almost nine years now. I know it inside out, back and forth and upsidefuckingdown. Don't tell me that there's a way to do something that there isn't.

And then, after trying to tell me yesterday that I didn't know what I was talking about, she literally said that her "evil mind would think of something." Yes, she called herself evil. And I did not argue with that. She can spin her wheels on this one as long as she likes, but with the way the current system stands the only way to accomplish what she wants to do is the way I explained to her and to the person who originally asked the question. I've explained and explained and explained until I'm blue in the face and the system isn't going to change right now. At least, not over night. And no, perhaps it isn't the best system (frankly, I have never like the way this particular part of our database works), but it's what we have and we've designed everything around how it works. And what we've used for the last 7+ years with hardly a hitch in our giddy-up.

Needless to say I'm aggravated tonight. I just want to go to work, do my job, be treated with the respect I deserve and come home. I don't need to be spoken to in a nasty tone by my boss as though I'm her 9 year old daughter who won't clean her room. And you know, for the most part, I do like my job. I like the people I work with. I like the environment. And I'm good at what I do. But days like the past couple really make me question why I've stayed for so long. Why I continue to stay for that matter. I miss my old boss. The one who retired three years ago. She would never have spoken to me in the manner I was spoken to today and she always treated me with respect. I need to send her a thank you note.....

Too frustrated to try to find lyrics today. Sorry, I'll do better next time.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Love, hate and Facebook. Or something like that

I took an extended break from blogging. It wasn't intentional, but I guess I needed it. First there were the holidays to prepare for and then the holidays themselves and then the recovery from the holidays and now here we are and it's been nearly a month since I posted last. And it's time, past time really, for a post.

My dreams have been messing with me again recently. I'm not going into the specifics but suffice it to say that they are making it very hard for me to move forward with certain aspects of my life. And hard to get a restful night's sleep. My damn subconscious won't let things go even though my conscious brain knows it's for the best to move forward, move on. My conscious brain knows there is nothing to hang on to. It knows, I know and I wish I could convince my subconscious of it too.

But I'm really having trouble reconciling it all. I thought I wasn't but I am. Why else would I be crying over someone changing their profile picture on Facebook? Besides hormones, which also might be part of the problem tonight. Some days it can be amazingly fun to be a woman. And honestly? The new profile picture is awesome. It's a great picture. But it's so not worth the tears or the messed up emotions behind them.

I love Facebook because it has allowed me to reconnect with so many people that I probably never would have found otherwise. I truly enjoy seeing what my friends are up to, seeing their pictures and reading their comments and being at least a peripheral part of their lives when we are all so very geographically far apart.

I also hate Facebook because it also evokes emotional turmoil in me at times like it's done tonight with a simple posting of a new profile picture. I could unfriend this person (okay, who am I kidding here, you all know it's FMHW I'm talking about right?), but I don't want to. I could hide her but I don't want to do that either. She rarely posts anything so it's always a surprise when she shows up in my feed.

Tonight's picture wouldn't have caught me off guard I don't think if it weren't for the dreams. I foresee another dream tonight because of this but hopefully I'll be proven wrong. My dreams are so real while I'm having them and so detailed and driven by emotion that they stay with me. Lately I really feel like there's supposed to be some message for me in them, but from who? Me to me? The Universe to me? And what's the message? Should I send a message? Am I just reading too much into signs that aren't really there?

It's not as though I'm not trying to move on either. I'm working on the dating, but that, as everyone knows, isn't always easy. But I am trying. I signed myself up for another dating site and I'm giving that one a whirl for a while to see how it goes.

I'd love the dreams to stop for a while. I'd love a really good long stretch of not thinking about her. Not wondering if she ever thinks of me. Not wondering if I'll randomly run into her at the gas station on my way home from work (not that I thought about that tonight AT ALL while I was pumping gas). Not wondering if I'll find that kind of chemistry again. Not wondering about things I just should not be wondering about this long after the fact. Instead I'd like to trust that I will find that chemistry again. Trust that it's headed my way if I'm just patient for a little longer. And I do trust the Universe. I know I'm where I'm supposed to be in my life, but you know, tonight I'd really love to know why I'm here right now. And isn't that one of life's biggest questions, why?

I've been thinking a lot tonight as I am wont to do when my brain is in overdrive. I've spent a fair amount of time analyzing my feelings/thoughts trying to get to the bottom of them to figure out what is holding me back. I'm not sure I'm there yet but maybe I'm close. I hope I'm close. We'll say I'm close because that makes me feel better. Somewhat. For a few seconds at least.

I was watching How I Met Your Mother tonight and one of Ted's voice over lines in this episode was "sometimes you walk into a place you've never been before, but you get the feeling that you're exactly where you're supposed to be." And that line right there sums up why I'm so close to figuring out what's holding me back. I think. Maybe it's actually what is holding me back. That's probably a tad more accurate. But, for now, we'll say the jury is still out. Because again it makes me feel better. Somewhat.

So, lyrics. I feel like I've used this song before but I'm too lazy to go check right now. But I like it a lot and while it might not seem apropos for this post, for me it really is. Tonight I give you Morning Lullabies by Ingrid Michaelson.

I woke up
With your head on my arm
My hand was numb
Circulation gone
But I dared not move the pretty sleeping one

The sun had painted
Patterns on your face
As you breathed Sunday air
You rolled onto
My open arm
I became your pillow; you let me smooth your hair

I will sing you morning lullabies
You are beautiful and peaceful this way
I know you have to close your eyes on everyone
Let me help you, I'll sing you to sleep
With morning lullabies