Tuesday, December 23, 2008

On how to ruin a holiday for someone

Christmas is in two days. I haven't had much Christmas spirit this year. Maybe it's because I didn't get a tree again this year (I do have lights and decorations up). Maybe it's because I didn't really have any shopping to do this year (my parents asked me not to get them anything because of the cost of Maggie's back issues and I don't buy for any other family members and there is no special someone, so very limited shopping was done this year). Who knows why, but the spirit just isn't in me this season. So, since I don't really have Christmas spirit to ruin I figured it was a good time to blog about how this holiday was ruined for me a few years back.

Today's lyrics are from the Rent soundtrack, the song is You Okay Honey and these lyrics really just set the scene and are not from that song.

Christmas bells are ringing,
Christmas bells are ringing,
Christmas bells are ringing,
Somewhere else, not here.

Three years ago Ms. Ex and I had been together for seven years. I had moved to CT six years before to be with her. We'd bought a house together and lived there for over a year breaking our backs to fix it up and make it our own. We'd adopted two dogs. We were a nice little family. That Christmas Ms. Ex bought me a ring. Yup, that kind of ring. The one that implies "forever." The one that is usually followed by a wedding. The one that says "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." That is the kind of ring I got for Christmas in 2005.

Now, in the spirit of complete honesty and full disclosure, getting that ring scared the bejesus out of me. I'm not even sure scared is a strong enough descriptor for what I felt when I opened the box (incidentally, Ms. Ex was not even in the room when I opened the box, she couldn't bring herself to watch me do it, this should have been clue #1...). By this point in our relationship I was not happy and was depressed, or at least I know that now looking back on it all. But I had made a commitment and damn it all if I wasn't going to stay committed to that commitment. I am a loyal person and also incredibly stupidly stubborn about some things. Ms. Ex wasn't perfect, but then neither am I. So, I accepted the ring, said yes, and was actually pretty happy about it all. Somehow the ring signalled to me that she still loved me and that she wanted to be with me and that would make every thing okay. Of course you know the outcome of this story already since I refer to her as Ms. Ex and not my darling wife, or my sweetheart....

So, where were we? Oh right, ring accepted, happy me. Three weeks after Christmas Ms. Ex comes home from work and wants to talk. And she tells me "I don't want this anymore." And by "this" she means our life together. THREE FUCKING WEEKS after she gives me a ring and tells me that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me she comes home from work and tells me she's changed her mind. Seriously? She couldn't have figured that all out BEFORE she gave me the ring? I mean these thoughts (feelings) don't just happen over night. Merry fucking Christmas to you too.

When she told me that I did what any sane and rational woman would have done at that point. I ripped the ring off my finger and threw it at her while yelling something about how she could give it back if she ever made up her frigging mind or something equally as eloquent. It's all a bit of a blur thankfully.

So, Christmas of 2005 was the beginning of the end of my relationship with Ms. Ex. It took another 18 months or so for the last sentence to be written on that chapter of my life. It was a very long, very emotionally draining 18 + months for sure. I certainly don't look at Christmas the same since that time. I don't look at my birthday the same way either, but I'll save that for another post. And sure as shooting (where the heck did that saying come from?) I don't look at Ms. Ex the same either. I don't think she's a bad person, but I think the proposal and then taking it back does speak for the kind of person that she is. And that kind of person is all wrong for me.

Merry Christmas every one. And if Santa brings you a ring, I hope he also brings with the ring the desire of the person giving it to you to actually spend the rest of their lives with you and you know, not just the next few weeks until they change their mind and decide that they don't want "this" anymore. Hopefully this time next year I will have found my Christmas spirit again and have that special someone to buy gifts for. But not a ring, I wouldn't want to ruin the holiday for someone if I suddenly changed my mind....

4 comments:

Kim Kenney said...

You should have kept the damn ring and sold it!! Engagement rings given on holidays are legally yours, even when things fall apart and you don't end up getting married. Screw her. You are far better off without her (which I know you know!!).

Jess said...

Did I mention that after I gave it back to her for the last time that she wears the damn thing??? Ugh.

Kim Kenney said...

She fucking wears it? Oh my GOD. That is unreal. She sounds like she would make a wonderful novel character -- but to avoid being sued by her, I suppose you'd have to write under a pseudonym!

Jess said...

Oh yes, she wears it. Because "someone should wear it" or something along those lines. I forget her exact quote. Yeah, so before we sold our house and went our separate ways I had to see her wearing the damn thing daily. Nice. Someday some of her characteristics will make it into a novel. Or perhaps it would just be better and easier to write my memoirs....