Anxiety or did I bite of more than I can chew or holy crap how did I get myself into this or BREATHE, just BREATHE!

I'll get to the lyrics for this post at some point. I promise. I'll work them in, I will. After all that is my theme right? But right now I have to remember to breathe. Deep, calming breaths so I don't freak out.

Because I'm trying the online dating thing again. It worked last time with FMHW so why not try again right? I mean the whole thing is kind of weird (paying money to find Ms. Right, or Ms. Right Now? kind of strange really) and I try to think of it as a social experiment and fodder for future writing endeavors, but at the same time deep down I still want to meet my soul mate. I think that's what most people want deep down really. And since I don't do the bar or club scene and most of my friends (love you guys!) are straight with straight friends of their own it's really really hard for me to meet potential love interests just casually.

Except I have this problem when it comes to online dating. See, when it comes to actually MEETING the people I start e-mailing with I freak out. Panic sets in and I don't know how to act or what to do. I am BAD at this part. I am BAD at social situations where I don't know anyone. I am uncomfortable and don't know what to say or how to act or any of that stuff so I basically sit there and quietly observe. Which is totally fine in a big group or even in a smaller group, but so not fine when there are just two of you. Because I will have to talk at some point and try not to sound stupid. Or stumble over my words. Or accidentally make a reference to something painful in their past that I have no way of knowing about but will feel stupid and guilty for referencing anyway.

For almost all of my adult life I have been in one relationship or another and haven't really ever just dated so this stuff is all new to me. My first coffee date ever (which was a year ago) lasted five long hours because I didn't know how to make it stop. Seriously, I could not end the damn thing. And she had orange teeth, more like burnt sienna teeth really, thanks for that color description Koshie. And her definition of smoking occasionally was a cigarette every few hours which does not match up with my definition of occasionally which matches the dictionary's definition of occasionally which is "done irregularly or infrequently" and NOT in fact "done first thing when you get up in the morning, and then again on your way to work and then a couple times while you're working and then of course in the car on the way home, and again a time or two before you go to bed." And I am NOT into smokers. And then burnt sienna teeth girl text messaged me less than an hour after we parted ways to tell me that she had a good time and "PS I find you aesthetically pleasing." Fantastic! My next coffee date about two months later (so, at the beginning of last March) ended up in a five month relationship (FMHW). And that brings us back to today. Quick recap in case you weren't following along. I have had TWO coffee dates in all of my 33 years. I have spent about 16 of my 33 years in relationships of one kind or another. You do the math.

And as of today I have not one, not two, not three, but FOUR freaking women who all decided in the last three days that NOW would be a great time for us to meet. I panic at the thought of doing this whole thing once, but FOUR times. OH MY FUCKING GOD! Please sedate me or give me a glass and a half of wine (which is enough to get me really really tipsy, yes I am a lightweight thank you very much) or something, anything to make me feel a little less freaked out.

I of course dealt with this in the appropriate grown up way. I put off e-mailing all of them until the weekend was over and it would be potentially be harder for us to get together quickly so I have a little time to deal with reconciling all this in my head. Because I do not just jump into things. I like to have a plan and I am a control enthusiast in a lot of ways. And in addition to the avoiding of the e-mailing I also made sure to make plans for two nights this week (maybe even three!) so I could be busy and make it harder to meet people. Normally I make plans for two nights a month at the most. Because avoiding meeting people is exactly how you make new friends and find your soulmate. I told you I am BAD at all this.

Oh and here I can work in lyrics! Today's song is The Diner by Ani DiFranco. The lyrics:

I'm calling from the diner
the diner on the corner
I ordered two coffees
one is for you
the cups are so close
the steam is rising
in one stream
how are you

So, why are these dates always for coffee? And why are they at Starbucks? Is it simply because Starbucks are so prevalent? Is it because people are supposedly in love with Starbucks? I don't really drink a lot of coffee (read like a cup or two a month, and then usually decaf) and I don't drink coffee at night or in the evening if I can help it because if I do I will be up ALL night. And if I'm going to be up all night I'd rather be doing something else if you know what I mean, not just feeling my heart race because I had coffee too late for my body. And honestly, I don't love Starbucks coffee. I don't like the way it tastes at all. Even loaded down with sugar and cream it's still kind of yucky in my opinion. So, why Starbucks and why coffee? Is that just a lesbian thing? Does the same thing happen in the straight online dating world?

And now I head up to bed where I have a feeling I'll have an anxiety dream tonight. Fun times. I have finally replied to everyone who wants to meet and we'll see what happens. One has already replied to my response and is all gung ho to meet this week! EEK! Perhaps I'll post about these meet ups (dates? meetings? get togethers?). And who knows maybe it'll be love at first sight and a year from now I'll be writing about how blissfully happy I am with some woman I met for the first time at a Starbucks. A girl can dream right?