Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Busy and yet not busy...

I've been busy the last few weeks. But not busy at the same time. This time two weeks ago I was preparing for three dates in a row which is a definite first for me for sure. They went as expected which I suppose is a good thing. Date number one was a first date was with a reporter and I felt like I was being interviewed the entire time. And she was late. With no excuse, she was simply late. We will not be going out again even though I think Ms. Reporter would like to. No chemistry for me at all. But at least she was better looking in person than her profile pictures.

Date number three was a first date was with an elementary school teacher. She was also late, but very apologetic and had a very good reason. She was picking up a new car and it took longer than expected. At least on this date I didn't feel as though I were being interviewed. I knew there wasn't a connection though and so did she. So, that was good. At least it wasn't awful since I drove an hour each way to have coffee with her.

Date number two was a second date, one of only three second dates since FMHW. This one went well. Really well. Except for the part where I had wine spilled down my back after someone at the table behind me bumped the waitress's arm. Thankfully it was white wine. No harm done other than a cold, wet back for a while and smelling like stale wine on the drive home. Could have been much much worse.

This second date went well enough for us to go on a third date. It's been two years since I've been on a third date. Nearly two years exactly (yes, apparently I am counting). And the third date went well. We closed the restaurant again and had plenty to talk about which is really important to me.

But then as we were walking in the parking lot came the question "I'd like to know where I stand." What does that mean on a third date? How do you answer that? How do you answer that when you're not sure where you stand or where you want her to stand in your head because you're soooooo guarded and you've suddenly realized right then and there in the parking lot that you've built ginormous brick walls over the course of the past 18 or so months that you didn't realize you were building?

Yeah, so that went well. I was honest and said that I'd like to see her again and see where things go. That I didn't know what the future held but I enjoyed spending time with her. That was the best I could do at the time. And I suppose it was a good enough answer. And at the very least it was completely honest.

What I didn't add, and maybe I should have, was "and you have beautiful eyes." Or something like that. You know, say something which would indicate my interest in her. I think my flirter is broken. Or that I've forgotten how. Good to know. Is there a place to have your flirter repaired? Do they make house calls?

What I also know is that while I may appear to be calm, confident and collected I'm really a shy and anxious mess inside a lot of the time. And this shyness sometimes gets in the way of my just going for something or maybe the better way to phrase it is that it prevents me from living in the moment as much as I should. I'm so freaking self aware, self conscious sometimes, that I can't let go of the doubts and just live in the moment and see where it takes me. The shyness also makes me come off as very reserved which, I suppose I am, but which might also make it hard for people to read me. And perhaps some of the reserve is intentional so I protect myself. Too deep for me to contemplate for tonight.

So, now I have an e-mail in my inbox that I need to respond to from this woman and I feel like I need to explain myself better but I also feel like I don't have the words tonight. I feel like I'm not exactly sure what I want and how can I explain myself if I don't know exactly what I want or what I want to say. Or do I know what I want? Better to sleep on it right? Or maybe not this time. Maybe I should just reply and trust the Universe. I just don't know. How do you explain to someone that you know you like them because of the way your teeth were vibrating? Because that sounds weird right? Even though it's true. What, your teeth don't vibrate when you like someone? No? Just me?

Also, I think having a date on a Monday night has screwed with my body clock. Because all day Tuesday it felt like Friday. And all day today it also felt like Friday. And tomorrow, sadly, is still not Friday.

I've also been staying up way too late watching the Olympics. I haven't turned off the lights and gone to sleep before 12:30 am since before they started, what, 10 days ago? The opening ceremonies were the same night as the night I had wine spilled down my back. Me thinks I'm a tad over tired which might be fucking with my ability to think clearly.

So, yeah. I'm sleepy. And I should be going to bed. No, I should already be in bed and asleep. Instead, here I am on my couch watching the Olympics and hoping I'll know what to write in an e-mail. I can't even think of any lyrics for this post. Go check out this video instead. Melissa Ferrick's fingers are soooooo fast here. How does she play this fast??

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