Sunday, March 28, 2010

A blog in multiple parts

I'm not sure where to even begin this post. Let's start with the good. I bought curtains today. Curtains I've been in love with for months but which I thought were too expensive. I popped into Bed Bath & Beyond today and lo and behold they were on clearance. Guess who has new curtains? Also? When did I become a person who covets curtains?

So the date I was supposed to have Monday night didn't happen. Not only did it not happen I didn't hear from her until today. I think I'm done with her. There have been plenty of chances and for whatever reason we never seem to connect. Okay, no, not for whatever reason, her, she's the reason. And if we can't even meet for a first date then how the heck could you date or have a relationship with someone who keeps flaking? Yeah, done with her.

Yesterday I got an e-mail from the doctor who I had four dates with. The one whom I had written off. The one where I wasn't sure if there was a spark or chemistry or not. The one that I thought I'd never hear from her again since I hadn't heard from her in a month. Yeah. So now I don't know what to do about her. I don't know if I want to see her or if I don't want to see her. I just. Don't. Know.

And then today. Ah yes today. More on that after the lyrics.

I have been obsessed with the song Panic by David Ford this week. I have listened to it on repeat more times than I probably should confess to. I love it. And performed live it's even more powerful than it is on his studio recording. This guy is incredibly talented. Love. Him. Honestly, go see him live if you ever get the chance.

Exactly where should I begin,
Forgive me father I have sinned,
Been caught perpetuating wrongs,
I screamed an accusation,
And yet convinced that still I can
Somehow be better than I am,
If I could only bring myself,
To step in one direction.

But all the progress I've made,
Has left me bitter and afraid,
I bolt the doors and let the
Trappings of my life surround me,
And hope to God nobody calls,
But trust the scratching in the walls
To be my comfort and my shelter
From the world around me.

Okay, more about today. I suggest you tune out now if you'd rather not read me wallowing in self pity. Or whatever it is that I'm about to spew forth since self pity just doesn't seem like the right way to describe what is to follow.

I saw you in the grocery store today. One glance was all it took to suck the moisture from my mouth, to stop my heart while lodging it firmly in my throat before setting it pounding immediately out of my chest, to set my stomach on a roller coaster ride of flips and flops, to send my internal thermostat off the top of the charts. Tears sprung unbidden to my eyes and the memories of you came flooding back. The nights neither of us wanted to end lying in that bed in your kitchen with a fire crackling in the fireplace. The wish that we could stop time and languish in that moment forever. So many moments. Watching a thunderstorm blow through from your porch. Relaxing with a couple beers in my greenhouse just talking.

It's been long enough that I should be over you. I really should be over you. Over and done with you and moved on with my life. I know that. Honestly I do. And I don't pine, I don't wallow in the past. I'm doing my best to move forward with my life. But in that moment today in the produce aisle when my heart was stuck in my throat the only thing I could think was "I still love you."

I never told you I loved you when we were together for those five months. I knew if I did it would scare you off. Frankly, it scared me to be falling in love with you. It didn't matter though, you were scared off anyway. I still remember the moment when I realized how scared you were even if you never voiced your fears specifically. "I don't want you to fall in love with me" you said. By that time it was already too late. But I didn't tell you that. I simply replied that you couldn't control my heart and neither could I.

I compare all my dates to you. How do they measure up to you I ask myself. I look at them across the table and wonder if the chemistry can even come close to what you and I had. And sure, maybe it was just that, good chemistry. Lust not love. I don't know. We never really got a chance to find out. Perhaps the fire would have burned itself out in another month or two or three.

I've heard it said many times that you don't really get over the last love until you fall in love with the next person. And I've tried. God have I tried. There have been plenty of dates. Plenty of chances for me to make a connection with someone, the kind of connection you and I had. But it's just not happening.

And so this weekend, when I got the e-mail from the doctor after a month of silence I started thinking I should give her another shot. She's been the closest I've come to connecting since you. And then I get the e-mail from the other woman, the one who I can't seem to meet no matter how many times we try, and I wonder if maybe it's her that I'm supposed to wait for. And then I see you in the grocery store. Is this the sign I've been waiting for?

But it wasn't you today in the grocery store. It wasn't you. Just some woman who could have been your sister. Or your stunt double. Your doppelganger. And now I really don't know what direction the Universe wants me to travel in. Thank god I don't have to decide today.

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