Bar Harbor is my happy place. I would like to be there now. I feel like I'm even more of a hermit now than I was before I went on vacation. Perhaps this nesting, cocooning instinct which seems so strong in me right now is just a reaction to the change in seasons, at least that's what I hope it is. I'm feeling the need to be alone a lot, but not necessarily wanting to spend all my time alone and then being kind of lonely while I am alone. I know, it makes no sense, but then again when do feelings make total sense?
I hate that it's getting dark so early even though I do love the crispness in the air not to mention that the leaves are starting to change bringing their beautiful autumnal rainbow to New England. But that of course means the season of long dark nights is quickly approaching.
And I do have this niggling thought in the back of my mind that I need to get out more, meet more people and all that. That thought was hammered home again today after receiving an e-mail about the death of a first year student at the college where I work. You have to live for now and not tomorrow and I'm trying but it's not always easy.
Also, I'm (still) looking for my motivation and my sparkle. Every once and a great while I feel a tiny spark, a prick at my creativity which taunts me into thinking my motivation is returning. I think I'm stuck in a rut that I just need to kick myself out of (in more ways than one). The hard thing though is figuring out how to kick myself out of that rut.
Until then I just ride the wave and try to figure out just exactly which direction I want my life to take. I'll watch a lot of Charmed on DVD. I'll watch all my regularly scheduled TV shows. I'll feel bad about how much TV I watch but not do anything to change it. I'll feel bad that I don't exercise more but not do anything to change that. I'll feel bad that I'm not writing or that I'm not taking more photographs but I won't do anything to change it. And then one day I'll wake up and I won't feel like this anymore. I'm looking forward to that day.
I think this post deserves a Sarah McLachlan song so I'm going with Fear.
Morning smiles
Like the face of a new born child
Innocent unknowing
Winter's end
Promises of a long lost friend
Speaks to me of comfort
But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
Here in this lonely place
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