Wednesday, December 9, 2009


I haven't been very good about blogging lately. I haven't been very good about doing anything creative lately. But I'm not overly sad about it and I don't feel bad either. I have learned to just go with the flow and when the words are flowing I write them. When the words aren't flowing I don't force them. You should never force things. If you're lucky whatever it is you're forcing won't break. If you aren't lucky then you're likely to snap something in half by trying to force it to do something it wasn't meant to do.

Instead of being creative I've been immersing myself in TV and movies. Yes, perhaps this is escapist behavior, I'll give you that. But I prefer to think of it as recharging my batteries. Figuring out my priorities. And frankly a lot of it is just needing mindless entertainment after long days at work. The end of the calendar year is a crazy time for fund raising which means long days tiring days for me. Right now I'd rather be working on my photography than my writing anyway.

I've also spent some time decorating my house, both for the holidays and just to make it more homey. I want it to be warm and inviting when you step inside. I want you to ignore the hell hole that is the kitchen and the retro pink and gray cartoon poodles in the bathroom and focus instead on the good energy, warmth and love which fill the house. Also, in my head homey equals candles. Just sayin'.

And honestly during this time, I think I've come to terms with the possibility that I will grow old alone. I'm okay with it. I really am. Who cares if I'm a spinster with a couple of cats and a dog or two? So long as I have my friends and am able to do things I enjoy what does it matter if I come home to a house filled with only four legged companions? I've done the long term relationship thing. I've been through the equivalent of a divorce. I've loved and been loved. To have had those experiences was amazing. Now, I'm not saying I'll never love again. Because that's silly. You never know what will happen. What I'm saying is that if I don't love again I'm good with that. Being okay with the thought of spinsterhood won't prevent me from looking for love, because really who doesn't love a good horrible first date story every now and then? But it also frees me from feeling the need to find someone, anyone, to be with. And being free means feeling less negative about not being able to find someone. And being less negative about that allows me to be more positive and being more positive attracts more positive energy and that's a good thing. You know, the law of attraction and all.

Because ultimately it's not about finding just anyone to be with. It's about finding the one to be with. Finding that person who makes your heart skip. Finding that person who makes you smile for no reason when you think about them. Finding that person who you will love no matter what and who will love you no matter what. It's not about forcing a relationship or settling because you don't think you can do any better. If I could give my younger self some advice it would be not to force it. Don't stay in a relationship just because you're too scared to leave or because you don't think you'll survive on your own or you don't think anyone else will love you. Love yourself and they will love you too. I think that's a key thing which we all forget at times. You really do have to love yourself first.

And really just love in general. Love your friends, love your family, love your job or your car or your neighbors or your dog or cat or pony or lizard. Just send out love and love will come back to you. Don't force it. As the Beatles so eloquently put it "all you need is love." And while that would be a fitting song for this post, I'm going in a different direction. Instead I give you Echoes by Dar Williams.

Every time you love just a little
Take one step closer, solving a riddle
It echoes all over the world

Every time you opt in to kindness
Make one connection, used to divide us
It echoes all over the world

Send out your own echoes and you might be amazed at what comes back to you.

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