Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I had a good streak going....

A good streak of dreamless nights that is. Or maybe I should say with nights where I didn't have a disturbing dream, because I think I dream most nights I just don't always remember them. Last night's dream broke my streak. I cannot even begin to try to explain the dream so I'm not going to bother. What I can describe is how badly it fucked with my emotions.

It was one of those dreams that stays with you all day. And not in a good way. If you want to get right down to it I'm pretty sure I know why I had the dream (I am generally pretty self aware). But just because you know why you had a certain dream doesn't make the feeling like you've just had your heart broken, again, go away easily. I guess you could slot last night's dream into the "woe is me" category. Also? In case you were wondering, having your heart broken in your dream hurts just as much as it does when it happens in real life. I don't recommend it. Having year heart broken in your dream by someone who has broken your heart in real like really sucks.

I spent a lot of today feeling sorry for myself. For no reason other than the dream mind you. That's not a good way to spend the day. It was one of those days where I didn't want to be at work, but I didn't want to be home and I couldn't think of any place I'd actually rather be. Honestly I'd have liked to curl up in a little ball and hidden away from the world until I started feeling better. Instead I sat at my desk going through the motions and hoping tomorrow would be a better day. What's the likelihood that I'll have my heart broken again tonight in my dream? I'm really hoping it's slim to none. Because I do not want to wake up tomorrow feeling like I did when I woke up today.

Yesterday I also got the news that someone I knew and had worked with peripherally for nearly nine years had died. I didn't even know he was sick. He didn't look sick the last time I saw him (over the summer? September? I can't remember now which makes me sad). Needless to say that news was a huge shock. I take comfort in knowing no one knew he was sick other than his boss. He'd been diagnosed with inoperable cancer earlier this year, how much earlier I don't know. And I have no idea what kind of cancer either. Gerry was the kind of guy who went the extra mile and a half for you. And he was genuinely nice. Never had a bad word to say about anyone. And his wanting to keep his illness private was very much a Gerry thing to do. He wanted to help you, not for you to help him. Gerry was only 53. Too young. Way too young. There's a memorial service for him on campus this week. I am, of course, going to go.

I'm sure that news didn't help with the dream last night. There was a distinct and palpable feeling of loss in it. A feeling of loss which carried over into my waking life today. And though Gerry and I weren't close and didn't see each other often I do feel like I have lost something. Gerry was one of the good ones.

Last night I spent an hour an a half searching the interwebs for video of a song. Apparently none exists at this time which is kind of disappointing but since the artist doesn't appear to be that well known I guess it's not too surprising. In fact I can't even find the lyrics to the song online so I'm going to have to transcribe them in order to post them. But that's okay, I think the effort is worth it. The song I'm talking about is called Words You Said and it's by an artist called Ellis. I discovered her last week (thanks iTunes!). I love her voice. And if you watch some of her videos you'll see that she can also laugh at herself which I also love. She's great and I cannot recommend her enough.

I like to imagine that Gerry might have felt this way and might have told his wife and his family something similar. This one's for you Gerry.

Words You Said by Ellis

The walls of our home
Seem to stand out of habit
I am here and you are gone
Like some kind of dark magic
You said don't let days go by
Without a love in your life
Being all alone won't honor us
Your words echo in my mind

I am one spoke in the wheel
One leaf in the tree
I will fall when my time comes
And the snow will cover me

When we were young
We'd wear our hearts in the open
We'd sing out of tune
And we'd dance until morning
We knew we wouldn't have forever
I watched them lower you down
The sky is gray and the ground is white
I say goodbye to my lover

I am one spoke in the wheel
One leaf in the tree
I will fall when my time comes
And the snow will cover me

I met someone new
And I am confused by it
She is not you
And I won't ever forget it
We dance and we sing
We laugh and we cry
I remember the words you said
And as always you were right


Signkick said...

Puck- I love Ellis..My favorite song by her is Angel!! It's awesome...anyway she has all her lyrics on her site...so you can go find them. I also love pick up song and love song. (<--- they are sarcastic and great)

Jess said...

Thanks! I couldn't find the lyrics when I looked but I was also a tad tired soooooo I probably missed them. I love Parking Lot and GeorgeAnne as well.

Author Uknown said...

I love this post and our of curiosity looked up the singer ..I love her! I know what its like to lose someone and the dreams they consume you forever .. all I can say is that Ive let the fact that my loved one will never be anything because god took her and used it as my motivation to be something. Good Luck!

Jess said...

The best way to honor someone is to be something/someone because of them. What a wonderful tribute!