Thursday, June 17, 2010

Coincidence or a sign?

Last night I had a dream about FMHW (who is, for those new to the blog, my last girlfriend and somewhat the reason I started baring my soul on the interwebs). I use those initials (which are not her initials) to protect her anonymity. Because I'm thoughtful like that. And because really, the point is not who she is exactly, merely that she is at all.

Right then, the dream. Last night I dreamed I was with a couple friends on vacation. We stopped in to this tiny little mom and pop restaurant (I'm talking like 5 tables total) for dinner. We were seated and low and behold but who should be at the next table, the one directly beside me? Yeah, FMHW. She was wearing a white t-shirt with a light green cardigan over it. The cardigan was the same color as her car in real life. My dreams are all about the details (like this one, and this one)

She and I talked. I don't know about what, in fact I'm not sure we even really talked in the dream or if I just had the impression that we did. Time passed and I guess we all ate, but in the way of dreams I couldn't tell you what we all had or how the service was or anything like that. All I can remember is that she excused herself to do something (bathroom? talk to the cook? I don't know) and my friends had now morphed into my parents (because really, that totally happens in real life). And my parents were ready to leave. I told them I'd meet them at the car and I went searching for FMHW because we hadn't finished talking. There was this total sense of something not being finished.

And in the way of dreams the little mom and pop restaurant was now undergoing construction (mostly in the kitchen area) and was also now a post office. And apparently I was interfering with the distribution of the mail by looking for FMHW because the workers were very displeased with me. I looked all over for her, but I couldn't find her. She just seemed to have disappeared into thin air (or escaped out the back). And so I left, walked outside to meet my parents feeling that feeling you feel when you know there was supposed to be more of something but that didn't happen (how many feels can you use in a sentence??). Disappointment, a little frustration, confusion for sure with a touch of hurt mixed in.

And then I woke up in a full on, full body sweat. It was 3 am, no where near time for me to be getting up for work, so I peeled the covers off a bit to cool down, rolled over and went back to sleep where I proceeded to have another strange dream of which I remember fewer details, but I know it was work stress related. There was yelling at a cashier involved when the greeting card I was buying morphed into a $48 piece of jewelery. I think it was a necklace. But that's all I really remember about it now.

So, I went off to work this morning thinking "boy, that was a strange night. So much for going to bed early so I get a good night's sleep." And that was that. I had a busy day at work, as they all are this time of year and didn't give my dreams another thought as I raced from meeting to problem solving to meeting to answering questions and putting out fires to another meeting to answering e-mails and voice mails and so on and so forth.

Not another thought, that is, until I was driving home and drove by FMHW. I haven't driven by her since the fall sometime I think. And I pass where she works twice a day five days a week while driving to and from work. And today, the day after the night where I dreamed about her (wearing a sweater the same color as her car) I drive by her. WTF? Is this a coincidence? Is it a sign? Is the universe fucking with me? Again? I don't know what to make of this really. Because what is the probability of that happening statistically speaking? No really, I'm serious. What are the chances?

So, now I'm sitting here wondering if I should e-mail her to say hello or if I should leave the past completely in the past. The last time I dreamed about her (two times in like a week or something crazy) I said to myself "Okay, if it happens again then you write her." Well, I'd call this happening again. Do I listen to myself or not? Stay in the present or fall back to the past? To be or not to be, that is the question. Wait, no, that's someone else's story sorry. Back to me.

I don't know what I should do. And when you don't know what to do the best thing to do is nothing. Or is it? Rock, Jess, Hard Place. Or something like that.

The lyrics for this post are from Rachael Yamagata's Be Be Your Love. This is a song I'll probably always associate with FWHM. Not for the obvious reasons of falling in love and not being able to be with the person you fell in love with. More so because at the time we were dating it was on both of our Top 25 most played songs playlists in our each of our iTunes. And it, of course, came up on shuffle on my iPod on my way home from work. WTF Universe? Is all this a coincidence or is it a sign? And if it's a sign what am I supposed to do with it?

If I could take you away
Pretend I was queen
What would you say
Would you think I'm unreal
'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel

Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Want to be your everything


Everything's falling and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you

No comments: