Friday, October 17, 2008

I just made you say...

We'll start with the lyrics today. My chosen song is Pinch Me by the Barenaked Ladies. The lyrics are:

On an evening such as this

It's hard to tell if I exist

If I packed a car and leave this town

Who'll notice that I'm not around?

I could hide out under there

I just made you say 'underwear'


That's right,
I just made you say underwear because that is the topic at hand tonight. But I don't want to talk about my undergarments. Although I will say that the bra I chose to wear today, not really all that comfortable. Cute yes, kinda sexy yes, comfortable not so much. And you know when you pick a bra to wear in the morning you should choose the sexy one when you know you're going to spend the day by yourself (i.e. alone, solo, sans other people) dealing with the billion and two leaves in your yard because it's autumn in New England. Oh and you don't even have anyone to look sexy for other than your two cats and your dog who can't walk. That is the perfect day to wear the sexy bra instead of the comfortable and supportive bra. I was maybe not really thinking clearly when I got dressed this morning. And yet, here it is nearly midnight and I have worn the less than comfortable bra all day long.

Anywho that's enough about my underthings. What I really wanted to talk about is something that's been on my mind, well it's been on my mind every damned day for the last two months. That's right I think about something regarding underthings every day (sometimes more than once, especially if it's laundry day) and these underthings
are not mine. So my question for you is what do you do when a relationship ends and you still have in your possession some items that belong to the person that is now your most recent ex? And mostly pointedly, what do you do when these things are not items such as CDs or books or even a sweater, but instead they are underwear? Let's just forget how these items ended up in my possession shall we? Thanks. Moving on...

How does one return these items to their rightful owner?
Should you return these things, these underthings, to their rightful owner? What is the proper etiquette in this situation? Do you package them up neatly and mail them with a nice note? "Hi, you left these at my place. I thought you might like them back. We should have dinner sometime and catch up." Do you drive to this person's house and secretly leave them in their mailbox? Would that be considered tampering with the mail? Do you leave them discreetly in a bag on their porch? Driving to their house in the middle of the night of course so you won't be caught leaving underwear in a bag in their mailbox or on their porch. Do you leave them in a bag on their car at their place of employment (or in their car if you're lucky enough to have dated someone who does not lock their car)? What do you do in this situation? Perhaps an e-mail? "Hey, I know we're trying the whole let's be friends thing and I gotta tell you that's going just swimmingly considering we haven't seen each other in two months and we rarely even e-mail anymore and then there was the whole song quoting incident and so um, I have your underwear and I was wondering if I could exchange it for the glasses I left at your place?" Somehow that just doesn't seem right either.

The easiest thing to do would be to just get rid of them then I wouldn't have to think about what to do with the damned things every day when I see them. But I can't do that. I am too conscientious. I would know what I did and would feel bad about it, guilty even. I have this incredibly overwhelming need to return things to their rightful owners, to do the right thing so to speak. The funny thing is I'm sure she doesn't even realize these items are missing. Probably doesn't miss them at all. Unlike me who knows my glasses are in her house somewhere and while I don't need them because they are my back up pair, I want them because well, they
are my back up pair. I could just throw the underthings in a bag somewhere and try to forget about them instead of keeping them front and center in the drawer which houses my underthings, but that feels kind of wrong to me too.

So far the only way I've been able to come up with to return these items is to get myself invited to her house. I will then put these items in the pocket of my jacket and throw them in her laundry hamper when I have the opportunity. This plan would not have worked when it was really warm out, but now that it's getting colder and a jacket is a justifiable piece of clothing I think the plan could work. The hardest part of the plan now is of course getting myself invited to her house. Considering I've suggested getting together for dinner, oh let's see, probably four times now and it still hasn't happened I'm not sure if I'll ever see the inside of her house again so this plan may be hard to accomplish.


If I was feeling brave I could take a day off of work, drive by her house a few times to make sure she wasn't home and her roommate wasn't home, sneak in (which would start her dog barking up a storm), throw the darned things in her hamper, find my glasses and get the hell out of dodge. But this is my life we're talking about here and I know for a fact that as soon as I shut the front door behind me and was walking toward her hamper she would pull into the driveway and I would be caught like a deer in headlights, undergarments in hand, looking like a lunatic stalker. "Hi, so nice to see you, you look great! What the hell am I doing in your house? Well, I thought you might like your underwear back so I was just returning it." And that is exactly how you want to see the person who is now your ex even though you (and by you I do mean me) still think the two of you should be together because too damned many things had to happen in a certain sequence for you to even meet. Especially after the song quoting incident which I swear I will blog about soon. Yes, this is exactly how I want to be remembered by this person. Not for the good times or the laughs or the, um, fun, we'll call it fun, had behind closed doors between consenting adults. No, I want to be remembered for going into their house when they aren't there and being caught with their underwear in my hands. I'm sure you can imagine why I'm not feeling brave enough to try that method of returning the garments to their rightful owner.


Tell me please what you would do in this situation. How would you return the underthings? Or if you wouldn't return them, what would you do? I am at a complete loss on this one so suggestions are most welcome. Please and thank you.

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