Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Subconscious Memories

Last week was a rough week. Maggie was in pain and very uncomfortable and had been for two full weeks. She finally had an MRI last Thursday which showed a herniated disk in the middle of her back. The vet and I agreed that at this point surgery was the best option for her (which I had known all along was what we'd end up with, but you have to follow the protocol because some dogs do get better using only medication). During this whole ordeal I felt as though I was at the end of my rope (see previous blog post about that). I felt like nothing was going right and that nothing would ever go right again. I was grieving and I didn't know why or what, but it was grieving for sure. And then it dawned on me what it was. More on that in a minute.

Our subconscious holds on to things in amazing ways. Some people say things like "oh, October is always a hard month for me" or "June always seems to be awful for me." I think part of that has to do with the memories that our subconscious holds on to. They are always there, floating under the surface, influencing our emotions even though we may not realize that's what's happening. These subconscious memories color how we see things on certain days or weeks or months and most of the time we never even realize it.

So, the lyrics for today's post come from a song by my favorite artist, Sarah McLachlan. The song is I Will Remember You and the lyrics are:

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from me when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Last week marked the ten year anniversary of when Ms. Ex and I got together. A full decade ago we were feeling those wonderful and rosy feelings of new love (or infatuation/lust as the case may be). And though I am soooo over her and can't imagine why or how we stayed together for so long, I was grieving the end of our relationship last week. I'm sure the emotions wouldn't have been nearly as strong or overwhelming if the timing had been different. If Maggie had gotten sick a few weeks earlier or a few weeks later. If my hormones weren't all out of whack because it was that time of the month and I am a woman and lately, the hormone induced mood/emotional swings have been quite an interesting ride for me (again I am reminded that I do need to blog about the song quoting incident of 2008).

I saw Ms. Ex on Friday night. I hadn't seen or really talked to her since January or early February. I'd had an episode of being over nice on Friday morning and invited her to come see Maggie. We'd been in touch via e-mail since I first took Maggie to the vet. I thought Ms. Ex should know that there was something going on since I would want to know if our situations were reversed and there was something going on with our other dog, the one who lives with her now. I think I had an inkling that Maggie would have surgery in the very near future and that really tipped the scales toward offering for Ms. Ex to visit Maggie.

Ms. Ex has not changed one iota which does not surprise me in the least and was actually good for me to see. While I have no desire to get back together with her, after all I think I was probably miserable and very depressed for at least half of our relationship, you just never know what you're going to feel when you see an old flame again. And what I felt on Friday was absolutely nothing or maybe more appropriately I felt relief. Relief that I did not have to deal with her status seeking car obsessed self anymore. Relief that she was someone else's problem now. Relief that even though the break up was horrific for me because of the way it all happened it was still the best thing that could have happened to me at that point in my life.

And during the breakup and it's aftermath I had forgotten the fun that Ms. Ex and I had together in the beginning. I'd forgotten how we could make each other laugh. I'd forgotten what good friends we were. I am not in any way shape or form ready to be BFF's again, but maybe down the road she can be someone I call up (or more likely e-mail or text since I have a phone issue) and have coffee or dinner with one night just to catch up. That's a big maybe though, not a definitely. Time will tell. The most important thing for me right now is getting Maggie well.

And here's today's random observation, why did it take a HUGE event at work (involving large donors) to get the burned out lightbulbs in the ladies room changed? I cannot believe how BRIGHT it is in there now. We'd been peeing in the dark for so long I'd kind of gotten used to it....

No comments: