Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Welcome and this got longer than I intended

Welcome to the inaugural post of My Life Through Lyrics where I plan to share my life with you through, um, well, song lyrics. Or more appropriately I guess I should say I'll post lyrics that are fitting to my state of mind for each post. Why bother? Well, because I have apparently been stricken with the "ICan'tStopQuotingSongs" disease which led to the "Song Quoting Incident of 2008" a few weeks ago (which when I'm feeling a bit more chipper and able to laugh at myself I will blog about so you can laugh at, I mean with, me) and I thought perhaps this blog would help cure me of this nasty quoting disease.

Today's lyrics are from "Climbing Mountains" by Meg Hutchinson
Dreamt last night I was climbing mountains
Way beyond the earth’s strange pull
Dreamt last night I was climbing mountains
Way beyond love’s fierce hold

And last night I did dream. I wish I could describe the whole thing for you, but I can't. Let's leave it at it had a lot of people from work in it in a dark and crowded auditorium/lecture hall. In addition to the folks from work it also had someone I went to high school with that I haven't thought about in forever who was wearing an ugly bikini, had a really really bad hairdo and incredibly long hair in a very private region which was poking out through said ugly bikini. Scary stuff right there. I didn't even remember that some people were in the dream until I heard their voices at work today. It was a very strange dream to say the least. But the biggest question is why am I dreaming about people from work? What significance does that hold? Could it be because I lately I have been feeling like I am so done with my job? Or perhaps it's just the fact that I need a vacation that might be enough to cause strange co-worker dreams? Who knows. The dream I had over the weekend about the tornado makes perfect sense however. Tornadoes in dreams signify disruptions and upsets in your immediate environment and specific or current issues that may be overwhelming. And well, that pretty much fits although the dream is about five or six weeks late, but I've never been one to keep up with the Joneses.

My life the last few years has been a nearly constant state of disruption and upset. That story I will save for another time. But this year I spent five wonderful months the happiest I can remember being perhaps ever in my life. Five months filled with fun and joy and fun and some other things that are better left between two consenting adults and behind a closed door. And that happiness was taken from me and there was nothing I could do or say to stop it because no matter what we do we cannot change how another person thinks or feels or how they react to their fears. And losing this happiness is what that tornado dream was all about. I finally had my life under control and I was happy and feeling like I was moving on and BAM! buh bye without so much as an "I'm freaking out can we try to work on things?" Instead it was "I can't do this right now. I'm sorry." Granted, my happiness never rested solely in this person's hands, but I did find a lot of happiness through her, with her. And she is who I miss when I feel lonely or alone. This wonderful woman who came into my life during a really dark time, she is the one I think about. Not the woman I spent more than eight years of my life with. Not the woman who I bought a house with and got dogs with and was engaged to (however briefly) and thought I would spend the rest of my life with. No, I don't think about her. I think about this other woman who got under my skin and showed me that it was possible for me to love again. She is who I think about, she is who caused my tornado dream. And no matter how much I miss her or how much getting dumped sucks (because let's face it, it does suck no matter how long you're with a person and no matter how sorry or honest or kind they are when they dump you, it still sucks, suck, suck, suckity sucks) no matter all that I will always be grateful for the time we had together. I will always be grateful that we met. I will always be grateful that I was able to see her smile, hear her laugh, feel her touch and see the special look she got in her eyes when we were alone together. I'll never forget those things.

Weird things cause me to miss her, this five months of happiness woman. Apple picking this weekend for instance caused this enormous ache for her that I was not expecting. Apple picking for christ's sake. Something we never did together, never talked about doing together and as far as I can remember something that I've never even done before. But as I got in my car to drive home on that beautiful fall Saturday I couldn't help but think how much I would have enjoyed doing that with her (it was fun with you to F. don't get me wrong). I have to wonder when will these pangs stop? How long before they don't catch me off guard anymore? Is there a statute of limitations on these things?

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