Its my life

I signed on tonight to write a different blog than this turned out to be. But as any writer knows you can't always control what comes out when you start typing. It just sort of happens. Today's song is It's My Life by Bon Jovi. I've picked the chorus of this song for today's post:

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
It's my life

I have these flashes sometimes that come out of the blue where I realize that this is my life. The emphasis is on different words at different times, but the phrase is always the same.
This is my life.
This is my life.
This is my life.
This is my life.
And sometimes the punctuation is different:
This is my life?
This is my life!
This is my life!
This is my life?
You get the picture.

One thing always strikes me when I have this flash of revelation. Yes, this is my life and it is happening now. Life does not wait for someday. Life does not wait for the time to be right. You cannot pause life or ask for a time out. Life is now. Life happens with every breath we take.

I think a lot of people, myself included, are waiting for the time to be right to do something. We wait and we wait and we wait and we never end up doing things because we've spent so much time waiting. The things we're waiting for (until I have more money, until I have someone to share that with, until I can fit into those jeans, until I have a better job title, until, until, until...), these things don't just happen. We have to work to achieve them. And we have to decide somewhere along the way which are the things that WE want to achieve and which are the things that other people think we should want to achieve.

I spent a lot of years working toward things that someone else wanted for me. Working to get those promotions so that I could have a better job title, make more money, achieve more status. Those weren't the things I wanted out of life however. What I want are meaningful relationships with people who I love. I want a happy home filled with love and laughter. I don't care if I never make a million dollars. I don't care that my dish towels aren't designer. In the end will those things really matter? After all she who dies with the most toys still dies. After I'm gone I don't want people to remember me for the kind of car I drive. I want to be remembered for the kind of person I was. I want people to remember my laugh or my smile or my kindness. Those are the things that matters.

It's the little things that make me happy. Like my dog snoring away on her bed. That makes me happy because as quiet as she is the house felt completely empty for the nine days she was in the hospital. Little things like watching the squirrels eat all my bird seed or long hot showers on cold winter mornings or a short note from a friend who just wanted to say hello, those are the things that make my days worth while. All I need now is to find someone who also enjoys the little things and isn't afraid of a serious committed relationship with me. Someone who understands it's not the price tag on the gift that's important. In fact gifts aren't important at all, it's the time spent with the one you love that's important. She's out there somewhere and I will find her. I would say I'd find her someday, but that would imply that I'm waiting for the time to be right to start looking.

It's my life.