Sunday, June 28, 2009


After replying to an e-mail tonight I decided to go read some saved messages from a year ago. I wasn't really sure how reading these messages might affect me but I decided to hazard a click or two anyway just to see. I guess you could call it a test.

And honestly I don't know whether I passed or I failed the test. I suppose it depends on how you're grading it. I passed in the sense that these messages didn't make me cry or even the least bit teary. Instead they brought a smile to my face along with good memories, memories that I wish very badly were more clear in my mind. So, if no tears means passing then I did so with flying colors.

But it seems to me that I failed the test as well. Because the messages I decided to read were from FMHW who I continue to think about on a daily basis. I have not spoken to or heard from her since prior to Christmas and that was in response to a message I sent her not something she initiated. I have not seen her since the middle of last August; the last thing she said to me as she hugged me goodbye (which I suppose was goodbye goodbye and not I'll see you later goodbye as I'd hoped at the time, hope springs eternal after all) was "I'll be in touch, Buddy." She'd never called me buddy before then. It drove a nail into my heart.

She still haunts me. I see traces of her in other women (from co-workers, to celebrities, to people in the grocery store). I wonder what she's doing and where she is and if she's happy and how her kids and her roommate and dog are doing and whether she's finally moved the bed out of her kitchen. And honestly I don't want to be dwelling like I am. I would really just like to chalk her up to a rebound after Ms. Ex. Or maybe just a fun Spring/Summer fling. But I don't seem to be able to do that. And I don't know why.

Not that I'm letting this dwelling on her stop me from living my life. I am trying to meet someone new. Although, as previously blogged about, that hasn't been going as well as I'd hoped. I'm doing fun things with my friends and my family and enjoying my life. There is no rush to meet someone, I'm content to be alone. Unlike some people (Ms. Ex being one of them) I do not need to be with someone because I'm scared to be alone. Not that the longing for that special someone doesn't exist, because it is most decidedly still there. It pops up during the quiet moments and the moments I'd like to share. Like the spectacular sight of the fields of fireflies I drove by on Thursday night on my way home from a concert. Or the quiet of an overcast Sunday morning spent finishing a book in bed. Those are just two of the times the lack of someone to share these moments with hits me, but there are certainly more, many, many more.

A week ago last Friday I went home for my father's retirement party. The drive to my parent's takes me through the town in which FMHW grew up. Hard not to think of her as I'm driving by the street where her parents still live. I have no cell phone service at my parents and as I was driving back to CT on Sunday I got a text message from Ms. Ex. She'd sent it at 10:54 on Friday night telling me that she was thinking of me and would love to chat sometime. It's been a couple months since I heard from her and I'm no more desirous of chatting with her now than I was then. Also I'm left to wonder why she was texting me at 10:54 on a Friday night. Where was her live in girlfriend?

Then as I'm driving into FMHW's hometown a song pops up on my iPod that will probably remind me of her for as long as I live. It's one of maybe three songs that bring her immediately to mind. I've got nearly 5000 songs on my iPod and it was on shuffle at the time. I found that an eerie coincidence which I tried not to read too much into. I really wanted to e-mail her when I got home to tell her about it, but talked myself out of it. How can I move on if I don't just let coincidences like that pass right? But then again everything happens for a reason....

So, did I pass the test or did I fail it? I don't really know. And does it even matter? Probably not in the scheme of things. I am right where I am supposed to be in my life right now. I will be right where I'm supposed to be in my life two weeks from now, two months from now, two years from now, twenty years from now. The only thing that remains to be seen is what special woman will be at my side.

I suppose the only fitting song for this post is the one that popped up shuffle as I was driving into FMHW's hometown last weekend. This song brought tears instantly to my eyes for a few months after she broke up with me. It doesn't now thankfully because I really love the song. Here's I'm Yours by Jason Mraz.

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks, now I'm trying to get back

Before the cool done run out I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's gonna stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you will find love love love love

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