Monday, January 11, 2010

Love, hate and Facebook. Or something like that

I took an extended break from blogging. It wasn't intentional, but I guess I needed it. First there were the holidays to prepare for and then the holidays themselves and then the recovery from the holidays and now here we are and it's been nearly a month since I posted last. And it's time, past time really, for a post.

My dreams have been messing with me again recently. I'm not going into the specifics but suffice it to say that they are making it very hard for me to move forward with certain aspects of my life. And hard to get a restful night's sleep. My damn subconscious won't let things go even though my conscious brain knows it's for the best to move forward, move on. My conscious brain knows there is nothing to hang on to. It knows, I know and I wish I could convince my subconscious of it too.

But I'm really having trouble reconciling it all. I thought I wasn't but I am. Why else would I be crying over someone changing their profile picture on Facebook? Besides hormones, which also might be part of the problem tonight. Some days it can be amazingly fun to be a woman. And honestly? The new profile picture is awesome. It's a great picture. But it's so not worth the tears or the messed up emotions behind them.

I love Facebook because it has allowed me to reconnect with so many people that I probably never would have found otherwise. I truly enjoy seeing what my friends are up to, seeing their pictures and reading their comments and being at least a peripheral part of their lives when we are all so very geographically far apart.

I also hate Facebook because it also evokes emotional turmoil in me at times like it's done tonight with a simple posting of a new profile picture. I could unfriend this person (okay, who am I kidding here, you all know it's FMHW I'm talking about right?), but I don't want to. I could hide her but I don't want to do that either. She rarely posts anything so it's always a surprise when she shows up in my feed.

Tonight's picture wouldn't have caught me off guard I don't think if it weren't for the dreams. I foresee another dream tonight because of this but hopefully I'll be proven wrong. My dreams are so real while I'm having them and so detailed and driven by emotion that they stay with me. Lately I really feel like there's supposed to be some message for me in them, but from who? Me to me? The Universe to me? And what's the message? Should I send a message? Am I just reading too much into signs that aren't really there?

It's not as though I'm not trying to move on either. I'm working on the dating, but that, as everyone knows, isn't always easy. But I am trying. I signed myself up for another dating site and I'm giving that one a whirl for a while to see how it goes.

I'd love the dreams to stop for a while. I'd love a really good long stretch of not thinking about her. Not wondering if she ever thinks of me. Not wondering if I'll randomly run into her at the gas station on my way home from work (not that I thought about that tonight AT ALL while I was pumping gas). Not wondering if I'll find that kind of chemistry again. Not wondering about things I just should not be wondering about this long after the fact. Instead I'd like to trust that I will find that chemistry again. Trust that it's headed my way if I'm just patient for a little longer. And I do trust the Universe. I know I'm where I'm supposed to be in my life, but you know, tonight I'd really love to know why I'm here right now. And isn't that one of life's biggest questions, why?

I've been thinking a lot tonight as I am wont to do when my brain is in overdrive. I've spent a fair amount of time analyzing my feelings/thoughts trying to get to the bottom of them to figure out what is holding me back. I'm not sure I'm there yet but maybe I'm close. I hope I'm close. We'll say I'm close because that makes me feel better. Somewhat. For a few seconds at least.

I was watching How I Met Your Mother tonight and one of Ted's voice over lines in this episode was "sometimes you walk into a place you've never been before, but you get the feeling that you're exactly where you're supposed to be." And that line right there sums up why I'm so close to figuring out what's holding me back. I think. Maybe it's actually what is holding me back. That's probably a tad more accurate. But, for now, we'll say the jury is still out. Because again it makes me feel better. Somewhat.

So, lyrics. I feel like I've used this song before but I'm too lazy to go check right now. But I like it a lot and while it might not seem apropos for this post, for me it really is. Tonight I give you Morning Lullabies by Ingrid Michaelson.

I woke up
With your head on my arm
My hand was numb
Circulation gone
But I dared not move the pretty sleeping one

The sun had painted
Patterns on your face
As you breathed Sunday air
You rolled onto
My open arm
I became your pillow; you let me smooth your hair

I will sing you morning lullabies
You are beautiful and peaceful this way
I know you have to close your eyes on everyone
Let me help you, I'll sing you to sleep
With morning lullabies

No comments: