I am waaaay to tired to come up with a title

I'm obsessed with this song today:



I'm a big fan of the Beatles. I listened to this song on repeat on my way home from work after a very very long day. It really speaks to me as I'm entering into (yet another) introspective phase.

I'll update more on the dating scene when I have a bit more energy. Work has been ridiculously busy the last few weeks and I'm just plain beat. I left work on time yesterday to go to a concert and it felt like I was playing hooky or leaving early. That's not good.

The full moon hasn't been helping me sleep lately either. This week has found me waking up to some seriously odd dreams. Perhaps I'll detail them later. After a few good night's sleep.

As for lyrics, listen to the above song. Those are your lyrics.

Busy and yet not busy...

I've been busy the last few weeks. But not busy at the same time. This time two weeks ago I was preparing for three dates in a row which is a definite first for me for sure. They went as expected which I suppose is a good thing. Date number one was a first date was with a reporter and I felt like I was being interviewed the entire time. And she was late. With no excuse, she was simply late. We will not be going out again even though I think Ms. Reporter would like to. No chemistry for me at all. But at least she was better looking in person than her profile pictures.

Date number three was a first date was with an elementary school teacher. She was also late, but very apologetic and had a very good reason. She was picking up a new car and it took longer than expected. At least on this date I didn't feel as though I were being interviewed. I knew there wasn't a connection though and so did she. So, that was good. At least it wasn't awful since I drove an hour each way to have coffee with her.

Date number two was a second date, one of only three second dates since FMHW. This one went well. Really well. Except for the part where I had wine spilled down my back after someone at the table behind me bumped the waitress's arm. Thankfully it was white wine. No harm done other than a cold, wet back for a while and smelling like stale wine on the drive home. Could have been much much worse.

This second date went well enough for us to go on a third date. It's been two years since I've been on a third date. Nearly two years exactly (yes, apparently I am counting). And the third date went well. We closed the restaurant again and had plenty to talk about which is really important to me.

But then as we were walking in the parking lot came the question "I'd like to know where I stand." What does that mean on a third date? How do you answer that? How do you answer that when you're not sure where you stand or where you want her to stand in your head because you're soooooo guarded and you've suddenly realized right then and there in the parking lot that you've built ginormous brick walls over the course of the past 18 or so months that you didn't realize you were building?

Yeah, so that went well. I was honest and said that I'd like to see her again and see where things go. That I didn't know what the future held but I enjoyed spending time with her. That was the best I could do at the time. And I suppose it was a good enough answer. And at the very least it was completely honest.

What I didn't add, and maybe I should have, was "and you have beautiful eyes." Or something like that. You know, say something which would indicate my interest in her. I think my flirter is broken. Or that I've forgotten how. Good to know. Is there a place to have your flirter repaired? Do they make house calls?

What I also know is that while I may appear to be calm, confident and collected I'm really a shy and anxious mess inside a lot of the time. And this shyness sometimes gets in the way of my just going for something or maybe the better way to phrase it is that it prevents me from living in the moment as much as I should. I'm so freaking self aware, self conscious sometimes, that I can't let go of the doubts and just live in the moment and see where it takes me. The shyness also makes me come off as very reserved which, I suppose I am, but which might also make it hard for people to read me. And perhaps some of the reserve is intentional so I protect myself. Too deep for me to contemplate for tonight.

So, now I have an e-mail in my inbox that I need to respond to from this woman and I feel like I need to explain myself better but I also feel like I don't have the words tonight. I feel like I'm not exactly sure what I want and how can I explain myself if I don't know exactly what I want or what I want to say. Or do I know what I want? Better to sleep on it right? Or maybe not this time. Maybe I should just reply and trust the Universe. I just don't know. How do you explain to someone that you know you like them because of the way your teeth were vibrating? Because that sounds weird right? Even though it's true. What, your teeth don't vibrate when you like someone? No? Just me?

Also, I think having a date on a Monday night has screwed with my body clock. Because all day Tuesday it felt like Friday. And all day today it also felt like Friday. And tomorrow, sadly, is still not Friday.

I've also been staying up way too late watching the Olympics. I haven't turned off the lights and gone to sleep before 12:30 am since before they started, what, 10 days ago? The opening ceremonies were the same night as the night I had wine spilled down my back. Me thinks I'm a tad over tired which might be fucking with my ability to think clearly.

So, yeah. I'm sleepy. And I should be going to bed. No, I should already be in bed and asleep. Instead, here I am on my couch watching the Olympics and hoping I'll know what to write in an e-mail. I can't even think of any lyrics for this post. Go check out this video instead. Melissa Ferrick's fingers are soooooo fast here. How does she play this fast??

Dreaming in Five Acts

My dream last night took place in five different acts. All of which were random and odd (but amazingly enough not terrifying for a change). One thing to note which is relevant to the dream, I was supposed to have a date last night with a woman who I will call H. She has three daughters 10 and under and had to cancel because her sitter was sick.

Act 1. I am at my grandmother's house with my family. I don't have a clue why we are there but my cousins are there and my mom is there and I think maybe aunts and uncles too. There is an incredibly LONG dirt driveway and down the driveway are a couple picnic tables. And by down the driveway I mean like a quarter of a mile or more down the driveway. A couple of my cousins are sitting with my mother at one of the tables and I'm not sure what happens but I can tell that my cousin Wendy is really disappointed in me. I believe she's disappointed in me because I'm dating. This doesn't make sense in real life or in the dream.

Act 2. I am now in my own house, which is soooooo not my house and isn't any place I've ever been before and is rather cluttered. There's stuff everywhere. Not garbage either, just stuff. Someone is at the door so I answer it and there's H with one of her daughters (I'm guessing the oldest because of her height). Now, I've never actually MET H before in real life or in the dream but there she is with one of her kids. They come in and I tell H that I have to go check my OK Cupid e-mail. Um, you tell your DATE that? In front of her daughter? As you can imagine I got quite a look from H in the dream and I put my arm around the kid and made up some random thing about my e-mail and why I had to go check it. I don't know what I said though.

Act 3. Now for some reason someone else is in my house searching it. H is no where to be seen and neither is her daughter. I do not know exactly why my house is being searched but it has to do with dating. Someone is unhappy or worried about me dating so naturally searching my house is the way to address that. I'm following the searcher (who I think is a guy) around the house and we go in the bedroom (which is a total mess and looks nothing like my bedroom has ever looked and the bed is in the middle of the room, not against any wall). He's searching the room, which is also cluttered and has stuff EVERYWHERE and I notice hair sticking out from under the covers of my bed. It's H. Apparently she's hiding under the covers of my bed. No, I don't know why and no I have no idea where her kid has disappeared to. I also can't remember if the guy searching my house sees her.

Act 4. The searcher is gone and now H and I are going away for an over-night trip. On our first date. With my parents. I know, WTF?! right? So, we're in the car and suddenly we're driving into this sporting goods store. Because that happens all the time. We parked inside at the front and got out and started shopping. The clothing racks were literally just outside the car doors. My mother picked out some jacket/shirt thing for me that was perfect for something in my dream but now that I'm remembering it I'm all "WTF?! I'd NEVER wear that and what would you wear it FOR exactly?" I go over to the dressing rooms to try it on and the dressing room monitor guy yells at me. Tells me I have to go over to that big open space over there to get changed. In the middle of the store. With no privacy. I yell back at him and tell him I want to talk to his manager. I yell at the manager. Somehow I am not kicked out of the store but I also never try the ugly shirt/jacket thing on either (which was like a halter that was lined with black fleece but had a windproof baby blue shell, sooooo odd). I walk back over to the car (which is dark chocolaty brown in color and no model of car that I've ever seen before) and H is there with a half smoked, but unlit, cigarette in her right hand and an unlit full cigarette in her left hand.

Act 5. The cigarettes disappear and we're all back in the car again (mom, dad, me and H). Mom is driving and we're again driving in the store trying to find the exit (apparently it moved while we were shopping, hate it when that happens). Instead of turning right to go down the stairs and to the exit, mom turns left and we start driving up the stairs. It's a spiral stair case. And the stairs get really really steep and yet we keep driving up them, like we're in some huge bell tower or something. We're literally sitting in our seats at an 80 degree angle driving up these stairs. I kind of recall thinking that a) we were soooooo going in the wrong direction and b) what happens when we get to the top and can't turn around and c) what if we lost our forward momentum and started to slip backward. We eventually get to a place where the stairs stop (but they continue again after some sort of road block [stair block?]) so we stop and our car has turned into a wooden canoe. Because I often drive a canoe up steep flights of stairs. Happens ALL the time right? Well, when we get out of the canoe to stare stupidly at the end of the stairs no one holds on to the canoe (or set the parking brake? I suppose it's possible that in a dream, my dream especially, a wooden canoe could have a parking brake) and it, of course, starts rocketing back down the stairs we'd just driven the damn thing up. We all watch the canoe go and I can recall thinking that we were going to get in big trouble and also hoping no one got hurt. That's when I woke up.

My subconscious scares me.

I'm not sure how today's lyrics relate to my dream, but I've always loved them so I thought I'd share. They're from a song called I Am Done by Melissa Ferrick.

What I need is completeness
What I need is neatness
I need a messy kind of make it up
As you go along
I need a silence full of nothing
I need to love
Without trying
Without trying to be loving

Some days

I love weekends. I really do. Who doesn't? Weekends are our chance to sleep in or get up early and do what we want to do instead of going to work. Weekends we can sit in front of the t.v. all day and eat potato chips in our pajamas if we want. Or take a long walk in the middle of the day just to be outside. Or watch 3 movies and then read for the rest of the night.

Weekends are also when most of us run around doing all the errands we don't get a chance to do during the week because we are working. I can't think of a weekend when I've been home where I didn't at least need to go grocery shopping.

But weekends can also be lonely. There are days when the only person I talk to on the weekends is the cashier at the grocery store. Sure, I text with my friends and I e-mail and check Facebook and that's great. But the loneliness is still there, beneath the surface, threatening, looming, waiting for just the right moment to start seeping into my soul.

It's not the crushing loneliness of two years ago. And that's great. It's more the "it would be great to have someone sitting on the other side of the couch" kind of loneliness. The "I wish someone would make dinner for me occasionally" kind of loneliness. The "I really should have gone out and done something more today" kind of loneliness.

But when you're still recovering from an odd kind of cold that has left your right ear clogged for days and your right sinus filled to the brim it's hard to want to go out. Because frankly my hearing kind of sucks right now. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration. I feel like my hearing sucks so that makes me reluctant to want to go out and socialize. Really I can hear just fine.

I know (now at least, although it was a different story 2 years ago) that the loneliness is only temporary. It comes and goes in waves and mostly now it goes. I enjoy, nearly covet at times, my alone time. I honestly like living alone. I love the quiet of my house, or conversely I love being able to blast my music or turn up the volume of the t.v. as loud as I want it. And I love being able to watch or listen to whatever I want to watch or listen to.

But some days, some days the loneliness still comes. Those days are fewer and further between now, but the loneliness is still there, beneath the surface, threatening. Today is one of the lonely days. And that's okay. Because tomorrow won't be. Nor the day after or the day after that.

Today's lyrics come from a song by J.D. Souther. I've never heard the original but I LOVE the cover by Schuyler Fisk. It's called You're Only Lonely.

When the world is ready to fall
On your little shoulders
And when you're feelin' lonely and small
You need somebody there to hold you
You can call out my name when you're only lonely
Now don't you ever be ashamed
When you're only lonely

When you need somebody around
On the nights that try you
Remember I was there when you were a queen
And I'll be the last one there beside you
So you can call out my name
When you're only lonely
Now don't you ever be ashamed
When you're only lonely
You're only lonely
You're only lonely
You're only lonely

When the world is ready to fall
On your little shoulders
And when you're feelin' lonely and small
You need somebody there to hold you
You can call out my name
When you're only lonely
So don't you ever be ashamed
You're only lonely
You're only lonely
You're only lonely
You're only lonely

Oh, it's no crime
Darlin' we got lots of time
No, there's nothin' wrong with you
Darlin' I get lonely too
You're only lonely
You're only lonely

So, if you need me
All you've gotta do is call me
When you're only lonely
You're only lonely
When you're lonely

Context

Today I sent the strangest text message I think I've ever sent. It said simply "maybe my eyes are your teeth." Taken out of context I'm sure you're thinking WTF? Teeth, eyes, what?? How would that even work?

The context of the text was me asking a friend if the cold she had (has still?) made her eyes hurt. As in the actual eyeball, not the socket or the muscles surrounding it. Because I'm totally getting her cold (which is fine, I'm not mad at her. No really, I'm not. I honestly don't care.) and I had these weird eye pains. Her response was no, but her teeth did hurt at one point. So, logically (in my mind at least) I replied that maybe my eyes were her teeth, meaning maybe the weird pains in my eyes were how my body was processing this cold and I was getting pain there instead of in my teeth. Context was very very important in this case. Because really? "Maybe my eyes are your teeth?" That makes no sense what so ever.

Context provides so much clarity in life. So many little things that we do or say or text every day would seem so incredibly odd without the context surrounding them. For instance, today a co-worker asked me if I'd resurrected someone. And I answered yes. No, I don't have the power to raise the dead. I do have the power, however, to change errors in our database and therefore I am able to make the "dead" "alive" again.

Without context in our lives I think we'd have a ridiculously hard time functioning in the world. I can't even imagine what that would be like and I hope I never find out.

Lyrics for this post are easy, even if my mind is rather muddled with the cold that's brewing (maybe I'll take a sick day, probably I won't though). They come from the song Fire Door by Ani DiFranco (<-- video link chosen not because it's a stellar performance of the song but because I used to live in Ithaca and Ani and Ithaca go hand in hand for me) (this is a better performance) (also this is one of my top 10 favorite songs of all time) (Could I use any more parenthesis in this paragraph?) (apparently, yes, yes I can).

I opened the fire door to four lips
None of which were mine kissing
Tightened my belt around my hips
Where your hands were missing

Stepped out into the cold, collar high
Under the slate grey sky, the air was smoking
And the streets were dry and I wasn't joking
When I said good bye

And there were magazine quality men talking on the corner
French, no less much less of them then us
So why do I feel like something's been rearranged?
You know, taken out of context I must seem so strange.

I killed a cockroach so big
It left a puddle of puss on my wall
And you know when you and I are lying in bed
You don't, you don't, you don't seem so tall

I'm singing now because my tear ducts are too tired
And my mind is disconnected by my heart is wired

I'd make such a good statistic
Someone should study me now
Somebody's got to be interested in how I feel
Just 'cause I'm here and I'm real and

Oh, how I miss substituting a conclusion
A confrontation with a kiss
And oh, how I miss walking up to the edge and jumping in
Like I could feel the future on your skin
I opened the fire door to four lips
None of which were mine kissing

I opened the fire door

Insert a title without a curse word here....because I can't come up with one that doesn't include fuck.

On my drive home tonight I decided I'm angry. I stewed and stewed and stewed over something that happened at work and yes, I am angry about it. Perhaps I shouldn't be. In the scheme of things it's not that big a deal, but sometimes it's the little things that push you right over the edge.

And that's what happened today. I was apparently pushed over the edge. By my boss. Who used her mom voice on me and called me by my full name as though to 'discipline' me. She is only a few years older than me by the way. So no where near being my mother's age. Why did she use her mom voice you ask? Because I knew what I was talking about, knew how to do my job, knew the regulations we have to follow and disagreed with what she was trying to say. Which was wrong. W.R.O.N.G. And I wasn't even telling her she was wrong in front of anybody. Just trying to explain why I couldn't, legally (or ethically), do something.

A co-worker heard my boss's end of the conversation and immediately text messaged me to ask me if our boss had just been nasty to me on the phone. So, as much as I'd like to believe I'm being too sensitive and that I was just grumpy obviously I wasn't.

Yesterday I had to tell someone else I work with that my boss was wrong about something else. And again my boss tried to tell me that I didn't know what I was talking about and that we could "trick" the system. Um, no. No we can't trick the system. It's my JOB to know the god damned system. I've known the damn system intimately for almost nine years now. I know it inside out, back and forth and upsidefuckingdown. Don't tell me that there's a way to do something that there isn't.

And then, after trying to tell me yesterday that I didn't know what I was talking about, she literally said that her "evil mind would think of something." Yes, she called herself evil. And I did not argue with that. She can spin her wheels on this one as long as she likes, but with the way the current system stands the only way to accomplish what she wants to do is the way I explained to her and to the person who originally asked the question. I've explained and explained and explained until I'm blue in the face and the system isn't going to change right now. At least, not over night. And no, perhaps it isn't the best system (frankly, I have never like the way this particular part of our database works), but it's what we have and we've designed everything around how it works. And what we've used for the last 7+ years with hardly a hitch in our giddy-up.

Needless to say I'm aggravated tonight. I just want to go to work, do my job, be treated with the respect I deserve and come home. I don't need to be spoken to in a nasty tone by my boss as though I'm her 9 year old daughter who won't clean her room. And you know, for the most part, I do like my job. I like the people I work with. I like the environment. And I'm good at what I do. But days like the past couple really make me question why I've stayed for so long. Why I continue to stay for that matter. I miss my old boss. The one who retired three years ago. She would never have spoken to me in the manner I was spoken to today and she always treated me with respect. I need to send her a thank you note.....

Too frustrated to try to find lyrics today. Sorry, I'll do better next time.

Love, hate and Facebook. Or something like that

I took an extended break from blogging. It wasn't intentional, but I guess I needed it. First there were the holidays to prepare for and then the holidays themselves and then the recovery from the holidays and now here we are and it's been nearly a month since I posted last. And it's time, past time really, for a post.

My dreams have been messing with me again recently. I'm not going into the specifics but suffice it to say that they are making it very hard for me to move forward with certain aspects of my life. And hard to get a restful night's sleep. My damn subconscious won't let things go even though my conscious brain knows it's for the best to move forward, move on. My conscious brain knows there is nothing to hang on to. It knows, I know and I wish I could convince my subconscious of it too.

But I'm really having trouble reconciling it all. I thought I wasn't but I am. Why else would I be crying over someone changing their profile picture on Facebook? Besides hormones, which also might be part of the problem tonight. Some days it can be amazingly fun to be a woman. And honestly? The new profile picture is awesome. It's a great picture. But it's so not worth the tears or the messed up emotions behind them.

I love Facebook because it has allowed me to reconnect with so many people that I probably never would have found otherwise. I truly enjoy seeing what my friends are up to, seeing their pictures and reading their comments and being at least a peripheral part of their lives when we are all so very geographically far apart.

I also hate Facebook because it also evokes emotional turmoil in me at times like it's done tonight with a simple posting of a new profile picture. I could unfriend this person (okay, who am I kidding here, you all know it's FMHW I'm talking about right?), but I don't want to. I could hide her but I don't want to do that either. She rarely posts anything so it's always a surprise when she shows up in my feed.

Tonight's picture wouldn't have caught me off guard I don't think if it weren't for the dreams. I foresee another dream tonight because of this but hopefully I'll be proven wrong. My dreams are so real while I'm having them and so detailed and driven by emotion that they stay with me. Lately I really feel like there's supposed to be some message for me in them, but from who? Me to me? The Universe to me? And what's the message? Should I send a message? Am I just reading too much into signs that aren't really there?

It's not as though I'm not trying to move on either. I'm working on the dating, but that, as everyone knows, isn't always easy. But I am trying. I signed myself up for another dating site and I'm giving that one a whirl for a while to see how it goes.

I'd love the dreams to stop for a while. I'd love a really good long stretch of not thinking about her. Not wondering if she ever thinks of me. Not wondering if I'll randomly run into her at the gas station on my way home from work (not that I thought about that tonight AT ALL while I was pumping gas). Not wondering if I'll find that kind of chemistry again. Not wondering about things I just should not be wondering about this long after the fact. Instead I'd like to trust that I will find that chemistry again. Trust that it's headed my way if I'm just patient for a little longer. And I do trust the Universe. I know I'm where I'm supposed to be in my life, but you know, tonight I'd really love to know why I'm here right now. And isn't that one of life's biggest questions, why?

I've been thinking a lot tonight as I am wont to do when my brain is in overdrive. I've spent a fair amount of time analyzing my feelings/thoughts trying to get to the bottom of them to figure out what is holding me back. I'm not sure I'm there yet but maybe I'm close. I hope I'm close. We'll say I'm close because that makes me feel better. Somewhat. For a few seconds at least.

I was watching How I Met Your Mother tonight and one of Ted's voice over lines in this episode was "sometimes you walk into a place you've never been before, but you get the feeling that you're exactly where you're supposed to be." And that line right there sums up why I'm so close to figuring out what's holding me back. I think. Maybe it's actually what is holding me back. That's probably a tad more accurate. But, for now, we'll say the jury is still out. Because again it makes me feel better. Somewhat.

So, lyrics. I feel like I've used this song before but I'm too lazy to go check right now. But I like it a lot and while it might not seem apropos for this post, for me it really is. Tonight I give you Morning Lullabies by Ingrid Michaelson.

Yesterday
I woke up
With your head on my arm
My hand was numb
Circulation gone
But I dared not move the pretty sleeping one

The sun had painted
Patterns on your face
As you breathed Sunday air
You rolled onto
My open arm
I became your pillow; you let me smooth your hair

I will sing you morning lullabies
You are beautiful and peaceful this way
I know you have to close your eyes on everyone
Let me help you, I'll sing you to sleep
With morning lullabies