Tuesday, May 5, 2009

In a funk

I'm in a funk. Really that's all there is too it. I think it's the gloomy weather that has persisted for three straight days. At least that's what I hope it is. But really Mother Nature, would it be asking too much for a little sunshine in the next few day? I thought it was April showers bringing May flowers, not May showers bringing, well whatever they'd bring in June. If I promise to be a good girl can we please have a little sunshine? Please?

Okay, begging and whining are now out of the way. Honestly though I can't seem to snap out of it, this funk. I thought I was getting there this afternoon, but not so much apparently. And tonight I got the phone call I was expecting with confirmation of something which isn't a surprise, but still. Not helping my mood at all. I'm sure that's part of my funk as well.

And then I get to thinking what a difference a year makes in your life. I know I've written about this before, but I'm pretty sure I've never written about it here. Two years ago I was in the process of dissolving my relationship with Ms. Ex. It was nearing it's end and in fact I believe we were just about to put our house on the market in the next week or so. At that point I still wasn't ready to let it all go and I can distinctly recall a yelling match held in our front hallway which occurred when I tried to stand up for what I wanted (or thought I wanted). That was not a good night and it ended, as was standard for that time in my life, with me in tears. Again.

I'm a pretty peaceful person. I like things calm and quite and, well, peaceful. But my god could Ms. Ex and I get into it at the end (and by the end I mean the last 18 months we lived together). She knew how to push my buttons like no one else ever has. I'm an Aries, a fire sign, we are supposedly passionate and fiery and to some degree I am, but in most cases I am very even keeled (to quote a friend). Ms. Ex knew how to evoke the fire in me, and the ire in me.

Fast forward a year from that fight with Ms. Ex in our front hallway and you'll find me beginning to fall in love again. Learning that not all relationships are like the ones that I'd previously experienced. Learning that it was okay to just be me. Learning that someone would like me for that, maybe even fall in love with me for that. I was giddy with the newness of it, heady with emotion, feeling so full and alive for the first time in more years than I care to think about. I felt like a whole new person.

A year ago I was learning how to live my life again. Figuring out what it was that I wanted out of my life. I'd spent so many years living for what someone else wanted that I didn't know anymore what it was that *I* wanted. I was following my heart even though that scared the hell out of me. But as "they" say, the heart wants what it wants. And my heart wanted FMHW. And no matter how that all turned out I would not change things. We both needed to experience that. For different reasons of course, but it was good for both of us, of that I am sure.

And that brings us to today, to this year. To where I am at this moment in time. And that is sitting in my pajamas on my couch with a dog on one side and a cat (taking up all the space) on the ottoman and feeling like I'm stuck in a funk that I can't snap myself out of. This year I am not suffering through what can only be described as a less than pleasant divorce without all the legal aspects of a divorce. And this year I am not falling in love again. This year I am just me, alone, a loner and if truth be told a bit on the lonely side tonight. And that's okay. The lonely comes and goes and mostly now it goes which is the way it should be. I like my life, and dammit I have a pretty darned good life when you boil it down. I love myself even if other's don't love me. And frankly, I've always been a bit of a loner.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life right now. At least that's what I keep telling myself. After all, everything happens for a reason even if you can't see the reason clearly as the thing is happening. Okay, enough with the cliches, time for the lyrics. And when you're feeling lonely what better song to quote than Alone by Heart?

I hear the ticking of the clock
I'm lying here the rooms pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight
No answer on the telephone
And the night goes by so very slow
Oh I hope that it won't end though

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