Sunday, May 31, 2009


I've been feeling rather contemplative and have been reflecting a lot on my life the last couple days. Okay, I know, that's really nothing new for me since I do it constantly. I guess these reflections on my life are just more pronounced than usual. Honestly though, I wonder if everyone thinks about their life as much as I do. While I do try to live in the present with an eye toward the future I do spend a whole heck of a lot of time thinking about the past. And I do mean A LOT of time. Okay, I'll admit it, I dwell. There, I said it. I am a dweller.

I do try not to dwell and for the most part I think I do a pretty good job of it. I can't change other people or what they feel or how they act, the only thing I can control is myself and how I act. I'd say I can control my feelings, but I am old enough and wise enough to know that isn't always the case. I can control my temper far better than I used to be able to. I can see the good even during the bad. I know how to deal with stress and frustration. But as I said to a friend this week in relation to her working toward an understanding with her girlfriend (ex-girlfriend?, estranged girlfriend? not really sure right now), the heart wants what it wants. And no matter how much we know intellectually that what the heart wants isn't going to happen or maybe isn't even good for us, our heart still wants it and that is a feeling that is difficult, if not impossible to change.

Anyway, I've been all reflective and contemplative and just thinking thinking thinking lately. There have been no earth shattering revelations about my life. No, ah ha! moments so to speak. But there have been lots of fond memories reminisced over and lots of moments of gratitude for all of the fantastic things I have in my life right now. I have wonderful friends (love you all!), I have a great house (with a new roof!), I have a good job and great pets to keep me company, I have food to eat and clothes to wear and blankets to keep me warm, and no matter what it is I always seem to have enough. I have so many moments in the day when I think about just how lucky I am. And for that I am very grateful.

I took a drive last night after an evening of bowling with some friends from work. I love driving. I especially love driving in the country on a clear night with the music blaring. I only wish I could drive AND look at the stars while driving, but that's pretty much impossible, believe me, I've tried. I drove somewhere I hadn't been in a long time and I'm glad I did even though I wasn't sure if it was a good idea for me to do it. It reinforced for me that I am in a good place and content.

My dilemma now is do I or don't I. I'm not going to say what I'm trying to figure out if I should or shouldn't do. That's really not important. What I need to figure out is how I will feel if I do it. What will the cost be to me and will there be a benefit? And I'm really not sure of the answer to that (I suppose that's obvious though since I haven't decided what to do). I'm hoping I'll wake up with the answer in the morning. And when in doubt I have to ask my self "what would Paul Rudd do?"

Tonight I went to the 4th annual poker party thrown by a friend and her husband. I won last year (miracle of freaking miracles since the sum total of my poker experience is these parties!) but was unable to defend my title this year. It was still a lot of fun though. Last year I brought FMHW with me to this party to meet a couple of my friends. They loved her (and still ask me about her) and I could not help but think of her tonight and smile.

And in honor of poker night I'll leave you with The Gambler by Kenny Rogers. Fitting no?

You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em,
Know when to walk away, know when to run
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done

Ev'ry gambler knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away and knowing what to keep.
'Cause ev'ry hands a winner and ev'ry hands a loser
And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep

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